I’ve spent more time in my life than I care to admit to (or can reasonably articulate) making decisions about myself without any real consideration of anything. Vague as that sounds – so have you.
I’m reminded with some regularity that we spend much of our teen years deciding who we are going to be as adults. I was no different – I’ve been a rock-&-roll-musician-songwriter-type-guy for ever. In that regard I was absolutely correct, however I can say unequivocally that I talked myself out of trying things that I might have really enjoyed, and may have even guided the path of my life differently. For better or worse… I can’t change the past.
But – I can change.
If you’ve known me for a number of years then you know that this is of no surprise. I’ve changed quite a bit and continue to do so.
One of the most obvious things I went for was the rock & roll cliche dream. Whiskey & cigarettes & drugs & late nights & parties & gas station food & being on tour & sleeping in the van & being a poet. Later on, I compromised my trajectory and second guessed my abilities. I settled for a lesser version of what I was capable of and a couple decades later I’m making up for it. I honestly feel like a kid, pushing hard in my musical endeavors and dreaming big – because there’s nothing stating that there’s any less opportunity for me as a 40-something than as a 20-something. A career in music is tough for any age, but I’m much more equipped to make better decisions regarding that career now.
Anyway… I did all that and I was good at it, and I will continue to do it. But sometimes as I’m running outside in the cold and my mind starts to drift, I think about the times I audibly said ‘I’m not a sports guy.’ There are elements of truth to that – I’ve never been a TEAM sports guy, and I’m not keen on playing any games that put my guitar playing at risk by messing up my hands or fingers… but then again, I really didn’t look very hard at alternatives. I was on one-track. I put that limitation on myself, and I really didn’t need to – I already had limitations put on me from a defunded education system and a poverty line that rose faster than the household income. (I’m not casting blame on circumstance – just acknowledging it).
Funny how things can change. I can’t even say with certainty that I’ll do triathlon forever, because – wouldn’t that also be a limitation?
Speaking of eschewing limitations, THIS WEEK I took a swimming lesson from a friend & former colleague through work, Clay. He’s a veritable powerhouse in the water and has probably forgotten more than I know about staying afloat, so it was great to get some formal drills and have a critique of my form from such a knowledgeable source. I’ve got some work to do but I’m a lot more confident with my flutter kick now and have some drills I can do to get warm and stay as hydrodynamic as possible. I’m sure I’ll be hitting him up for more pointers before long, but he’s certainly left me with some things to focus on and I am beyond appreciative.
The rest of the training week has been pretty on-track, really. I got my 5 km run in this week at 31:30, and got a solid 45minutes on the bike. Tomorrow; however is the heaviest brick workout to date, with 22.5km on the bike and a 30 minute run. Beyond that, I’m performing my first solo show in years later that afternoon so I’ve got more than just a couple things to think about.
Upon reflection, the hindsight of the training week is always quite rose-colored as I’ve chocked it up to accomplishment, which I suppose is the problem with a weekly retrospective account of things. In the moment it’s not always that. The moment burns sometimes, and I have bouts of wondering how I’m even going to finish the session, let alone the challenge. I don’t have a solution, or an explanation of what to do, or how to proceed. I do know that those moments are fleeting though.
Lu told me once that anxiety only lasts a second, and that it’s your memory of the anxious moment that looms in the air around you. Remembering that is helpful. Believing that you’re capable of more than you think is also helpful. And, knowing that the most beautiful works in nature, from thunderstorms to diamonds are all created under stress, pressure, and friction – and strong will and good character are products of the same.
The Conscious Pilgrim 