Tag: vegan athlete

in the dark

Last week I opened up about my ADHD and ASD diagnoses… so you can go ahead and anticipate some neurodivergent talk here.

It’s a hell of a thing to get diagnoses like that as a 43 year old man.

The best way I can describe this is to say that metaphorically… I’ve been feeling around in the dark for a long time.
And sneezing… for decades.
So I’m just there… navigating through the dark, thinking I’m pretty good at it… and again: sneezing – but assuming that everyone is having the same sneezing problems as me… and nobody can see what’s really happening.
Then someone turns the light on.
And suddenly I realize that MOST of the people around me had flashlights.
And the room is FULL of cats.
And I’m sneezing… and I’m realizing that everyone could see fine except for me.
And I’m the only one allergic to cats.
And now it’s all coming together and making sense.

I’ve always been good at puzzles and games.
I’m good at most things I try to do, if I’m being honest.
But that’s partly due to (a) only trying things I know I’d be good at, and (b) not allowing myself to be bad at anything.

The kicker is that those Modus Operandi are actually defense mechanisms that are cleverly disguised as brilliance and ambition… or discipline.
Don’t get me wrong… ambition and aptitude are requirements, but I have to ask myself if any of these things are truly difficult.
Now… they are, generally VERY difficult, but I still have to ask.

I have tried things that I wasn’t good at right away. We all have. But I know what I’m capable of, because I’ve been in the driver’s seat of this body for 4 decades… so I can look at a thing I don’t know how to do and logically relate it to something else I enjoy.
Often there’s only a few degrees of separation.

For example – I have a 1962 Ford Fairlane that I work on and drive in the summer months. I have the aptitude and discipline for this. I am also a proficient guitar player who’s very picky about his electric guitar sound. So, it’s not a stretch to say that I might be good at building my own guitar distortion pedals… because I understand the construction and robust requirements of a metal box that gets stepped on for dramatic effect, and I know what sounds good. I just need to understand circuits…

… so I’m learning how t understand circuits.

Not to downplay this new hobby at all, because it’s very cool, and very fun, and very rewarding, and it is artisan work… but buying a bunch of tools and components was not a risk for me, because of course I’d be good at that.

Anyway… I clearly have more questions than answers.
I appreciate you reading this.

PS… I’m building guitars pedals now.

medicated

I’ve alluded to somethings that are going on in my life that I wasn’t quite prepared to talk about because I didn’t want to put the cart before the horse; so to speak, until I had an official diagnosis to lean on… and while the wheels are in motion as I am typing this, we’re still not quite there. But, I have enough to know that I am able to share.

I thought I’d know where to start, but I don’t… so I’ll just blurt it out and then backtrack, in true neurodivergent fashion.

I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and the reason I am able to talk openly about it now is because my doctor (whom I am so very fortunate to have in this province), who DOES have the credentials to make a formal diagnosis has confirmed as much. My doctor has opted not to give me the diagnosis; however, because in order to get access to the best mental health care in the region, my diagnosis has to come from a psychiatrist – to which I have been referred.

Now, I know a lot about health and wellness. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you likely know that I dropped 166 lbs pre-covid and kept it off, and have a number of accomplishments under my belt. I’ve learned how to keep myself out of the high-risk zones, statistically speaking;and when prodded, can be a great resource to others. I train hard to this day and am in excellent physical condition for any age, let alone the age I am.

I’ve also given out some free advice about various types of medications… particularly hear meds, blood pressure meds, and the like because I am living proof that diet and exercise can keep you out of the ICU. I have very proudly been able to say that I am a 40-something year old man and I take ZERO medications. Until now.

Now, I am on medication for ADHD, and it’s been a trip, I must say.

First off, the thought that I could be misconstrued and give people the impression that I had something valid to say about ALL medications absolutely guts me. I very well may have given that impression (though I know I never spoke to brain-drugs directly in public) and if that’s the case, then I sincerely apologize. I’ve never considered myself the arbiter of mental health, so I’m certain I never said anything SPECIFICLY about brain meds… but again… if misconstrued, I apologize.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I will say that my experience on these ADHD meds has been absolutely life changing. I can say that I’ve never been so present and in the moment (shy of being on-stage with my band) in my entire life. My workouts are better, my interactions with other people are better, I’m better at my job, and I believe my songwriting and performance of my instrument has improved with my enhanced focus and my ability to tune out distractions and just think about one thing a a time.

The only downside is that since my ADHD symptoms are more within my control than ever before – my Autism symptoms are on FULL display, and it’s been eye-opening to say the least. Obviously I’m functional, but there are heavy challenges, to be sure.

I’ll get more into that in the future. This post is long enough.

I’ll sign off by saying that I’m not looking for attention. If you know anything about ASD then you can be certain of that – but I’m happy to talk and share stories with people who are similarly afflicted or respectfully curious… but… y’know… through email is fine, lol…
… maaaybe don’t go runnin’ up to me when you see me at the mall or the hardware store with earplugs and sunglasses on and unload on me with stories.
… aaand as far as email goes… if you want to send me a big long email, please know that THOSE are hard to digest. Put the important parts in bold. Maybe use a few different colors.

Much love.

consistency

Spring is coming and I can feel it. I’ve done a very good job of staying consistent with training indoors through the summer months but I am very keen to get into the river valley and do some running and biking.

Before long I’ll have my summer tour schedule and I’ll know if & when I can race this summer. I might be too busy again this year but I guess we’ll see what shakes out. I do have a new album to promote and the summers are short and fraught with festivals in this part of the world.

I’ve been running between 45 and 60 minutes per day, 5 days per week – followed by a 30-45 minute weight session. Naturally that’ll have to change a bit once the snow melts and I’m back outside, but realistically it’ll be the May Long Weekend before I’m really digging into Edmonton’s river valley. It stays pretty cold and icy down there for a long time under the shade of all those trees, so realistically I have a quarter of the year to go before it really matters.

In the meantime… consistency is key. But progressive consistency…

My goals in the next few months are to extend my running intervals and shorten my walking intervals. Part of my desire to extend running intervals stems from a desire to get on the stationary bike more than I have been, as well as getting into the pool now for a bit before I find myself in the tattoo chair again, which pulls me out of the water for a while each time. With my weightlifting, I’m already going to failure on the final set of each exercise. The next step is progressive loading, which I am doing a bit of already as well.

I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself.

Often I will devise a new plan for the future, and then say “why wait” and dive into a new routine, but I’m really trying to ride this out so that when I do change, it’s an appropriate shock to my system. I aim to change my diet a bit once we’re into a season where food grows, as food that grows on trees and bushes is rather important when you’re vegan.

I’ve been learning that this fitness routine and priority is of great advantage to me in my newfound condition. Not that my condition is new, but the knowledge of it is rather new to me. I’ll be speaking on that more in the future, as I’m still just wrapping my head around it, but as it turns out – healthy diet and regular exercise remains very important for those who are fortunate enough to be able to do it.

Before you speculate on my condition, please know that I am happy to have it, as it’s part of who I am. The only thing new or startling about it is that I wasn’t aware of it before, but at this stage of my life where I’m implemented so much positive change, I’m ready to take on this new thing in a positive light. It’s certainly not as scary as it would have been 10 years ago.

… only a little scary.
More on that later.

Thanks for reading.

mixed bag

In all honesty, I have been quietly considering stopping this blog.

Not because I didn’t have anything worth talking about, but because everything I’ve been doing has been sort of… mechanical. Not mechanical in the sense that it’s emotionless or straightforward, but I’ve literally just been doing the “work” part of my art for a while.

I have been creating… so, it’s not that.

I’ve been recording songs with my band for months at this point. This is where all the creativity becomes tangible, and as much as it IS creative work, it’s also a realization of things we’ve already created. It’s a difficult thing to blog about because the process takes some real time to accomplish.

It’s a mechanical process in a lot of ways.

I’ve also been writing quite a bit. Also a difficult thing to specifically talk about for a big pile of reasons without sharing what I’ve been writing. I suppose I’m not averse to that, but it would lack context at this point.

I’ve been learning how to create guitar pedals.

Again… a difficult thing to talk about directly without getting into the weeds. It inspires creativity, but is very mechanical in it’s execution. If one is proverbially supposed to walk before they metaphorically run, then I am figuratively crawling right now.

I’m training, but not for any particular event.

It’s hard to discuss training for an event that doesn’t exist just yet. I’ve got my eye on a race or two that I’d like to run, but it’s difficult to know if I’ll be able to participate before knowing what my performance schedule for the summer is. Though… I’m sure to do some fitness blogging soon.

So; that, too, is a bit mechanical.

And then spiritually…

Well, I won’t say I’m at a stand-still spiritually… but this time of year, by spirituality is strained because I live in Canada and my spiritual connection to nature is on an extended pause.

HOWEVER… I have been on a bit of a journey of self discovery that includes seeking out some professional help in assessing my modus operandi and what makes me tick; upstairs, and it’s been a wild ride so far. I’m not sure how it relates to me on a spiritual level other than the fact that I am a spiritual person who’s going through some stuff… but I guess we’ll see! It’s been really insightful and special, but there have been some definite times of absolute suckdom, if I may be so bold as to invent a word for it.

Again… not something I can really dig into until I have a formal diagnosis but I’ve certainly been challenged, and overwhelmed, and enlightened, and I’m certain that there is some meaningful writing coming around the bend.

So please stay with me as I gradually get to a place where I can be more open about what’s been happening… because it’s a lot.

full plate

This is a time of year I have a lot on the go.

With the turning of the year behind us comes doctor’s appointments and dentist appointments… then there’s festival booking schedules, photo shoots, the planning of a release party for a new album, and the time and money spent making that album become a physical product… it’s also a rather busy time at work gearing up for the fiscal year end, which is a significant part of my day-job and involves some travel. I’m also anticipating some life changes for some people in my family, including my daughter who becomes a legal adult and has just been accepted to the University of her choice.

It’s also Valentine’s Day today… but I won’t dig too far into that.

I’m also still recording. We don’t talk about it widely because it’s such a long process, but as we Confusionaires prepare to release an album this year, we’re also embarking on recording an album to be released next year… or whenever it suits us, really. We’d really like to have one in the chamber ready to release if and when the time is right. If this year’s album creates a lot of attention for us, we want to be ready to follow it up and would really rather that unpreparedness not be a factor.

It’s important to handle the self care in the midst of it all though.

It’s a hard time of year for those of us who have mental health difficulties, so as a baseline there’s a daily regimen of physical activity, nutrient-dense diet, and a decent amount of sleep; decent sleep being the hardest of the trifecta to implement.

And as much as life is happening and things are moving forward in all aspects, I still feel like I’m waiting for the finish line to come to ME in some ways. Anticipating a referral call… Anticipating appointments… anticipating deliveries…

To say I feel helpless would be a BIG stretch… as big as the stretch my great dane gives up when he climbs off the couch after a day of snoozing… but patience is certainly a virtue that is escaping me at the moment.

I’ll be okay.
I always am.

Oh, and uhh… Happy Valentine’s Day.
It’s not every day that we get wrapped up in the sentimental nature of a holiday invented by retail companies. Try and enjoy it!

outlets

I’ve recently taken on a new project, and a direction of learning I’ve never spent any time with before. It’s a wild trip, if I’m being honest. I purchased an online course during boxing week and it’s likely the closest thing to a New Year’s Resolution I’ve ever done… though the timing is somewhat coincidental.

I’ve decided to dig in on Brian Wampler’s guitar pedal building course, which is a very thorough and fairly in-depth way of learning all the ins & outs (HA!) of guitar pedal building.

I’ve long been frustrated with the availability of things I need in order to accomplish what I want to accomplish as a performer. I have a number of great pieces of equipment I’ve acquired over the years but there is a piece of the guitar effects market that; I feel, anyway, is largely ignored. I can’t be certain that there’s a market for what I’m hoping to accomplish once I attain the knowledge I’m setting out to find, but it’s quite possible that there is. I’m hesitant to get into what that is in the event that this does turn into some measure of side-hustle but there are some things I know about myself that are definitely helpful here:

  • I am really good at playing guitar
  • I am really good at getting sounds I am happy with
  • I have an intense level of focus
  • I have an artistic vision

But… if all I end up doing is building things for myself then I honestly think I’ll be happy with that… but you never know how things will go until they go. Anyway, it’s very exciting and extremely nerdy and I’m happy to have this new direction of learning.

If you tuned in to this blog from some spiritually-driven snack, and feel like you’ve been denied that, don’t worry… I’m not done yet.

It might sound a little bonkers, but this is truly something that aligns with me spiritually and is truly helping me navigate the prairie winter months. When I am immersed in this, it can only happen in real time… it’s an incredible experience where I am not thinking about food, or work, or anything except for what’s in front of me. It’s an incredibly meditative (active meditation, obviously) and grounding (HA!) experience that seems to tie me to the present moment in a special way.

Sure, I have other things in my life that offer that level of detachment from the world around me, but the way my brain seems to thrive is to have a few options to alternate through – songwriting and composition, recording, performing, my vintage automotive pursuits, and now this new exercise – all provide me with a break from my distractions and put me into a moment where I can completely lose track of time and just create.

It’s thrilling.

another spin

I suppose it’s that time now.

If I’m being completely frank, I’m entirely satisfied that the interruption of my regularly scheduled food regimen and workout schedule is coming to an end. The holiday hours at my gym are less than ideal and at the risk of sounding like a total grinch, the notion that Christmas is ONE SINGLE DAY that seems to infringe upon us from December 20th until about January 3rd is irritating.

I like Christmas. Don’t get me wrong… but I feel like I am one of the few that acknowledges that traditionally, Christmas Eve is the day that a family would go out and cut down some unsuspecting sapling, then on Christmas morning the kind would open their (singular) present, and play with their newfound toy until dinner was ready. Boxing day is a tradition by which leftover food would be ‘boxed up’ and taken to the cornerstone of every community – the church – where the less fortunate folks go go enjoy a meal of leftovers…

… and that’s ultimately it.

What my brain knows about this holiday season, and what my credit card statement knows about this holiday season, are vastly different. My credit card statement’s knowledge of the history of christmas only goes back about 30 days.

It’s fine. I’m happy everyone had a nice christmas, and honestly, I had a nice Christmas.

I don’t live to work out. Nor do I live to eat.
I eat and workout to live.
And taking breaks is an important part of living.

But… now it’s time to get back into my regularly regimented program of eating nutrient-dense food and beating the absolute shit out of myself at the gym. My goals for the new year haven’t really changed much. My athletic goals are an augmented update of the previous year, and my artistic goals are an augmented update of the previous year… and with each passing year those things are more and more important.

My goals need to be steady, really. I’ve got a teenager in my house who is going to finish high school, become a legal adult, and enroll in a post-secondary program that will set her up in a better way than I ever was. Ultimately, I’ll be riding shotgun for those huge steps in amongst my own smaller old man steps.

I’m lucky I get to do that.
I’m stoked for it.
I’m sure you’ll get to read about some of it.

Happy new year, y’all.
All the best in 2026!