artisan – The Conscious Pilgrim

father to the thought

There’s an old saying; maybe it’s a proverb, “The wish is father to the thought” that crosses my mind sometimes. Particularly around this time of year when people talk about ‘Christmas wishes’ and ‘New Years Resolutions’ – neither of which mean much to me, personally. I’ve written a few times over the years about how September is the beginning of the year for me (and I think most people) but for anyone new to this corner of the internet, I’ll sum it up by saying “I’m a big fan of making changes when they need to be made… rather than waiting for some special day on the calendar” though I’ll concede that some dates are special.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life wishing things were better while doing precisely nothing about it and wondering why things weren’t getting better despite my lack of effort. Then at 37 years old I started putting one foot in front of the other, resulting in losing 166 lbs, starting this blog, and taking my art seriously, and just generally doing a good job – even when doing things I hated. These things all resulted in a better and more fruitful life – but they also resulted in an adjustment of my sights, which made for more wishing… which made for more thoughtful execution.

So, I still wish for things. I just have better follow-through now.

I’ve developed a plan for things that I’m reluctant to talk about at this time, but I’ve taken on a long-term goal-oriented project that I’m creating the time for in my life. I’ll admit that it’s an artistic goal, and that I’ve been laying the groundwork for it for some time now, by way of proliferating artworks and other songs “ahead of a schedule.” When I say “ahead of schedule” I mean that there’s a certain timeline-oriented expectation for creative works with my rock & roll band, and due to our own efficient execution of things, we’re in a position where we can take on this ‘side quest‘ (for lack of a better term).

It’s something we’ve been talking about as a band for some time, and we’re putting it into motion now. It’s exciting, but it probably won’t see the light of day for a couple years.

But… it started with a wish.
And it developed into a pie-in-the-sky dream that we’re determined to see come to fruition.

I genuinely hope you still have wishes, and that you can muster up the gumption to make them happen. Following your dreams, no matter how big or small they might be, is a full-time commitment and a ton of work – and for most of us, it tends to have to happen in the off-hours when you’re burnt out from working too much, when you haven’t slept well, and you’re poorly nourished. it’s a true exercise in fortitude but nobody is going to do it for you.

It’s hard, and anyone who tells you it’s not hard is trying to sell you something.

So, I hope you don’t wait for it to happen – coax it out and help it along, and it will repay you with the energy you need to keep going.

more of more

I’m emerging from one of the busiest times of my year right now. Between the year-end for the company I work for, personal & business taxes, festival applications, grant applications, tour dates, meetings… and a bunch of stuff I’m likely forgetting to mention pertaining to normal family life – let’s just say, I’m happy to be typing a blog entry right now.

The truth of the matter is, I love it. I am fully immersed in things I am happy to be a part of and although I could use some downtime, I could use more purpose-driven effort in my life. Perhaps that’s why I’m currently revamping my workout & diet and forging ahead into new territories of physical exhaustion.

The dream for every artist is to supplant themselves into a world of art production without skipping a beat when it comes to their pocketbook, and I’m not different. Who wouldn’t want to play guitar and write songs about what matters to them and completely replace their 9-5 job, maybe even do a little better? There’s no question, and I think any artist who doesn’t cop to that probably isn’t really an artist – but there’s a mountain to climb between here & there.

We don’t get to walk off the job and walk into a comparable pay rate (or better) of self-employment without first tackling the prospect of doing both at the same time and keeping everyone happy in the process. That’s right – I work 2 full time jobs… maybe 3, honestly. So does every serious artist you know. I think most of the people who use terms like ‘grinding’ and ‘hustling’ really have no concept of what those words mean, because if they did, they wouldn’t have time to tell people how hard they’re grinding.

But I’m not here to measure dicks so much as I am here to tell you that I love this. I can’t be concerned with what anyone else is doing when they’re ‘grinding’ because the more attention I pay to that, the more likely I am to drop the ball for myself and my band.

I don’t love being busy.
I love having a purpose, and seeing that purpose through. It’s when I’m in the mud like I have been for the past 4 months that I need to remind myself how grateful I am to do what I do to the degree I am doing it, all the while knowing that it’s a progressive movement and it will become more intense as time moves on.

I’ve come to understand that “The joy you find on the summit of Mount Everest is the joy you brought with you” so I don’t think you’ll find me complaining anytime soon.

There wouldn’t be any purpose to it, because I’ve chosen this.

high powered

The community I’ve joined to help me contend with my brain’s propensity for malfunction requires the acknowledgement of a higher power. This is not foreign to me, given my churchy upbringing, and it’s not a far stretch to acknowledge that I am not the most powerful force in the universe.

As I’ve cited more than once – if I am the most powerful entity, and this whole societal simulation is loaded for me and me alone (narcissistic as that sounds), and I am ALSO unable to control myself around a box of donuts, then by definition, that box of donuts is the highest power.

And that’s fine. What I have is more powerful than all the powdered sugar in the free world, but I struggle to name it. God feels funny, as that term feels like it’s spoken for already, and The Universe feels a bit unspecific. Terms like ‘Great Spirit’ don’t feel like they’re mine to use, and most other terms feel ingenuine or dismissive in their lack of power.

“God” is an obvious placeholder, I guess.

Biblically, God famously said “I am the great I am” which tracks well for me, as I do like the idea of God being within all of us, whether he was invited in or not. It aligns with other phrases I’ve heard that I identify with, such as “you are the one you are waiting for” among other introspective and possibly cliche sayings.

In recovery, I was told to essentially make up a God. I think that’s funny as I type it, but I also think that making him up is what makes him real. I believe that Odin exists because the Norsemen decided he should, and that’s that. It would be difficult for me to say he’s not real at his point, as a person who can and does sit down with a pen and a notebook and conjures a song into existence when moments before, there was no song. Any artist does this, really… I mean, how many brush strokes does it take to turn a canvas into a painting? I digress…

The prospect of being made in God’s image is also of interest to me. First off it tells me that The Creator made me a creator. It also indicates – and this will piss a few people off, I’m sure – that God almost certainly has darkness in him, as he has certainly created some dark things for us to dwell on, as well as dark forces that keep things in balance… and really, that’s fine.

There’s an element of selfishness in any good deed done that I think needs to be acknowledged – not to the point that we should relish in taking selfies of ourselves giving money to homeless people or anything particularly brazen, but just the fact that it feels good to do good. It might not be conscious in the moment, but when I pull over on the shoulder to help some stranger change a flat tire, or I boost a coworker’s car, or drop some of my girlfriend’s baking in the lunch room at work, it feels good to know that these things are appreciated to the point that I’d be inclined to do it again because I felt some reward. This is in it’s very nature, selfish.
It feels even better to do something for a stranger.
But can you, or I, do a truly great deed for a total stranger and never have them find out who it was? Would we be able to contain that level of joy in ourselves, realizing of course that to share the experience would only accentuate the selfish act?

Really, if doing good things for people didn’t feel good, we’d have wiped our species off the planet eons ago.

So even at our absolute best there’s a darkness inherit in our actions. I write songs and share them with as many people as I can but I want the credit for the craft… I’m happy to help someone reach their goals but it works best on my timeline, and if I feel truly appreciated. Even for someone to beat the odds of surviving a serious health diagnosis means that a lot of people have to get hurt or killed by the same ailment in order for that story to be noteworthy.

These are things we cannot control, and yet we celebrate them. That doesn’t make these things any less special for the recipient of a good deed, nor should the fractionally selfish component of doing a good deed prevent us from helping one another. As far as biblical text goes, God created Satan, and Satan didn’t create anything… and when Satan was cast out of Heaven, he was not cast into Hell. He was cast down to earth.

I’m rambling.

All that to say – if we are truly made in God’s perfect image, then it’s worth entertaining the idea that our flaws are by design, and that the balance of the universe is far too complex for any of us to ever understand… so we have to take God on our own terms.

So I am searching for balance, I suppose.
Light means little without the prospect of darkness, and vice versa.
Same with happy & sad.
Sunny days don’t mean anything without the threat of rain… and to further push the metaphor, crops need both. People need both.

So I won’t let the dark parts of me take over completely, nor will I ignore it completely and be happy-go-lucky all the time… both versions are balanced.

sabotage

I can’t stand it, I know ya’ planned it…

For someone who’s spent more than his fair share of time sabotaging himself, I certainly had a smug and mired view of the people around me doing the same. My lack of experience (something I can’t blame myself for) and lack of self awareness (something I can blame myself for) allowed me to hear people say things like “I just need a drink to calm my nerves” and think “that’s so cliche – they’re just doing that because they heard somewhere that they should” without ever realizing that I was; in fact wrong, and that really what they were doing was giving themselves an excuse to drink that had nothing to do with the calming of the nerves at all, and everything to do with justifying the remedy.

I’m not here to pick on drinkers so much as I am here to expose my lack of awareness.

I come from a community; a scene, if you will, that was largely populated with GenX’ers and although I am technically not one, I was certainly born during a strange time between the GenXer’s and Millennials that allowed me to plant one foot in each camp – both fairly nihilistic for different reasons. This scene was special in many ways, but it was not unique in it’s collective attitude towards commercial success. The idea of ‘selling out’ was ultimately tantamount to treason, and I believe that my need to belong prevented me from pursuing a level of success that I believe I always had the chops to achieve. Many of us did, but many of us talked ourselves out of it. Now, at 41 years old I am chasing my teenage dreams once again… but that’s probably a topic for another day.

A stronger version of myself might have told all of those people to kick rocks, but I wasn’t that. I was me, for better or worse. And honestly I’ve been sabotaging myself for decades – this is just the most friendly, and possibly pivotal example of it.

This all does lend itself to a fear I developed, or maybe always had. Hell, maybe all of us had it – the fear of success. We’re all aware of the concept of fear of failure and the workoholism that tends to follow suit, but fear of success is much, much stronger and far less often acknowledged.

What if I succeed and I have to keep doing this?
What if I become known for the wrong thing?
Imposter syndrome often follows, with “what if they find out I’m actually not remarkable?”

As a musician, the thought of both alienating my old-school, cool fans while simultaneously not being able to sell what I’m doing to a larger part of the populous meant living in “insincere loser purgatory” for what could be the rest of my life. My personal concerns included:

not being punk enough for punk rock fans
not being pop enough for the pop crowd
not being heavy enough for the rock/metal crowd
not being a good enough guitar player for the guitar geeks
not being interesting enough to be interviewed… or handsome
What if I never write another song?
What if I actually suck, and nobody is telling me?

It devolves into an embarrassing series of notions from there, I assure you. This line of resistant thought kept me starting and cratering bands every few years for a couple decades… except for the ‘what if I never write another song?’ which kept me pen-in-hand and riffing constantly for my whole life.

I’ve released over 125 songs in 8 different bands, have co-written singles, and have composed music for commissioned works, as well as writing my own parts for a couple hundred songs on other people’s recordings and/or performances… and wondered if I had what it takes to be a consistent, solid, good musician pretty much the whole time.

In the end, I tend to think that these types of failures of self; for lack of a better term, come down to manifestation. We speak hard things over ourselves, and we receive them. We also say enough contrarian shit about ourselves and we’ll inevitably start to believe it – and we do that because it’s EASIER to say “I could have accomplished ______” than it is to actually set our sights on something and go for it.

If I have anything to bestow on anyone who read all the way to the end of this, it’s that (a) it’s okay to daydream, and you should do it without remorse or embarrassment, and (b) be kind to yourself, even when you don’t want to.

a.i. art

“Art echoes the human experience, so for someone to even refer to A.I. generated images or sounds as ‘art’ is a minor pet peeve. Any A.I. generated music is likely to be prompted with profit in mind, rather than quality – so my career as a twangy rock & roll recording artist is no more in jeopardy from A.I. than it is from any blossoming DJ remixing top 40 hits in the same year as my next release – it doesn’t even register as a blip on the screen. “

Beyond everyone’s dystopic fears of being enslaved by robots, there are several much more nuanced conversation about A.I. that can be had in the here & now – because no matter how you feel about it, A.I. is happening. The only portion of this conversation I feel remotely qualified to have is that around art.

People are worried; as they have a right to be, that A.I. is changing the landscape of what can be defined as art and what a piece of art might cost, and I think before we take the hair-on-fire reaction to something we don’t fully understand, we’re going to have to acknowledge a few glaring problems within this industry. As I go through this I’ll be toggling between a few different kinds of art.

The first of which; is that most people can’t afford to purchase original art. The glaring example is that The Mona Lisa; owned by The Louvre Museum in Paris, France, is essentially priceless. It’s hypothetically worth more than a billion dollars, but it’s not for sale regardless – this does not prevent me from purchasing a beach towel or a pair of socks with the image printed on it for a much more manageable price tag. I enjoy the licensing of that image, essentially for free.

I own printed copies of original artwork, still in support of the artist, purchased from the artist for a fraction of what a commissioned piece would cost. Many of us do, so the argument of ‘the original article’ vs ‘a reasonable facsimile’ is best left to people with an actual art budget.

Similarly, if I want to hear Bruce Springsteen sing ‘Hungry Heart’ it’s going to cost me a few hundred bucks, an evening, and I’m going to have to wait for the luxury. If I’m willing to settle for a cover band’s rendition of it, I’ll save more than a few bucks.

That’s all from a consumer’s standpoint. As an songwriter and recording artist, myself, I have to say that the entire world has been “getting the milk for free” for a long time without ever worrying about the price of the cow. I truly believe that we should all be able to subside and thrive off of the fruits of our artistic labor, but in the same breath I have to say that if you are making music or making art specifically for notoriety or financial gain, that you’d be better off picking up a part-time job at 7-11.

I make music because it’s in me to make. I’m not sure I really have a choice in the matter – and yes, what I do has value, and I am compensated for my efforts when I perform – but streaming revenues are not something that an artist like me banks on, but it seems to be the price of trying.

Art echoes the human experience, so for someone to even refer to A.I. generated images or sounds as ‘art’ is a minor pet peeve. Any A.I. generated music is likely to be prompted with profit in mind, rather than quality – so my career as a twangy rock & roll recording artist is no more in jeopardy from A.I. than it is from any blossoming DJ remixing top 40 hits in the same year as my next release – it doesn’t even register as a blip on the screen. As a matter of fact, the original version of the aforementioned top 40 hit didn’t register a blip, either, as it was more than likely pieced together in a board room in Sweden by a handful of men led by Max Martin or one of his disciples who specialize in turning note intervals into dollar signs.

… and if Max Martin loses his job to A.I., I have a feeling he won’t be on the bread line any time soon. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he’s already using it to make his life easier.

My thoughts drift to my subtle awareness of how the diamond industry works. Aside from the hellscape that is the Blood Diamond trade, I learned a while back that in the golden age of diamond mining, the pursuit was ‘the perfect diamond’ meaning of course that it had no; or at least very few, flaws. That is until the advent of the cubic zirconia, which is a synthetic compound with an equally stunning appearance that served to crater the notion of mining the perfect diamond, and the end result was an increased valuation on diamonds that were previously considered less valuable due to their flaws. This is because the presence of flaws made for easier certification of real diamonds. Clearly, the diamond industry has it’s problems.

This is analogous to the music industry in a number of ways. With the advent of most advances in recording technology, there have been people who push against it, arguing that the integrity of the craft is being lost – but there are flocks of music fans who go out of their way to see live music in all it’s imperfections, as well as purchase live albums, and seek out ‘gritty’ and ‘raw’ recordings because they feel more ‘real.’ With the undoubted flawless execution of music works performed by A.I. there’s little doubt in my mind that the number of people looking for the humanity in their music and art will only grow larger.

In the end… writers will probably take the biggest hit from this. Copywriters, translators (if there are any left), editors, some journalists I’m sure… but the greatest artistic works will continue to be the echoes of lived experience, which is something A.I. can never profess to have.

In the end, I guess you can go ahead and make all the A.I. generated “art” you want… just don’t expect me to pay for it.

Frankly, I’d be more interested to hear that A.I. has taken on the menial tasks of humanity – all the toilet scrubbing & burger flipping – for free, so we can be free to create more art than ever.

purpose driven

“I live in a mindset of prosperity, so I see prosperity – and I am truly happy doing what I’m doing. When I lived in a negative space, all I saw was negativity.”

I’ve made more than a few changes in my life in the past couple of years, and it’s paid off in more than a few ways. I’ll preface this blog entry by stating that I’m not here to tell anyone to stop being concerned with the money flowing in & out o their home, because I’m not only unqualified to do so, but I’m also not naïve nor am I independently wealthy. Money is energy – and you’re gonna need some in order to get done what you intend to do.

As an artist and an entrepreneur, I have the distinct pleasure of knowing that my output has value, and when that translates into dollars & cents I know what to ask for and what to deliver.

However, I will say that once my primary motivation stopped just being money, I was able to monitor growth in a much more fascinating way. There are some things you can’t buy because they are worth more than money. These are things like integrity, effectiveness, positivity, reputation… the types of things that only come from consistent diligence.

My band and I work with a business manager to grow our business, and we’ve made some steps that feel more like bounding leaps than steps – intelligent decisions that have ensured a reputation of quality. We’ve also received opportunities that never would have come our way without a soft-hearted, neighborly approach, such as offering a place to stay to an old friend traveling through our home town after some accommodations fell through. It might not sound like much, but it meant a lot to the recipient – so much so that this friend helped us accomplish something we otherwise would not have.

The steps that led to us being ready for that were gradual and calculated, and the timing was fantastic. If our proposed album release date for our new album (that we’ve just opened preorders for) was 6 months later or 6 months earlier, it wouldn’t have worked out. 6 months earlier would have been too quick, and 6 months later might have been just enough time that we would have seconded guessed following up and securing this arrangement.

One of the aforementioned steps involved a drastic change to my scheduled activities, to spend more time as an artist, and less time as someone else’s employee – a strange move for a 40 year old man in the wake of a 2.5 year global pandemic, but the right move for me nonetheless.

Now, to stop myself from telling any more of this story in the reverse order in which it happened, I’ll say that to be driven by purpose rather than to be driven my something as fleeting as money has enriched my life more than you could ever know. My family and my rock & roll band are better for it, my artistic output is of a higher caliber and travels further and is heard by more ears as a result of it, and my life is inexplicably full in response to it.

I live in a mindset of prosperity, so I see prosperity – and I am truly happy doing what I’m doing. When I lived in a negative space, all I saw was negativity. Sure, there are hard days and stressful days, but I was going to have those anyway – and if there’s been a resounding message coming at me from all angles over the past while, it’s this:

You don’t get what you want. You get what you are.

I hope to encourage anyone feeling the negative side of these dark, cold January days to push yourself to be in a mindset of prosperity and purpose, and spend less time with your head in those dark spaces. If you truly want to change your life, start with your perspective – anything else that needs to change will follow in it’s own time.

I won’t say it’s easy, but I will say it’s worth it.

I will also say that it would be remiss of me to not provide an avenue to support what I’m doing in a tangible way, especially after this particular story, so I’ll post this link: https://confusionaires.bandcamp.com/album/westernization-2023 so that if you like the small sample of the album that’s posted here, you might go a step further and secure a copy. I don’t want to pressure anyone into buying anything – I only want to sell you this if you think you will love it.

My blood, sweat, and tears are in this record and if you appreciate the writing and sharing I do in this blog, you may also appreciate the content of these songs.

Training this week has been good. Last Saturday’s workout was at a Planet Fitness in Grande Prairie. I won’t say I loved the facility for myself, but I did love the vibe and level of accessibility it provides to the community around it. I think I tend to go for “a bit less flash and a bit more smash” if I may put it so succinctly. Monday, Lu and I opted for an extra day of rest after a particularly intense weekend for a couple of reasons. I had taken the day off, which allowed to rest to a degree we haven’t been able to since before the holidays, so we took that opportunity. Tuesday followed with some weightlifting, Thursday & Saturday with Zone 2 cardio, and Friday with a run & more weights.

I’ve been awaiting a decision (as well as some inevitable hoops to jump through) in regards to a work place opportunity, and the focus on fitness and the intense level at which my artistic life is operating right now has been a welcome opportunity to stay in the moment – but at the same time, I do feel like I’m waiting on someone else’s schedule for something, which I don’t love.

The crazy part is that it’s actually a pretty serious fork in the road. I either (a) further indenture myself to the company I work for, or I (b) seek opportunity elsewhere. Not out of spite, just for the sheer fact that if I have hit the ceiling of what they see in me, then I must seek opportunity elsewhere. I’d never tell them that for fear that it would sound like an ultimatum – but I really don’t think they read this blog, and I’m being vague intentionally.

It’s strange, but I’m not married to either outcome despite how strong the motions that will follow will be.

C’est la vie.