vegan athlete – The Conscious Pilgrim

off-days

Everyone can use a day off.
A week off sounds nice, and by ‘sounds’ nice I mean it s o u n d s nice… but when it’s a week you didn’t choose to take off, it’s frustrating.

Well, I didn’t take the week off. I just had an ‘off’ week in a couple different ways.

I had a teeth appointment on Monday morning.
And I had a bloodwork appointment on Thursday morning.
These things; in and of themselves, are fairly nothing-burger reasons to register my disgust throughout the online world, however I am DOING SOMETHING and however important that something might be to me and my autistic, routine-loving, goal-oriented lifestyle, it’s fair to say that those things are important enough.

I’m amid a level of progress with my fitness and nutrient intake that I am very concerned with knocking off the tracks, and these 2 events meant I got 3 workouts in when there should have been 5. And of COURSE other irritating things happened this week.

Tuesday, I had to take my dog to the vet – he’s fine… just an ear infection that’s clearing up nicely.
On Wednesday, I’d anticipated the arrival of a package that never came.
Y’know… basic human shit.

As much as a vet visit and an undelivered package messed with the equilibrium of my calendar, they didn’t mess with my brain the way a missed workout does. I tend to feel very undisciplined when I miss a workout. My psychological response to not being able to start the day with my intended program is to (metaphorically) throw my hands in the air and write the whole day off… I’m far more likely to stay up too late, binge-eat junk food, and ignore my macronutrient balance and overall calorie intake on a day when I miss a workout than on a regular training day.

Again, the difference between an ‘intentional rest day‘ and a ‘missed training day‘ are pretty vast, despite looking exactly the same from the outside. A missed training day feels completely fucked-up and out of sorts in the “I missed a workout so I might as well eat an entire bag of oreos and not move from the couch” sort of way. An intentional rest day is something I earned, that allows for a longer sleep, and longer dog-walk, focused energy on my personal projects, and a visit to a record store, among other things.

But I digress – these things are going to happen, and I need to make room for them at those times, because if I’d had 2 consecutive weeks of ‘4 workouts instead of 5‘ I’d be just as annoyed. And as I look at the coming months, I see only a couple or 3 days of potential interruption until Christmas time… at which point I’ll be trying to put a positive spin on all of THAT mess and derailment in this very blog.

Anyway, we can resolve to roll with the punches… or we can stand firm and get our jaw broken – but in this metaphor, either way… a punch in the face is coming for you.

In other news, you can go stream “The Future Ain’t What it Used To Be” in its entirety on whatever service you use to steal music. I’m boxing up records and mailing them out this week. Clicking that link means it’s not to late to order your copy on vinyl.

artisan

I’m more than aware of my dependence on social media as a means of connection. I don’t spend a lot of time scrolling these days because I’ve got some manual / analog projects to take my focus away from that which is… not real… mostly bullshit.

That’s not entirely true…
The not scrolling as much is true, but since I started removing superfluous rage-bait and polarizing views from my feed, and replacing those things with photos and discussions between people who are actually doing things on their own, while trying to connect with others doing the same. That helps… to be able to lend advice or help someone who is struggling to understand a concept I learned, and to similarly be provided the same from other people further down the road than me, is it’s own reward.

That might be the closest I’ve been to ‘gift without reciprocation’ in a long time, which is the ultimate act of service, really. To help someone without them really even knowing who helped them.

I digress… I am much happier when I am doing something.
Making records. Writing songs. Building guitar pedals. Writing in this blog. Beating myself up at the gym.
These things have a lot in common, not the least of which is a consistent practice.

The conversation of ‘motivation’ comes up from time to time with people, and the response is always “It’s not motivation. Motivation is a temporary fancy, and when motivation moves along, discipline takes over.” Though; if I’m being honest, sometimes discipline and stubborn persistence kinda look the same.

This coming week I have 2 different mornings where getting a workout is going to be a challenge and/or likely not happen. Byt the second one, I’ll be entering the “no! fuck you! I’m going to the gym!” phase, and I’ll be trying to finesse things so I can get 5 x 90-minute sessions in.
I’ll probably settle for 4.
3 is not something I want to do.

Beyond that is a skill level that is always building, and material knowledge that is constantly growing.

This is where I tend to think that as someone on the autism spectrum (AuDHD, if you’re interested) I am able to zero-in on the practical knowledge and learn a lot in a short period of time. However,there is a patience I have, as someone with ASD, and a patience I lack, as someone with ADHD… and my personal history will dictate that I am capable of building and following a plan, but and prone to hitting that ‘home stretch’ before running for the metaphorical finish line… where I will figuratively trip over my own shoelaces and fall on my face.

But I get back up.
And I fix it.
And I keep building.

They say you have to be “happy where you are” and as long as I am in a state of learning and growth, I am at my happiest. Problems don’t bother me much, because although I can lose patience on occasion, I know I will eventually understand how to correct any problems. I WILL get it. It WILL be okay.

This is how you get good.

back in the black

There are seasons to everything. Except Edmonton weather, I guess. Edmonton weather has been a carnival ride with varying vomit-inducing speeds, but I guess I’ll save that line of complaining for another day.

The fall; historically speaking, ahs been the ‘back to basics’ time for me. Summer comes to an end, and the loathing associated with the malady of late nights and lazy afternoons comes into view. This is when I find myself growing weary of half-assed workouts and lazy sundays, and my thirst for personal discipline and productivity are in play.

It’s happening now.
It’s a couple weeks early, actually.

I’ve found my macro balance and am staring down my meal plans, and am formulating my workout plan for the winter, to commence Monday. There’s a lot of things I wish I had gotten to this summer, but my resentments are mostly based around the summertime and the fact that my favorite mountain bike trail has been continually washed out week after week, and I can’t complain too much as I prepare to launch my side-hustle business that I may have an artistic collaborator on. Who could be upset about that?

I’ve learned a lot this year so far, particularly pertaining to my mental health and to the mental health of the people around me. There are a lot of things that I thought about myself that are not true, and in retrospect, I was trying to convince myself were true. You can sell yourself on just about anything, for a while. Maybe forever, if you stop searching – but who wants to stop searching?

Not this cowboy.

I’m back in black in all the ways.
I’m on top.
Even making that assertion feels good. Right. Strong.
I’ve been mourning and issuing sympathy to my younger self, and as important as that is, I am now seeing that I can give grace to my younger self without letting my current self wander off-leash.
That kid needs grace… but this man needs to kick his own ass into gear.

It’s time to run miles and write songs and build circuits and lift weights.
… now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been doing those things all along – just not to the intense degree that I love. I realize that my regimen is still more disciplined and intense than most people, but this isn’t about most people. It’s about me.

Even the nights are getting longer and the days are getting shorter.
It’s cooling off.
It’s go-time.

I know I have a tendency to let things slip when I’m needed… and I don’t regret that at all. That’s part of being human, and part of community. I just wish I could return to discipline in a more effective and efficient way.

This summer has been fraught with crazy event after crazy event, but a (more) disciplined morning plan would have helped me.

As well, I only just realized that I’ve been receiving messages from this blog and just stumbled upon how to check and respond to them. There’s an embarrassing amount of correspondence over the past few years and to those who have reached out and gotten nothing back, I apologize.

Hopefully it’s not too late for the collaborations and re-posts that have been pitched to me. If you sent me a message once upon a time, and you’re still reading this blog, I’m sorry. I’ve begun replying to these incredibly overdue messages.

If you’re in Grande Prairie this weekend, I’m playing guitar at The Great Northern with Robin Kelly’s Elvis Tribute “Long Live The King” and I’ll be at Sterling Skull getting my leg colored on by Chris Rhyason, the damn coyote himself.

Stop in at the vegan bakery across the street on your way in 😉

failure to land

“Failure to launch” is not a problem I deal with very often. In 44 years of bumping into walls (and hyperfixating simultaneously) with everything from navigating my own skill set in the workforce, to self-propulsion within the arts, I’ve developed a pretty vast knowledge base in a number of areas… project management, contract negotiation, self-promotion, delegation, songwriting, copywriting, policy writing, web content writing, videography, design, photography, guitar playing, composition, music theory…

… it’s a long list.

I thought for a long time that I was a one-trick pony.
In reality… it’s a hell of a trick.

Getting off the ground has never been a challenge for me. But I do have a comfort zone… and as a result, I’ve cratered more than a few projects before they really had a chance to develop out what I can only conclude is a fear of success – the notion that getting good at the wrong thing will make it so that the money will keep me in place and my soul will forever be unhappy has dogged me for a lot of my life.

Since identifying this roughly a decade ago, I’ve worked hard to counter this action. I thought I was keeping myself free, but really I was tethering myself in this safe and familiar struggle.

I now understand this to be a neurodivergent trait. ADHD, specifically.

Negative self talk plays a big role.

What’s interesting though, is that in the face of uncertainty, I’ve been pretty adaptable. I find a safe place to recoup, and I move forward from there. I’m certain that it’s a trauma response of some kind, but I suppose that’s fine, because (a) we ALL have unresolved trauma, and (b) we are learning machines.

I think back to my split with my wife 15 years ago, which was a tumultuous and difficult time, of course. I spent some time living in my emotional state… and then I got to work. My rent wasn’t going to pay itself, and I knew immediately that the way I treated my new ex-wife was going to directly affect my daughter’s relationships with men. Fortunately for me, when it comes to ex-wives, I hit the jackpot… so I got to work on being the best man I could be, which is simultaneously not hard, and impossible.

What we can’t see in the moment is that there’s a process involved. No species ever decided to evolve, but there’s evidence of it everywhere. I never thought “one day, I’ll be THIS, and live happily ever after” because that doesn’t exist in the moment – it exists in the future.

My understanding that “this is a process” exists exclusively in the past and I am only aware of the process because I followed it. There’s lots of guys out there that don’t have a clue about any of this… and that’s their journey, not mine.

That process worked.

My daughter turns 18 this year. She’s spent the majority of highschool on the honour role, she’s more self aware and independent than I ever could have been at that age, and the day she was admitted into University – a day that is still very fresh in my mind – was the day I could officially say that she oupaced her old man. I’m very proud.

I only understand now that there was a process… and thank god I followed it.

In the moment, that process doesn’t mean anything.
The only thing that mattered in each moment of the past 18 years was “How do I love this kid?“

It’s the same for everything else I’ve ever done: How do I solve this? How to I climb this? How to I conquer this? How do I enjoy this? How do I survive this?

It’s in retrospect that I am skilled at anything.

I always wanted an immediate result.
A magic pill.
An answer key.
A hand.

But those things were never availed to me.
If you’re ever wondering what “God helps those who help themselves” (which I believe is a Benjamin Franklin quote, not a bible verse) really means… that’s what it means.

permission to feel

I’m someone who spends a lot of time in their own head. I struggle to shut my brain off at the absolute best of times and quite often, there’s nothing more comforting to me than to field a question about something that I am particularly well-versed in.

Beyond that, I take medication that acts as a stimulant, that – if I were to intellectualize it – allows the energy level of my body to catch up to the energy level of my brain where there can be some sense of equilibrium. It may even divert some energy, but that remains to be seen. These are ADHD meds, and since I am AuDHD (combining forces of Autism and ADHD), my Autism is a little more ‘free to roam,’ as it were.

The assertion that Autistic people don’t feel emotion is incorrect. They just process it differently. I would argue that they feel emotions to a higher degree and that regulating those emotions are more of a challenge… so don’t confuse that monotone voice and that deadpan look for anything other than what it is – honesty. If you’re seeing that face and hearing that voice, then you are looking and talking with someone who is not ‘masking’ their disability, and if it feels awkward, it’s not the Autistic person who doesn’t know how to react, it’s you.

Anyway…

… with ADHD meds working in full force, I’ve ultimately never felt more autistic than I do now.

Sorta makes it sound like I live even MORE in my head than before, right? Well, kinda. Except I can put thought to action way more easily without my ADHD symptoms clouding judgement and distracting me, metaphorically tying my shoelaces together.

There are not a lot of Autistic people who will tell you this, but I actually love my autism. Being able to see how I function differently from the people around me is not a new thing… I’ve always been different – but to know WHY and HOW is a comfort I’ve never felt before.

It’s allowed me to walk in the truth that I am very smart, and very resourceful, and good at a lot of things.

It’s got it’s challenges… especially for a “tough guy, rock & roll guy, a hot rod guy, a dad… of a daughter…” and all of the other tropes that beset men. Don’t get me wrong – I know this whole society was set up for me to succeed, but it comes on the condition that we must all be as stoic, stiff-lipped, and unrelenting as Rooster Cogburn in True Grit.

… now who’s not regulating their emotions?

Right.

The truth is that you can have a good life and still be sad. you can be smart and also make a poor decision. You can be a professional and still perform poorly.

And… you’re allowed to feel shitty.

Shitty is a feeling that is just as valid as happiness and just as important to acknowledge, live in, and move through. It’s repressing that feeling that hurts you, because you hang onto it, and add to it, until it’s bigger than you.

I try to remember these things when I’m consoling someone who’s sad, because I have to ask myself if I’m trying to make them feel “better” because it makes the dynamic in the room less awkward for ME… when really, the person being consoled should be made to felt SAFE to feel those feelings.

a thousand papercuts

I never in a million years would have described myself as someone with anxiety.

And I still don’t.

The end.

Well, not not exactly.

Do I have clinical anxiety? no.
Do I get anxious about things? Yes, I suppose we all do, but I honestly thought I might be the exception to the rule, because I generally felt the same about most things in my life. I never really got too worked up about ‘the small stuff’ as a general rule because in the grand scheme of things, I could anticipate a desired outcome if a few things were given special attention. So, generally speaking, I would operate at a baseline that I would really only deviate from in special circumstances.

I realize I’m speaking in broad terms, but that’s because I have always done this.

Then I started looking into natural supplementation to assist in recovery from athletic fatigue – i.e. I was running a lot and wanted to run more, and more frequently – and I happened upon an article about ‘cannabidiol’ – a cannabinoid that is fairly cheap and plentiful for those of the age of majority up here in the land of legal weed, better known to most as CBD.

There are several weed stores within dog walking distance, and they’re all pretty friendly to my giant Dane/Hound, so I did a little observational research of my own and found that it worked decently enough as described, but it also offered me an education in what my baseline for operation really was.

On a scale of 1-10, I’d have told you that I operate in the 1-2 range on a daily basis for stress and anxiety, but it was more like a 3 or 4. Again, not staggering, but I’d been hovering around the 3-4 mark for so long that it felt like nothing. As it happens, I’ve been living and coping with “1000 micro-anxieties” of which I was in unaware.

A better name for that is “overwhelmed.”
And being constantly overwhelmed is symptomatic of other things.

It’s truly amazing what we can decide about ourselves, and subscribe to… until we suddenly can’t anymore.

Popping a CBD caplet put me down to an actual 1-2.
And then I knew something that I could never un-know.

Now, again… not an anxious person by definition, and I won’t start to say that I am at any point but it was fairly eye opening to go from ‘not worrying about the little stuff’ to ‘actually not worrying about the little stuff.’

So, I found a little thread… and I tugged on it… and through some of my own research and podcast-listening and conversations with other neurodivergent folks – whom I seem to be surrounded by, for the most part – I decided to go for a formal diagnosis for AuDHD (the one-two-punch of ADHD and ASD, together at last).

I was put on ADHD medication, and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, with the ADHD dog now on it’s leash… I’ve never felt more autistic.

So, there’s an origin story for you, lol.
44 years of believing things were a certain way, and that everyone has a similar experience.

But, no.
They don’t.

scheduling creative output

Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?
Well, maybe it doesn’t to you, but it always did to me.
Don’t knock it ’til you try it, though.

I’m not sure when, or how I started doing it, but it’s been a few years of attempting to do this and I have to say, It’s been working pretty well. However, there are some common beliefs that most people seem to hold around creativity that you’re going to have to drop if you want to get a handle on this.

There’s no such thing as writer’s’ block…

… or any other kind of creativity block for that matter. Writer’s (or creator’s) block; as a concept, is not the inability to write (or creator). It’s the fear that you’re going to write something bad.

So, write something bad and toss it. You’ve written bad things before and tossed them.
Night time is not the only time you can make art.

You don’t have to dig very hard to find documentation that supports the notion that proper diet, exercise, and a good night’s sleep does wonders for your brain. It stands to reason that; since your brain is pretty heavily involved in the artisan process, that you could sleep during that sacred late hour and be more refreshed and more creative any other time of day.

You might just prefer to create at night. That’s fine. But it’s worth noting that there are reasons for it, such as being interrupted by distraction less, since most people are asleep, and we have social contracts in place that prevent people from calling late at night. Maybe you have a fear of missing out during the regular waking hours. Maybe you lack discipline. It doesn’t matter, really… work all night for all I care – but acknowledge that it’s ultimately a choice.
Drugs and alcohol don’t make your art better.

If anything, they make bad art more tolerable. You’re free to believe whatever you want but I’ve seen more than a few decent artists become shitty artists, seemingly on purpose. I don’t have a problem with drug fuelled art – I actually enjoy quite a bit of it, but I do believe that art was in you to begin with.

In an alternate reality, I’d have been able to hear Hendrix play straight & sober. I think we tend to (and yes, I have certainly done this) have a propensity for nerves, and want to ‘take the edge off’ in order to give what we think will be a better performance.

But to “take the edge off” is to admit that (a) you have an ‘edge’ and (b) understand why. I’d rather “live on the edge”, if you’ll pardon the antiquated term.

Clearly I’m not talking about prescribed medication here.

Circumstances. I get up early and I go to the gym. I often work up a sweat, as is typical with long intervals of steady-state cardio followed by heavy weightlifting. Since I have an elevated heart rate, my blood pumps faster, speeding the whole body system up, including the brain. As a result I get wild ideas about art and writing while I’m running on a treadmill, or on the trails, or lifting weights – often frustratingly with nothing to write on or with.

I keep my weightlifting progress noted, but my pen actually DIED this morning, which may have been what prompted this whole post.

I’ve taken to writing emails to myself so I can log the idea or develop it further next time I’m sitting at a computer. Hours later, computer bound, I’ve written numerous songs, blog posts, and developed a few different ideas for my most recent art project. Obviously, during the work day, I’m fairly focused on the tasks at hand, but once the evening rolls around and I’ve got a few hours to burn, I’ll dig in hard.

Dig in on what? I may have to consult my calendar reminders…

If there’s an upcoming show I’m playing, I may find myself running songs, which will likely turn into me trying to perfect some technique by the end of the alotted time.

If it’s an idea for an art project, or a further pursuit of an idea I’ve been working on for some time then I’ll leave it a little bit open. I may need to solder or weld something – but; if my hands and eyes don’t want to work together, then I might do some sanding or prep some things for paint. OR, maybe I’ll just plug a guitar in and push creativity that way.

The point isn’t specifically what I’m doing, so long as I am moving forward. All steps forward are progressions toward the ultimate goal, so just because I didn’t accomplish exactly what I’d set out to doesn’t mean I didn’t accomplish anything… small wins are still wins… even if it ends up being on a completely different project altogether.

That’s some AuDHD shit right there. The time dedicated to art is planned… of the 2 (groan…) “Wolves” inside me (ASD and ADHD) – the plan is integral to my success as an autistic artist. I have set aside this time for this and if I don’t use the time and space to be creative then I’ll be upset. The ADHD in me is totally fine with “my painting sucks today… let’s hash out some guitar riffs” and can seamlessly move to another creative outlet. This is how I’ve learned how to utilize both sides of this AuDHD diagnosis and it’s been very helpful to be able to acknowledge both, and how important each of them are.

Then when it’s time to wind down (again, a predetermined time), it’s important to develop and practice a routine that gets your head out of the art and into the pillow. That can be really hard to do… but fortunately you’re allowed to make notes, or send yourself another email, all in an effort to spend what’s left of the mental energy and move into a place of quiet and rest.

Then you can get that ever important sleep, get some good food in you, and maybe your hands won’t be so shaky tomorrow evening and you (or I, in this instance) can get that soldering or welding project tackled after all.

The goal; for me, at least… is to be artistic in all aspects of life. It’s perfectly natural to have a few projects on the go at a time… but if distraction is a challenge for you then you may need to limit the amount of projects you take on, or at least change your expectations of progress.

There’s no wrong way to make art, but there are definitely ways of being more effective and being more efficient… and there are ways of being an artist and taking care of yourself, too…