Blog Posts

Hey all – “how weight loss works” is live now.
I appreciate the likes & shares wherever I can get ’em, and am eternally grateful for the ever-increasing click count these blog updates have been getting.

Merry Christmas, and a happy holiday – whichever best suits your occasion.

The holidays are a difficult time for people. Family is hard, and the sharper your memory is when it comes to holiday seasons past, the more hot & cold this time of year can be when thinking about loved ones far away, or even loved ones close by that are kept segregated from us by health restriction or political arguments. I won’t weigh in on that other to acknowledge that it’s not necessarily ‘the hap-happiest season of all.’

But the role of happiness is sordid at best.

To live in a state of perpetual happiness is impossible; I’m sure you’ve noticed, since happiness is a fleeting and temporary emotion – yet that doesn’t prevent anyone from including it in their goals & visions for the future. We’ve all said, or heard a parent say that they ‘just want their kids to be happy‘ but when we really start to dissect that, we find that it doesn’t really mean anything. After all, to be ‘perpetually happy’ would mean that nothing would ever be powerful enough to shake you. You’d never be challenged, and thus never learn anything. You’d never be humbled by circumstance, and thus never have empathy or sympathy. You’d never learn anything, because you’d never need to know any more than you already know.

Any personal progress would halt completely. Why would anyone wish that upon their children, or themselves?
Short answer: they wouldn’t.

At the risk of coming across as pessimistic, it’s not a stretch to say that every good day I have is measured against another day that was worse. People suffer hardships every day, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s my turn; assuming of course, that I’m not suffering now. Even then, that’s before we assess what makes a day good or bad; or to put it another way, what circumstance holds so much sway that it has the power to determine the outcome of an entire day. Certainly some events do, but most should not.

Now, to address the statement of ‘personal progress halting completely‘ – I don’t want to get into comparing days of the week so much as I want to talk about the curse of contentment. Purgatory. Anyone who’s spent any time navigating the tumultuous nature of a pandemic knows what it is to have the joyous occasions sucked out of their lives and be left with only the mundane task of waiting.

It may be revealing to say that part of the reason I was able to take my health so seriously throughout the pandemic was due to lack of control of anything else. My emotional & spiritual health improvements have followed suit, as they statistically tend to do so – but the fact remains that I ultimately feel stunted in my journey because despite the growth I’ve mentioned and documented thus far, my life’s purpose feels bridled at best. Progress is being made daily but the bigger steps I’d hoped to be making by this point are slowed and I feel like I’m not able to pursue my purpose to the degree of which I am capable.

To further complicate my thoughts on the matter, Einstein’s unofficial definition of insanity keeps coming to mind: ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result‘ which is what my day to day often feels like, as it does for most people navigating the murky waters of COVID-19, but throw this one into the mix: ‘if you can’t be happy where you are, how can you be happy at the next level?‘ and I’m faced with a conundrum. Should I be happy where I am, or should I stop doing the same thing over and over? Are these statements at odds with each other, or is that just my perception in this moment?

Hold on while I blur the lines further: as I heard it stated recently by Tommy Rivs in an interview on the Rich Roll Podcast: ‘We’re not victims of happiness. It doesn’t just happen to us‘ and he goes on to discuss making a choice to pursue it. His unique perspective is refreshing, and I highly recommend listening to that interview.

I already know that the pursuit of a happy life is a lesson in patience among other things I can’t even fathom right now, and I realize the vague nature of this writing. I’m writing this way to keep from coming across as complaining, which is easily and obviously working as a defense mechanism. Who am I even defending myself from? I choose to post these things. I choose vulnerability.

Regardless, I AM being rhetorical – but I do have plans and they are on hold.
I know, I know… I’m not the only one.
But maybe now you know that you’re not the only one.

So back to the thing I can control… my physical challenge… fitness this week had it’s intense challenges, and I was truly blessed to have my ‘driving kids to school’ duties alleviated by the Christmas break – not a thing I’d planned but a gift I will gladly receive. I’ve grown to love endurance sport and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it – and my only complaint is the time commitment. It’s the reason I don’t think I could work towards an Iron Man event or anything resembling that, because of the life restructuring that would need to take place in order to train. The sacrifices I’m not prepared to make in regards to my artistic output come into the conversation at some point as well.

There’s nothing overtly wrong with that line of thinking. It doesn’t make me ‘soft’ to have priorities outside of fitness – but fitness is always in mind as I move forward. Perhaps a restructuring will take place in some organic way – I’m open to that.

I am still in pursuit of the religious experience I’ve mentioned before, but deep down I know it’s not going to happen on a stationary bike in a public rec centre, so I attempt to stay ‘in the moment’ while lookin forward to warmer days, when I can connect with my environment more naturally.

Our half-olympic event is next week – due to some scheduling conflicts, we’ve opted to do the Half-Triathlon on Monday, December 27th!
I’ll also be posting some video in the next few days – please watch for that.
If I don’t write another entry before New Years’ Day, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all the best in 2022.

I recently read “your brain is a supercomputer, and your self-talk is the program it’s running” – I won’t pretend to take credit for that quote, nor will I profess to remember who should, but it rings pretty true. Here’s another parallel nugget: “mood follows action.”

I work my body hard 5-6 mornings per week, well before the rooster conjures up anything resembling a crowing sound, and my brain goes into a mode of function resembling that of an android setting out to complete a series of tasks: get dressed – turn on the kettle – bury my face in the dog’s soft warm neck – prepare breakfast – take a B12 supplement – eat breakfast – drink coffee. My girlfriend is only a step behind me at any point, and at some point before either of us says anything resembling an intelligible thought, we’ve decided to carry through with the plan for the morning.

Inspiration is a hard thing to find at 5am. What moves us at this point is a heaping helping of discipline, peppered liberally with routine.

Do I want to do what I’m about to do? No.
Do I want to accomplish what I’m about to embark on? Absolutely.

It’s daily. And yes, there are circumstances that arise that obstruct our view… our hours of employment, for one – but also carpooling kids to school, late nights, an occasionally restless dog getting up in the middle of the night.

Alas, life won’t wait. I need to accomplish this task for my physical well-being, and for my mental well-being. We need to do this together whenever possible, for the good of the fellowship of our household. To share the self-imposed burden. We don’t want to let each other down, so we make a point of not discussing our lack of desire to leave the warm comforts of the nest we’ve built – because Lu’s comfort is a priority for me, as mine is for her. we can’t discuss ‘not going’ because if we do, we’ll excuse each other and regret it later – because mood follows action, and we always feel 1000x better having accomplished the tasks of the morning.

We’re lucky to have each other, and to be on this fitness journey together. I realize that we as a couple are a bit of an anomaly in that regard.

Doing hard things is hard.
Not doing them is harder.

Speaking of hard things, training this week was a relentless force especially in contrast to the lighter effort of last week. A hard swim with a focus on technique on Monday, followed by Tuesday’s BRick workout of 29km on the bike and 5km on the treadmill. Another 6.5km run Wednesday, and a 45 minute bike session on Thursday. The weather has been hovering around minus-20 Celsius, which has made leaving the house difficult to say the least, and the presence of ample vegan confectionary delights in our home has only added a temptation that’s hard to deny – but we’re 2 weeks out from our event, and I think it’s this event that’s going to keep us from slipping completely off the track.

But I also know that even if we do go off-track, we’ll get back on, and we won’t put on any holiday weight we can’t lose again. It’s important to acknowledge that to err is human, and that we have the knowledge and practice in place to deal with any bumps in the road.

As anticipated, I’m working on the next video for The Conscious Pilgrim and; also as anticipated, it’s hard.

By this point I’ve actually completed it twice and ash-canned it as many times because there’s something missing. I know what’s missing. I’ve known the whole time – but in an effort to keep it to a certain length I’ve omitted the part of it that makes it personally mine. I can ply you with facts about a certain topic but in the end I’m regurgitating information that I have no business sharing. I can’t provide an accurate case study because I don’t even know how to read one let alone write one.

So I’m processing. I’m cutting it down to a base level of helpful & succinct information and bringing in my own experience… the only credential I have.

Anyway… It’s coming.

If there’s something that the ol’ covid pandy has taught me (note: there’s a myriad of things the pandemic has taught me and I could likely start every blog entry for the next several years with that opening line) it’s the glaring communication issues that befall us.

It’s not just the algorithm that has failed us (which is a whole other topic) nor is it the fact that every topic of discussion seems to have been politicized to the point that many people are afraid to share their opinions for fear of a flame-war in the comments section.

I hypothesize that the problem with surface level dialogue is the surface level, itself.

Citing myself as an example, there are a lot of things I can weigh in on at an almost-expert level. We’re all armchair professionals at in regards to our own interests, so I can talk about the health benefits of not eating animal flesh, guitar specs, 1960’s Fords, musical theory, triathlon, and a great number of other topics and really – nobody cares. I’m impassioned by these topics, and in most company – I’m alone. A former version of myself might come to that conclusion and be really sad about it, while another former version of myself might be in total denial about it, but the end result is the same – these things don’t matter to most people, thus most people aren’t going to connect with me at that level.

However, as I search hard & dig deep into myself and feel compelled to share (I mean really share, not just by hitting the ‘share’ button) my accomplishments with the triathlon training, or a song I’ve written, or a vulnerable story I’ve somehow cobbled together using the vast black hole that is the English language and something crazy happened: people started to connect. Not about triathlon – nobody cares about triathlon (as previously stated). Most people who are paying attention think that running a triathlon is a fool’s errand and they’re probably right. What they seem to be connecting with is the fact that I am accomplishing something hard. I’m doing a thing that I couldn’t have done 6 months ago.

I’m improving myself – and most people that are excited about that are probably excited about it because it needed to happen. OR – they’re excited because they are improving themselves and now we share that. They are probably trying something hard that they’re reluctant to post about on social media for the aforementioned reasons. Perhaps it’s vicarious – and they want to try something hard – maybe they will.

They don’t care about what I care about. They care about me.
I care about them.
I care about you. I want you to do well at everything you try – but I also want it to be hard, and for you to learn something about yourself.

The surface-level will always be there. It needs to be, really – but I am finding that as much as I need to get below the surface level, people seem to really need to connect with me below the surface level, too. In a world full of hashtag-best-life posts, and so many people only showing their most picturesque vacations and culinary delights filtered through the instagram lens – it’s important to find and connect with the doers and the creators. After last year, I think we’re all screaming for it.

Now for the part you don’t care about (HA!): triathlon training.

This week’s training program has been a bit of reprieve, and well-timed. The bike, Swim, and run workouts have been at about half-capacity from last week and with life moving at it’s current pace, I couldn’t be happier about it. it gives me time to try and figure out how I’m going to pencil in next week’s utter punishment. PUNISHMENT I say.

The week has been exhausting and Christmas is coming. My band, Confusionaires just made arrangements with a new manager, and I’ve got some guitar gigs with an Elvis Tribute act I play with booking in the new year – both are wonderful opportunities, but as Thomas Edison is credited with saying: “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work” – but… Edison was no Tesla.

When I was younger and it was the 90’s, this thing called the internet showed up and a myriad or wide-eyed, speculative ideas poured from people as to what was possible, and in some contrast, there was just as many fears – some founded and some not – being thrown around just as hard.

One of those founded fears that I recall being talked about in class, was online conduct, and how people would be able to access things you said (in ‘chat rooms’ at the time) years after you said them, and hold them against you, which ‘could be an issue if you ever wanted to be a politician or a public figure.’ seems that fear was pretty rational.

Now, I’m not saying it’s right so much as I’m saying it’s true – that’s clearly a very real thing.

I don’t want to talk about Cancel culture.
I want to talk about redemption.

There are times in all of our lives when we’ve made regrettable decisions. We’ve hurt people, we’ve abused our friends, our family, and ourselves. We’ve lied and used words we shouldn’t have used that have had a lasting affect on people. We’ve rung bells we can’t un-ring.

And hopefully…

We’ve redeemed ourselves.
We’ve apologized and made peace.
Changed behaviors.
Some people don’t, of course. Changing is a choice, but so is staying the same.
For many of us; though, we likely no longer even resemble the person we once were who said and did those things. So the question becomes: Should our former selves be held to a more modern standard?

This is where forgiveness and redemption meet.

I believe when you apologize or ask for forgiveness, you are not asking someone to ‘get over’ your error. Rather, what you are asking for is permission to stop shouldering the burden of your behavior. The affected parties CAN grant you this permission if they deem it appropriate, but they might not choose to do so on the timeline that you’ve chosen. They might need more time. They might need to observe that you’ve changed before they can do that. And honestly, they might never grant you that – and that is their part of the story.

Personally, I’m hoping to make amends with someone who’s feelings I was reckless with over a decade ago. It’s been a long road and I’m confident that I can show him that I’m not who I used to be anymore, and his willingness to let me take a step closer indicates to me that he’s done some growing and changing, too. This won’t happen immediately but I keep that situation in mind. He’s not the only person I’ve done this to, but I’ve managed to get to a place of mutual respect with the others, even if the issues were never directly addressed in conversation. Perhaps they should be.

Fitness this week has been pretty wild. Following my swimming lesson with my pal Clay, I’m moving much quicker through the water and although I’ve still got improvements to make, I’m excited to watch myself improve. Aside from that, the way my schedule worked out this week meant having a BRick (bike & run) workout on both Saturday and Tuesday – both of which were punishing, but came with a great feeling of accomplishment. Truthfully, I feel like I can do this half-olympic triathlon any day now, but I am dedicated to completing the training program (which is getting more and more intense).

We’re also pretty confident that we have a day picked out in 2022 for the full-distance Olympic triathlon, but I’m going to stay tight-lipped about that for the time being, because I need to formulate a tentative tour schedule.

I’ve spent more time in my life than I care to admit to (or can reasonably articulate) making decisions about myself without any real consideration of anything. Vague as that sounds – so have you.

I’m reminded with some regularity that we spend much of our teen years deciding who we are going to be as adults. I was no different – I’ve been a rock-&-roll-musician-songwriter-type-guy for ever. In that regard I was absolutely correct, however I can say unequivocally that I talked myself out of trying things that I might have really enjoyed, and may have even guided the path of my life differently. For better or worse… I can’t change the past.

But – I can change.

If you’ve known me for a number of years then you know that this is of no surprise. I’ve changed quite a bit and continue to do so.

One of the most obvious things I went for was the rock & roll cliche dream. Whiskey & cigarettes & drugs & late nights & parties & gas station food & being on tour & sleeping in the van & being a poet. Later on, I compromised my trajectory and second guessed my abilities. I settled for a lesser version of what I was capable of and a couple decades later I’m making up for it. I honestly feel like a kid, pushing hard in my musical endeavors and dreaming big – because there’s nothing stating that there’s any less opportunity for me as a 40-something than as a 20-something. A career in music is tough for any age, but I’m much more equipped to make better decisions regarding that career now.

Anyway… I did all that and I was good at it, and I will continue to do it. But sometimes as I’m running outside in the cold and my mind starts to drift, I think about the times I audibly said ‘I’m not a sports guy.’ There are elements of truth to that – I’ve never been a TEAM sports guy, and I’m not keen on playing any games that put my guitar playing at risk by messing up my hands or fingers… but then again, I really didn’t look very hard at alternatives. I was on one-track. I put that limitation on myself, and I really didn’t need to – I already had limitations put on me from a defunded education system and a poverty line that rose faster than the household income. (I’m not casting blame on circumstance – just acknowledging it).

Funny how things can change. I can’t even say with certainty that I’ll do triathlon forever, because – wouldn’t that also be a limitation?

Speaking of eschewing limitations, THIS WEEK I took a swimming lesson from a friend & former colleague through work, Clay. He’s a veritable powerhouse in the water and has probably forgotten more than I know about staying afloat, so it was great to get some formal drills and have a critique of my form from such a knowledgeable source. I’ve got some work to do but I’m a lot more confident with my flutter kick now and have some drills I can do to get warm and stay as hydrodynamic as possible. I’m sure I’ll be hitting him up for more pointers before long, but he’s certainly left me with some things to focus on and I am beyond appreciative.

The rest of the training week has been pretty on-track, really. I got my 5 km run in this week at 31:30, and got a solid 45minutes on the bike. Tomorrow; however is the heaviest brick workout to date, with 22.5km on the bike and a 30 minute run. Beyond that, I’m performing my first solo show in years later that afternoon so I’ve got more than just a couple things to think about.

Upon reflection, the hindsight of the training week is always quite rose-colored as I’ve chocked it up to accomplishment, which I suppose is the problem with a weekly retrospective account of things. In the moment it’s not always that. The moment burns sometimes, and I have bouts of wondering how I’m even going to finish the session, let alone the challenge. I don’t have a solution, or an explanation of what to do, or how to proceed. I do know that those moments are fleeting though.

Lu told me once that anxiety only lasts a second, and that it’s your memory of the anxious moment that looms in the air around you. Remembering that is helpful. Believing that you’re capable of more than you think is also helpful. And, knowing that the most beautiful works in nature, from thunderstorms to diamonds are all created under stress, pressure, and friction – and strong will and good character are products of the same.