Tag: art

keep digging

I’m on a bit of a spiritual journey. I guess I always have been, and it’s taken me to some uncomfortable places and some very comfortable places in my life, and the only thing I can tell you with any true affirmation is that both the good stretches and the rough stretches are temporary.

This year has been uncomfortable and amazing all at the same time. I’ve been honing a new skill and an old skill simultaneously while life throws curve-ball after curve-ball in my direction. I’ve been comforted and challenged; often simultaneously, and often from the same source, and while I don’t always know how to feel about what’s going on around me, I have learned that I am strong in ways that I’d never realized, and fragile in ways I’d never anticipated.

All that really means is that I am human, and that I am capable of change – but none of us are capable of change unless we take an active role.

This is where patience comes in… which is probably a discussion or another day.

Now, I have AuDHD (ADHD & Autism combined into one baffling diagnosis) so when I dig into a topic, I dig in real fuckin’ hard. So, in anticipation of this I refreshed my brain’s knowledge of the left hand & right hand path, the straight & narrow, Jesus’ sermon on the mount… and ultimately deep-dove into righteousness and selfishness, and if I was to sum it up into two sentences, it would look something like this:

How righteous someone is largely depends on whether or not the author – who is ALWAYS a human – felt about the intentions of the person they’ve labeled as righteous, and not whether or not righteous deeds were being done. Furthermore; many ‘righteous’ people throughout biblical history were actually heinous people who were actively doing heinous things, and the word ‘righteous’ gets unfair attention in many of those stories.

A possible 3rd sentence might be: Most of your preconceived notions about what is ‘sinful’ are likely lost in translation. At any rate, I’m of the relatively newfound opinion that a truly spiritual life ought not be guided by the culturally and regionally acceptable practices of a 2000 year old civilization, often written hundreds of years after the fact and translated by people with political and religious agendas and personal convictions.

TLDR: Jesus had some interesting and insightful things to say. It’s a shame his fan club doesn’t know what most of them are.

When I talk about spirituality, I am referring to my relationship with the rapidly deteriorating environment and the very questionable people that inhabit it. I am talking about my sense of purpose and the direction of my life and my interests. I’m talking about my questionably-wired brain and my surroundings… my artistic endeavours… my gift to humanity.

I’m currently fighting an ailment – nothing detrimental – that is affecting my artistic life.

It’s causing me to pause and reflect, and to take inventory of my blessings and my gifts, and the symbiotic relationship I have with this world. It’s stretching my empathy and my sympathy for people in similar circumstances, even though by comparison, my problem would hardly register as a problem at all.

It’s a physical strain brought on by an unfortunate set of circumstances and I’m being forced to rest and rehabilitate my wrist. It fucking sucks, but I am forced to be proactive about rest and recovery, changing habits, and allowing a level of self-care and patience that I rarely afford myself.

In short: my wrist hurts, and its affecting my guitar playing.
I won’t be a victim… but I will be my own advocate, and my own nurse when the situation calls for it, and it’s calling for it now.

How is this a spiritual challenge?
Playing guitar has been my identity for decades. Music connects me with other humans, and IS my environment of choice. How is it not a spiritual challenge?

Do I think there’s a cosmic rationale for this?
I won’t know till I’m back in full-force, so we’ll have to see how my brain and my artistry evolve through this quiet recovery time.

I ain’t done yet though.

off-days

Everyone can use a day off.
A week off sounds nice, and by ‘sounds’ nice I mean it s o u n d s nice… but when it’s a week you didn’t choose to take off, it’s frustrating.

Well, I didn’t take the week off. I just had an ‘off’ week in a couple different ways.

I had a teeth appointment on Monday morning.
And I had a bloodwork appointment on Thursday morning.
These things; in and of themselves, are fairly nothing-burger reasons to register my disgust throughout the online world, however I am DOING SOMETHING and however important that something might be to me and my autistic, routine-loving, goal-oriented lifestyle, it’s fair to say that those things are important enough.

I’m amid a level of progress with my fitness and nutrient intake that I am very concerned with knocking off the tracks, and these 2 events meant I got 3 workouts in when there should have been 5. And of COURSE other irritating things happened this week.

Tuesday, I had to take my dog to the vet – he’s fine… just an ear infection that’s clearing up nicely.
On Wednesday, I’d anticipated the arrival of a package that never came.
Y’know… basic human shit.

As much as a vet visit and an undelivered package messed with the equilibrium of my calendar, they didn’t mess with my brain the way a missed workout does. I tend to feel very undisciplined when I miss a workout. My psychological response to not being able to start the day with my intended program is to (metaphorically) throw my hands in the air and write the whole day off… I’m far more likely to stay up too late, binge-eat junk food, and ignore my macronutrient balance and overall calorie intake on a day when I miss a workout than on a regular training day.

Again, the difference between an ‘intentional rest day‘ and a ‘missed training day‘ are pretty vast, despite looking exactly the same from the outside. A missed training day feels completely fucked-up and out of sorts in the “I missed a workout so I might as well eat an entire bag of oreos and not move from the couch” sort of way. An intentional rest day is something I earned, that allows for a longer sleep, and longer dog-walk, focused energy on my personal projects, and a visit to a record store, among other things.

But I digress – these things are going to happen, and I need to make room for them at those times, because if I’d had 2 consecutive weeks of ‘4 workouts instead of 5‘ I’d be just as annoyed. And as I look at the coming months, I see only a couple or 3 days of potential interruption until Christmas time… at which point I’ll be trying to put a positive spin on all of THAT mess and derailment in this very blog.

Anyway, we can resolve to roll with the punches… or we can stand firm and get our jaw broken – but in this metaphor, either way… a punch in the face is coming for you.

In other news, you can go stream “The Future Ain’t What it Used To Be” in its entirety on whatever service you use to steal music. I’m boxing up records and mailing them out this week. Clicking that link means it’s not to late to order your copy on vinyl.

artisan

I’m more than aware of my dependence on social media as a means of connection. I don’t spend a lot of time scrolling these days because I’ve got some manual / analog projects to take my focus away from that which is… not real… mostly bullshit.

That’s not entirely true…
The not scrolling as much is true, but since I started removing superfluous rage-bait and polarizing views from my feed, and replacing those things with photos and discussions between people who are actually doing things on their own, while trying to connect with others doing the same. That helps… to be able to lend advice or help someone who is struggling to understand a concept I learned, and to similarly be provided the same from other people further down the road than me, is it’s own reward.

That might be the closest I’ve been to ‘gift without reciprocation’ in a long time, which is the ultimate act of service, really. To help someone without them really even knowing who helped them.

I digress… I am much happier when I am doing something.
Making records. Writing songs. Building guitar pedals. Writing in this blog. Beating myself up at the gym.
These things have a lot in common, not the least of which is a consistent practice.

The conversation of ‘motivation’ comes up from time to time with people, and the response is always “It’s not motivation. Motivation is a temporary fancy, and when motivation moves along, discipline takes over.” Though; if I’m being honest, sometimes discipline and stubborn persistence kinda look the same.

This coming week I have 2 different mornings where getting a workout is going to be a challenge and/or likely not happen. Byt the second one, I’ll be entering the “no! fuck you! I’m going to the gym!” phase, and I’ll be trying to finesse things so I can get 5 x 90-minute sessions in.
I’ll probably settle for 4.
3 is not something I want to do.

Beyond that is a skill level that is always building, and material knowledge that is constantly growing.

This is where I tend to think that as someone on the autism spectrum (AuDHD, if you’re interested) I am able to zero-in on the practical knowledge and learn a lot in a short period of time. However,there is a patience I have, as someone with ASD, and a patience I lack, as someone with ADHD… and my personal history will dictate that I am capable of building and following a plan, but and prone to hitting that ‘home stretch’ before running for the metaphorical finish line… where I will figuratively trip over my own shoelaces and fall on my face.

But I get back up.
And I fix it.
And I keep building.

They say you have to be “happy where you are” and as long as I am in a state of learning and growth, I am at my happiest. Problems don’t bother me much, because although I can lose patience on occasion, I know I will eventually understand how to correct any problems. I WILL get it. It WILL be okay.

This is how you get good.

the do-gooders

The conversation around authenticity and being ‘self-made’ is always an interesting one to me, and the impetus for this thought today is from 2 very important events that I think we’re probably all tuned in to, which I’ll get to in a minute.

Nobody is self-made. Every last one of us has been shaped by experience and mentorship – some of those experiences are wonderful, and some of them are absolute shit.
Those of us who find ourselves in some of the crappiest situations we can imagine are there because of poor decision making, almost exclusively related to advice we’ve received, and trauma.
Similarly, many of the most successful of us have found ourselves there because of advice we’ve received, and trauma.

But whichever the case, we are guided and manipulated; like a shiny silver pinball being batted around a tilted table until we inevitably glide past our own limited control, and the game is over. Nobody wins at pinball… you just take longer to die than someone else, and then a bunch of people gather in a room and – metaphorically speaking – take a look at your scoreboard. Some people hold all-time records…

One of the highest scores of all time is Dolly Parton… despite a tragic upbringing and constant mocking and criticism at every turn in her life, managed to amass wealth to a degree that most of us will never reach, and did so by putting love and understanding ahead of her personal feelings.

Forbes estimates her value around $500,000,000.00 at a point where she’d purchased and donated 3.5 million books for parents to read to their children, countless fortunes given through charities, and created jobs for an innumerable quantity of people who; incidentally, she’d offered to pay for their college tuition and books for anyone who wanted to further their education. She; herself, never went to college.

She quite literally couldn’t give her money away fast enough to truly rid herself of it.

She’s an outlier in times of a Donald Trump presidency, who’s waged a trade war on Canada, which is an ongoing event that you don’t need to learn of from me when you can consult actual, credible news outlet… so all I will say is that he; too, has received trauma and followed bad advice in his life.

She’s an outlier in times of Elon Musk, a man who’s intent on colonizing Mars in an effort to get away from his family trauma and bad advisors.

I’ll end that list there, because I am not interested in discussing the motives of billionaires, other than to say that Dolly Parton would have been a billionaire if she hadn’t spent so much time giving money away, though a decent amount of her time was also spent writing, as she has more than 3000 songs with her name on them currently… which is probably a bit light, since copyright laws around creative works has a long, storied history of being shady.

I’m reminded of Fred Rogers in this moment, when he recounted an experience of about seeing calamity on the news and becoming visibly upset. His mother consoled him and said “Look for the helpers. any time something bad happens, you will always find people helping.“

To say that Dolly was a helper is a massive understatement, and there are obviously many accolades I’ve left out – but you’d be hard pressed to find someone who had something bad to say about her.

It’s easy to say that these are dark times, but I maintain that if you are looking for darkness, you will find it. So be sure to take a minute and “look for the helpers…“

Maybe even be a helper.
Seems we’re short on those.

As an aside, I received an amazing number of text messages and direct messages through social media within the first 10 minutes of the announcement that Dolly Parton had passed.

I didn’t know what to do with that information when I recieved it… and in retrospect, neither did any of the people who reached out to me. We all just needed to make sure that everyone knew that
The Queen is Dead. Long Live The Queen.

For the record, I was never a superfan of her music.
It was great, and authentic, and inspired generations of people to take the world on their own terms.

Personally, I just have a couple of her records, and a lot of respect.

trials and tribulations

Every time I leave to play shows, I know there’s a certain amount of danger and uncertainty that goes with that. We don’t talk about it – but it’s there… and what is essentially a stroke of bad luck feels all-encompassing, endless, and impossible.

There’s a long list of things to be grateful for in the midst of those circumstances, but that evades us when the bill comes. The bill in this case came in the form of a transmission shop invoices totalling several thousand dollars, and was accompanied by 2 tow-truck bills and a couple extra nights in a hotel 6 hours from home.

There’s a checklist though, and it needs to be acknowledged – and in spite of the fact that there are a million little things that are frustrating, there is ONE BIG ONE:
– nobody got hurt
Really… that’s good enough, but the checklist goes on, and the next 2 concerns are:
– the payment went through
– we didn’t miss any shows

The bummer count is pretty minimal:
– I got a new nephew I had to put off meeting
– shit’s expensive

Ultimately, that’s a successful trip by many metrics. Even more successful when you account for the fact that in 30 years of doing this, I’ve never been stranded anywhere. We’re all happy & healthy as far as it goes.

My time stranded in Lethbridge, AB furnished me with a decent hotel and the ability to get some work done, I was able to get a prescription renewed, I had a guitar with me, it was probably the best weather conditions that town has had for most of the summer, and everything I needed was within walking distance except for the transmission shop where my whip was parked, and being there a couple times only cost me one cab ride. Otherwise I was chauffeured.

What’s more – the crazy situation that brought about our bass player’s wife’s gut feeling that something was amiss. She was attending an event relatively close by, decided to wander up to an area with cell reception, and worked out a plan to get us back on the road for the last show of the trip with their vehicle… it wasn’t without it’s logistical challenges, but ultimately a miraculous set of circumstances once you take a step back.

Beyond all of THAT… the ability to pay comes straight out of a strange set of circumstances around a sum of money that we received. Still not without it’s frustration and emotional turmoil… and repayment, of course – but it was possible.

Miraculous.

30 years on, and there’s still signs in the sky that we’re supposed to be doing this.

Where are we this playing week? Castle Mountain, near Pincher Creek… about an hour away from where I was stranded a few days ago.

If you see me grinnin’ (you won’t, but if you do…) it’s because I have a lucky horseshoe supplanted somewhere.

back in the black

There are seasons to everything. Except Edmonton weather, I guess. Edmonton weather has been a carnival ride with varying vomit-inducing speeds, but I guess I’ll save that line of complaining for another day.

The fall; historically speaking, ahs been the ‘back to basics’ time for me. Summer comes to an end, and the loathing associated with the malady of late nights and lazy afternoons comes into view. This is when I find myself growing weary of half-assed workouts and lazy sundays, and my thirst for personal discipline and productivity are in play.

It’s happening now.
It’s a couple weeks early, actually.

I’ve found my macro balance and am staring down my meal plans, and am formulating my workout plan for the winter, to commence Monday. There’s a lot of things I wish I had gotten to this summer, but my resentments are mostly based around the summertime and the fact that my favorite mountain bike trail has been continually washed out week after week, and I can’t complain too much as I prepare to launch my side-hustle business that I may have an artistic collaborator on. Who could be upset about that?

I’ve learned a lot this year so far, particularly pertaining to my mental health and to the mental health of the people around me. There are a lot of things that I thought about myself that are not true, and in retrospect, I was trying to convince myself were true. You can sell yourself on just about anything, for a while. Maybe forever, if you stop searching – but who wants to stop searching?

Not this cowboy.

I’m back in black in all the ways.
I’m on top.
Even making that assertion feels good. Right. Strong.
I’ve been mourning and issuing sympathy to my younger self, and as important as that is, I am now seeing that I can give grace to my younger self without letting my current self wander off-leash.
That kid needs grace… but this man needs to kick his own ass into gear.

It’s time to run miles and write songs and build circuits and lift weights.
… now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been doing those things all along – just not to the intense degree that I love. I realize that my regimen is still more disciplined and intense than most people, but this isn’t about most people. It’s about me.

Even the nights are getting longer and the days are getting shorter.
It’s cooling off.
It’s go-time.

I know I have a tendency to let things slip when I’m needed… and I don’t regret that at all. That’s part of being human, and part of community. I just wish I could return to discipline in a more effective and efficient way.

This summer has been fraught with crazy event after crazy event, but a (more) disciplined morning plan would have helped me.

As well, I only just realized that I’ve been receiving messages from this blog and just stumbled upon how to check and respond to them. There’s an embarrassing amount of correspondence over the past few years and to those who have reached out and gotten nothing back, I apologize.

Hopefully it’s not too late for the collaborations and re-posts that have been pitched to me. If you sent me a message once upon a time, and you’re still reading this blog, I’m sorry. I’ve begun replying to these incredibly overdue messages.

If you’re in Grande Prairie this weekend, I’m playing guitar at The Great Northern with Robin Kelly’s Elvis Tribute “Long Live The King” and I’ll be at Sterling Skull getting my leg colored on by Chris Rhyason, the damn coyote himself.

Stop in at the vegan bakery across the street on your way in 😉