So, if I may be so candid: I’ve been fat and I’ve been lean, and I can tell you definitively that there’s a difference in how I was treated then vs. how I am treated now. Be it retail environments where sales people were reluctant to help me, or other varying social environments, I was most certainly cast into the role of the black sheep. Honestly, I owned that role, and I wore it well, but there was a slow-grind happening not only on my physical health, but on my mental health as well.
As a result I was in pain. I never would have described it as physical pain at the time but it most definitely affected my demeanor; thereby rendering me unapproachable by many, and I carried myself as someone who was proud of being unapproachable. A tough guy. Unwavering. This became my safe space that I would would recoil into.
The problem with projecting the tough guy persona out into the world is that inevitably, someone is going to take on the task of taking you down a peg. Standing tall through those situations only further embedded the chip into my shoulder, and the would cycle inevitably repeat.
What I know now is that I lacked confidence – and what does that have to do with my being overweight? everything. Aside from the fact that another person’s weight, health, or clothing side is nobody’s business but theirs, I know there are people who can be happy in their own skin at any size – and I am not one of those people. Those people have my admiration to a degree I can’t adequately explain; and I may be limiting myself in saying this, but I am most comfortable in my own skin when I am actively pushing my physical limits. I’m not here to judge anyone, and I realize that I open myself up to be judged every week.
My backstory includes being a food addict. I still have urges the way any narcotics addict or alcoholic feels the urge to use – the difference being that within my current food regimen, if I accidentally make short work of an entire pineapple; well, nobody gets hurt. But once upon a time… well, let’s just say that the aforementioned ‘tough guy cycle’ is not the only cycle I’d find myself trapped in. Even as recently as a week ago I had a food ‘cheat-day’ that served more to devastate me than it did to reward me for hard work. I overshot by a great deal and mentally I went back to a place I didn’t want to be anymore. Fortunately I have the history and discipline not to stay there too long, but it was a reminder I won’t soon forget.
I am obviously reflecting on the past a bit, but the fact remains that the people our paths intersects with are a lot more than meets the eye. We truly can’t guess what anyone is dealing with, or where they are in their journey – and we’ve ALL been told how far “judging a book by it’s cover” will get us. Furthermore, their story will carry on after your encounter is over, just as yours will – and if you are capable of growth and change, then obviously so are they. I know, because if you’d met me when I was 30 years old, you might not recognize me today.
So, in similar conclusion to last week’s post, we need to take it easy on people. We are learning and changing creatures – all of us – with complex brains who achieve goals, have setbacks, get injured, win trophies, lose loved ones. Our tendency to gossip and speak ill of each other serves to hurt and hinder community when our priorities should be the opposite. Denigrating people for where they are in their journey is harmful behavior.
Training this week has been intense. Runs are extending and my program is really teaching me how to run on tired legs, because my legs are always tired. As a cross training exercise, I’ve been getting back into the swimming pool and it’s been a real game changer to have those long stretching motions back in my life on a regular basis – and that hot tub isn’t hurting anything either!
My run on Monday was cut short by a couple km’s when I realized I had to get home and drive kids to school, so I’m glad the school year is coming to a close because by July I won’t be able to get my full run in and still drive them. Fortuitous planning, but not intentional planning.
There’s a fresh video coming soon.
The Conscious Pilgrim 