… or something. That title’s a joke. Hopefully you get it.
Perception is a funny thing… especially as someone on the multiple neuro-specrtra. I will see things a certain way until I don’t, and the best way I can describe it is to say it’s like feeling around in the dark.
If you’re feeling around in the dark, you can get to understanding a room reasonably well. It’s a little rough at first, but you can deduce that certain structures are at specific, and consistent distances from the door. You can be sure that there are things hanging on the walls – probably decorative – and you can judge from memory what certain objects feel like.
Then someone hands you a flashlight, and not only can you confirm some of what you already knew, but you can also see the colossal mess you made trying to figure out the confines and contents of the room… every spilled liquid, every dirty handprint, knocked over houseplants, things you moved intentionally and unintentionally – and you find out that you’ve made a great big mess of things… in the name of progress, of course, but a mess, regardless. And the longer you were feeling around in the dark, the bigger the mess might be.
Well, I was in the dark for 43 years.
Fair to say I messed a few things up along the way.
And now – metaphorically speaking – I’ve got a flashlight, by way of ADHD medication and it certainly puts my ADHD on a shorter leash… but that shorter leash allows the ASD to roam more freely.
Anyway, I’m trying to straighten things up.
One thing I’ve learned – particularly over last weekend, which was VERY social for me – is that people actually do want to talk to me. And you know what I tell them? Insane shit. I’ve had the luxury of allowing a bunch of people a peek behind the curtain and their reactions have been really cool and supportive. They’ve paid me compliments that I wouldn’t have been able to accept a year ago. It was wild. I just… let them.
I let them tell me what they appreciate about me, about my self promotion, about my (apparent) mastery of social media promotion and genuine interest in my sound-sculpting circuits, and songwriting, and my ideas about researching specific musical composition styles in an effort to intentionally sculpt music.
It was weird because I usually try and shut that shit down post-haste, but since I was talking to a good number of people that I genuinely respect and admire for their artistry, I really just wanted to hear what they had to say… and what they had to say was very nice.
I was humbled and honoured.
Don’t worry… I won’t let it go to my head.
But I will let it go to my art.
All that said… a tattoo, a sold-out rock & roll show (not my band), a birthday gathering, and the documentary movie premier for “More Miles Than Money: The story of jr Gone Wild” wherein I knew most of the people in attendance was A LOT of stimulation. At any rate, it was a pleasure to get some insight into how I am perceived, and to tell people how I perceive and appreciate them.
I vaselate though… I’m a firm believer what what people think of me is none of my business, but I ALSO think that allowing people to support and love each other is crucial to the growth and development of the species AND the individual. We are social creatures.
I guess life is short.
I don’t want to hold back on anyone anymore.
If I love what someone is doing then I would like to breathe love into their lives.
And… I don’t have to love what they’re doing to understand that it’s important, or good.
Similarly, if someone is hurting people, or being abusive… I don’t want to hold back on them either.
Maybe they’re feeling around in the dark, too.
Maybe they want to do better… or… Maybe they don’t.
Either way, they deserve the opportunity to change, grow, improve… redemption should be available to all of us.
But if they want to keep rolling over people for their own satisfaction…
… fuck ’em.
What can I say?
I’m an agent of karma, I guess.
