autism – The Conscious Pilgrim

permission to feel

I’m someone who spends a lot of time in their own head. I struggle to shut my brain off at the absolute best of times and quite often, there’s nothing more comforting to me than to field a question about something that I am particularly well-versed in.

Beyond that, I take medication that acts as a stimulant, that – if I were to intellectualize it – allows the energy level of my body to catch up to the energy level of my brain where there can be some sense of equilibrium. It may even divert some energy, but that remains to be seen. These are ADHD meds, and since I am AuDHD (combining forces of Autism and ADHD), my Autism is a little more ‘free to roam,’ as it were.

The assertion that Autistic people don’t feel emotion is incorrect. They just process it differently. I would argue that they feel emotions to a higher degree and that regulating those emotions are more of a challenge… so don’t confuse that monotone voice and that deadpan look for anything other than what it is – honesty. If you’re seeing that face and hearing that voice, then you are looking and talking with someone who is not ‘masking’ their disability, and if it feels awkward, it’s not the Autistic person who doesn’t know how to react, it’s you.

Anyway…

… with ADHD meds working in full force, I’ve ultimately never felt more autistic than I do now.

Sorta makes it sound like I live even MORE in my head than before, right? Well, kinda. Except I can put thought to action way more easily without my ADHD symptoms clouding judgement and distracting me, metaphorically tying my shoelaces together.

There are not a lot of Autistic people who will tell you this, but I actually love my autism. Being able to see how I function differently from the people around me is not a new thing… I’ve always been different – but to know WHY and HOW is a comfort I’ve never felt before.

It’s allowed me to walk in the truth that I am very smart, and very resourceful, and good at a lot of things.

It’s got it’s challenges… especially for a “tough guy, rock & roll guy, a hot rod guy, a dad… of a daughter…” and all of the other tropes that beset men. Don’t get me wrong – I know this whole society was set up for me to succeed, but it comes on the condition that we must all be as stoic, stiff-lipped, and unrelenting as Rooster Cogburn in True Grit.

… now who’s not regulating their emotions?

Right.

The truth is that you can have a good life and still be sad. you can be smart and also make a poor decision. You can be a professional and still perform poorly.

And… you’re allowed to feel shitty.

Shitty is a feeling that is just as valid as happiness and just as important to acknowledge, live in, and move through. It’s repressing that feeling that hurts you, because you hang onto it, and add to it, until it’s bigger than you.

I try to remember these things when I’m consoling someone who’s sad, because I have to ask myself if I’m trying to make them feel “better” because it makes the dynamic in the room less awkward for ME… when really, the person being consoled should be made to felt SAFE to feel those feelings.

scheduling creative output

Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?
Well, maybe it doesn’t to you, but it always did to me.
Don’t knock it ’til you try it, though.

I’m not sure when, or how I started doing it, but it’s been a few years of attempting to do this and I have to say, It’s been working pretty well. However, there are some common beliefs that most people seem to hold around creativity that you’re going to have to drop if you want to get a handle on this.

There’s no such thing as writer’s’ block…

… or any other kind of creativity block for that matter. Writer’s (or creator’s) block; as a concept, is not the inability to write (or creator). It’s the fear that you’re going to write something bad.

So, write something bad and toss it. You’ve written bad things before and tossed them.
Night time is not the only time you can make art.

You don’t have to dig very hard to find documentation that supports the notion that proper diet, exercise, and a good night’s sleep does wonders for your brain. It stands to reason that; since your brain is pretty heavily involved in the artisan process, that you could sleep during that sacred late hour and be more refreshed and more creative any other time of day.

You might just prefer to create at night. That’s fine. But it’s worth noting that there are reasons for it, such as being interrupted by distraction less, since most people are asleep, and we have social contracts in place that prevent people from calling late at night. Maybe you have a fear of missing out during the regular waking hours. Maybe you lack discipline. It doesn’t matter, really… work all night for all I care – but acknowledge that it’s ultimately a choice.
Drugs and alcohol don’t make your art better.

If anything, they make bad art more tolerable. You’re free to believe whatever you want but I’ve seen more than a few decent artists become shitty artists, seemingly on purpose. I don’t have a problem with drug fuelled art – I actually enjoy quite a bit of it, but I do believe that art was in you to begin with.

In an alternate reality, I’d have been able to hear Hendrix play straight & sober. I think we tend to (and yes, I have certainly done this) have a propensity for nerves, and want to ‘take the edge off’ in order to give what we think will be a better performance.

But to “take the edge off” is to admit that (a) you have an ‘edge’ and (b) understand why. I’d rather “live on the edge”, if you’ll pardon the antiquated term.

Clearly I’m not talking about prescribed medication here.

Circumstances. I get up early and I go to the gym. I often work up a sweat, as is typical with long intervals of steady-state cardio followed by heavy weightlifting. Since I have an elevated heart rate, my blood pumps faster, speeding the whole body system up, including the brain. As a result I get wild ideas about art and writing while I’m running on a treadmill, or on the trails, or lifting weights – often frustratingly with nothing to write on or with.

I keep my weightlifting progress noted, but my pen actually DIED this morning, which may have been what prompted this whole post.

I’ve taken to writing emails to myself so I can log the idea or develop it further next time I’m sitting at a computer. Hours later, computer bound, I’ve written numerous songs, blog posts, and developed a few different ideas for my most recent art project. Obviously, during the work day, I’m fairly focused on the tasks at hand, but once the evening rolls around and I’ve got a few hours to burn, I’ll dig in hard.

Dig in on what? I may have to consult my calendar reminders…

If there’s an upcoming show I’m playing, I may find myself running songs, which will likely turn into me trying to perfect some technique by the end of the alotted time.

If it’s an idea for an art project, or a further pursuit of an idea I’ve been working on for some time then I’ll leave it a little bit open. I may need to solder or weld something – but; if my hands and eyes don’t want to work together, then I might do some sanding or prep some things for paint. OR, maybe I’ll just plug a guitar in and push creativity that way.

The point isn’t specifically what I’m doing, so long as I am moving forward. All steps forward are progressions toward the ultimate goal, so just because I didn’t accomplish exactly what I’d set out to doesn’t mean I didn’t accomplish anything… small wins are still wins… even if it ends up being on a completely different project altogether.

That’s some AuDHD shit right there. The time dedicated to art is planned… of the 2 (groan…) “Wolves” inside me (ASD and ADHD) – the plan is integral to my success as an autistic artist. I have set aside this time for this and if I don’t use the time and space to be creative then I’ll be upset. The ADHD in me is totally fine with “my painting sucks today… let’s hash out some guitar riffs” and can seamlessly move to another creative outlet. This is how I’ve learned how to utilize both sides of this AuDHD diagnosis and it’s been very helpful to be able to acknowledge both, and how important each of them are.

Then when it’s time to wind down (again, a predetermined time), it’s important to develop and practice a routine that gets your head out of the art and into the pillow. That can be really hard to do… but fortunately you’re allowed to make notes, or send yourself another email, all in an effort to spend what’s left of the mental energy and move into a place of quiet and rest.

Then you can get that ever important sleep, get some good food in you, and maybe your hands won’t be so shaky tomorrow evening and you (or I, in this instance) can get that soldering or welding project tackled after all.

The goal; for me, at least… is to be artistic in all aspects of life. It’s perfectly natural to have a few projects on the go at a time… but if distraction is a challenge for you then you may need to limit the amount of projects you take on, or at least change your expectations of progress.

There’s no wrong way to make art, but there are definitely ways of being more effective and being more efficient… and there are ways of being an artist and taking care of yourself, too…

transitional period

whenever I think of the term transitional period, I think of that scene in Pulp Fiction when the couple is holding up the diner and Julian (as played by Samuel L Jackson) mentions “I’m in a transitional period right now and I don’t want to hurt you, I want to help you...”

I’ve said those exact words so many times that I’m surprised nobody ever mentioned the reference, though it is rather obscure. I’m just as surprised that nobody’s ever retorted (‘retort’ being another word that reminds me of Julian from Pulp Fiction) and said “Davey, you’re always in a transitional period.”

And I guess I am.

I suppose I am in that long transition from birth to earthly death, but I am also constantly changing. I often think of the old Greek philosophical proverb ‘A man never stands in the same river twice‘ – something that is constantly in mind, and I jokingly said to someone who was describing how the pizza from this one family-owned pizzeria is always a little different than the time before, but it’s always good. My joke flew past… but I’m autistic so whatever.

I will often wonder if I am the only person who feels this way. From the outside, it seems like so many people are just hitting that day-to-day as consistently and (possibly) as aimlessly as ever, just surviving… never thriving or flailing, steady as she goes until something life-altering happens, at which point they are so jarred by circumstance that they can’t get their footing, and their eyes are opened for the very first time.

That’s not a description of anyone in particular. It’s a broad generalization about the seemingly ‘non-player characters’ (NPC’s, for the less hip readers) we come across in places like the pet food store or the food court at the mall.

Perhaps I’m the same, but I was jarred into consciousness by circumstance at an early age. Perhaps at birth. Because even within my own family there are NPC’s, just circumnavigating their own container… never trying to do better… but never doing bad enough to warrant a swift and brutal change.

It almost sounds blissful, even in it’s mundanity… to never know struggle because you’ve never known challenge. I’ve seen people who are really smart somehow end up in these scenarios and they ultimately destroy themselves one way or another… possibly intentionally but likely by accident. As if nothing bad ever happens, so they do bad things with impunity… until; of course, something punitive happens. Are they then brought into the consciousness that I’ve known my whole life? Where they must actually make choices and defend their actions, and learn something integral? Will they see God, perhaps? Or will God see THEM? Will they THEN become a player in the game, giving up their NPC status?

Wild shit, folks.

Part of me knows the flaws in this line of thinking.
But another part of me can’t help but think that maybe it really is that simple.

It doesn’t matter.
I mean, sure, those people matter. Their vote counts and they have rights and they exist… own real estate… what have you.
But I don’t know them, and I have no say over what they say or do.
THUS… I cannot be concerned with their lifestyles or decision-making processes, as these are things I cannot really affect.
All I can do is hope.
Hope they’re good people who treat their children and spouses well, and shovel their goddamn sidewalks.

All I can do is what I can do.

And… I’m doing some really cool stuff that I’m really excited about, but I must remain cagey in an effort to put forward “a big reveal” in the future.

What I can tell you is that – on an unrelated note – my band just approved the artwork for the album we’re releasing this year. You should get a copy for your turntable.
You should buy a turntable.

At any rate, what I can EMPHATICALLY tell you is this:

I’m in a transitional period.

in the dark

Last week I opened up about my ADHD and ASD diagnoses… so you can go ahead and anticipate some neurodivergent talk here.

It’s a hell of a thing to get diagnoses like that as a 43 year old man.

The best way I can describe this is to say that metaphorically… I’ve been feeling around in the dark for a long time.
And sneezing… for decades.
So I’m just there… navigating through the dark, thinking I’m pretty good at it… and again: sneezing – but assuming that everyone is having the same sneezing problems as me… and nobody can see what’s really happening.
Then someone turns the light on.
And suddenly I realize that MOST of the people around me had flashlights.
And the room is FULL of cats.
And I’m sneezing… and I’m realizing that everyone could see fine except for me.
And I’m the only one allergic to cats.
And now it’s all coming together and making sense.

I’ve always been good at puzzles and games.
I’m good at most things I try to do, if I’m being honest.
But that’s partly due to (a) only trying things I know I’d be good at, and (b) not allowing myself to be bad at anything.

The kicker is that those Modus Operandi are actually defense mechanisms that are cleverly disguised as brilliance and ambition… or discipline.
Don’t get me wrong… ambition and aptitude are requirements, but I have to ask myself if any of these things are truly difficult.
Now… they are, generally VERY difficult, but I still have to ask.

I have tried things that I wasn’t good at right away. We all have. But I know what I’m capable of, because I’ve been in the driver’s seat of this body for 4 decades… so I can look at a thing I don’t know how to do and logically relate it to something else I enjoy.
Often there’s only a few degrees of separation.

For example – I have a 1962 Ford Fairlane that I work on and drive in the summer months. I have the aptitude and discipline for this. I am also a proficient guitar player who’s very picky about his electric guitar sound. So, it’s not a stretch to say that I might be good at building my own guitar distortion pedals… because I understand the construction and robust requirements of a metal box that gets stepped on for dramatic effect, and I know what sounds good. I just need to understand circuits…

… so I’m learning how t understand circuits.

Not to downplay this new hobby at all, because it’s very cool, and very fun, and very rewarding, and it is artisan work… but buying a bunch of tools and components was not a risk for me, because of course I’d be good at that.

Anyway… I clearly have more questions than answers.
I appreciate you reading this.

PS… I’m building guitars pedals now.

medicated

I’ve alluded to somethings that are going on in my life that I wasn’t quite prepared to talk about because I didn’t want to put the cart before the horse; so to speak, until I had an official diagnosis to lean on… and while the wheels are in motion as I am typing this, we’re still not quite there. But, I have enough to know that I am able to share.

I thought I’d know where to start, but I don’t… so I’ll just blurt it out and then backtrack, in true neurodivergent fashion.

I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and the reason I am able to talk openly about it now is because my doctor (whom I am so very fortunate to have in this province), who DOES have the credentials to make a formal diagnosis has confirmed as much. My doctor has opted not to give me the diagnosis; however, because in order to get access to the best mental health care in the region, my diagnosis has to come from a psychiatrist – to which I have been referred.

Now, I know a lot about health and wellness. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you likely know that I dropped 166 lbs pre-covid and kept it off, and have a number of accomplishments under my belt. I’ve learned how to keep myself out of the high-risk zones, statistically speaking;and when prodded, can be a great resource to others. I train hard to this day and am in excellent physical condition for any age, let alone the age I am.

I’ve also given out some free advice about various types of medications… particularly hear meds, blood pressure meds, and the like because I am living proof that diet and exercise can keep you out of the ICU. I have very proudly been able to say that I am a 40-something year old man and I take ZERO medications. Until now.

Now, I am on medication for ADHD, and it’s been a trip, I must say.

First off, the thought that I could be misconstrued and give people the impression that I had something valid to say about ALL medications absolutely guts me. I very well may have given that impression (though I know I never spoke to brain-drugs directly in public) and if that’s the case, then I sincerely apologize. I’ve never considered myself the arbiter of mental health, so I’m certain I never said anything SPECIFICLY about brain meds… but again… if misconstrued, I apologize.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I will say that my experience on these ADHD meds has been absolutely life changing. I can say that I’ve never been so present and in the moment (shy of being on-stage with my band) in my entire life. My workouts are better, my interactions with other people are better, I’m better at my job, and I believe my songwriting and performance of my instrument has improved with my enhanced focus and my ability to tune out distractions and just think about one thing a a time.

The only downside is that since my ADHD symptoms are more within my control than ever before – my Autism symptoms are on FULL display, and it’s been eye-opening to say the least. Obviously I’m functional, but there are heavy challenges, to be sure.

I’ll get more into that in the future. This post is long enough.

I’ll sign off by saying that I’m not looking for attention. If you know anything about ASD then you can be certain of that – but I’m happy to talk and share stories with people who are similarly afflicted or respectfully curious… but… y’know… through email is fine, lol…
… maaaybe don’t go runnin’ up to me when you see me at the mall or the hardware store with earplugs and sunglasses on and unload on me with stories.
… aaand as far as email goes… if you want to send me a big long email, please know that THOSE are hard to digest. Put the important parts in bold. Maybe use a few different colors.

Much love.