I’ve opted to wander, once again.
It’s not that I don’t see the value and merits of the 12-step program for recovery or that I’ve concluded that I am not in need of help with my addictive traits, but for reasons I’ll only be vague about, I’ve left my recovery group behind in search of something that resonates a bit deeper with me.
It’s a group of wonderful and well-meaning people who are united by their struggle, but I’ve concluded that my struggle is different than theirs. Where I seek solace in a 2-hour rigorous physical workout, or am compelled to dive headlong into my art for says on end, I do so at the behest of God.
This means that if I am truly made in his image, then I must also conclude that he is a solitary being, a self-critical physical powerhouse, and carries with him a dark passenger that he must feed; but not over-feed, in order to maintain a structured balance in all his endeavors.
The weight lifted from my chest following my decision to leave was heavy, and I feel free, albeit untethered. I’m cognizant of my vulnerability as a loner who’s on a spiritual path and I realize that I can be led astray, and taken advantage of. I’ve learned a lot from the 12 steps, as I have from the various churches and barrooms I’ve held service in… and I can’t even say I’ll never go back, because I just may.
But my community is a different one… which is either waiting for me to find them, or waiting for me to stop looking as they’re already here. As well, my acts of service are different, and I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet, but I do have a set of skills that makes me unique and I look forward to the opportunity to enrich lives with them… maybe I am already.
The Conscious Pilgrim 