suffering from righteousness

I don’t get into worldly politics on here much, and I’m not going to start now for the simple fact that these are subject far too broad and far too deep to chock up to left vs right. That said, I’m sure you can gather from the hippy-dippy undertones of what I like to write about, in tandem with my arts background, penchant for animal rights, and various other indicators that my preferences lie more on the side what’s best for the group rather than what’s best for the individual.

That said, we can all be greedy. Greed may be one of the few things you can really count on in this day & age, because when someone is greedy, they are somewhat predictable.

When a war is declared over resource… oil, for example – we can anticipate that the aggressor is going to be very careful in their attack, in an effort to not destroy what they are after. Therefor, there are safe places for vulnerable people to seek refuge – near the refineries and storage facilities, in this case. Once the prize has been won, the aggressor will leave, and the affected country will rebuild. It may not seem like it, but these sorts of engagements have rules, and breaking those rules has repercussions.

A holy war, however… a war based in some perceived moral superiority, wherein the aggressor seeks to impose a genocide on an entire group of people over a difference of faith is another thing entirely. No one is safe, and no care is taken – if the goal is to wipe an entire demographic off the face of the planet, then there is no calculable loss to be concerned with. This is true terror.

There are examples of both throughout the ages, and we tend to downplay our own historical misgivings while pointing the finger at others. Nobody alive remembers the Napoleonic Wars, or the Crusades – both of which were brutal and long, and both of which have been given names that sound a lot nicer than they would have been to experience, as opposed to… say; The Holocaust.

War is an extreme case though, isn’t it?

On a more granular level we have people we know, who are not really in powerful enough positions to exact war on anyone else, but there are haters and there are abusers, and scaled down, their motivations are the same… and we see low-level efforts of both all around us.

Right now we’re witnessing our own families and friend groups engage in a form of nationalism as we shop Canadian to avoid paying unnecessary taxes to an overreaching foreign government. This isn’t a thing we should do out of spite, but a thing we should do in the spirit of support – something we should have been doing before, but now we have stronger reasons to do so. But I believe that the cause of our motivation matters. It’s important to remember that there are people on the other side of that international border who are hurting, and that although we can’t necessarily do anything to alleviate that hurt, that is who is over there.

There is no moral superiority.
We have all the same bullshit here as they do there.
And while we’re concerned with what their government is doing – a government that we can’t vote for or against, and have no say over what they do – we have our own governing bodies, and we should be concerned with what they are doing while we’re distracted by what’s going on over the fence.

That goes for an even closer-to-home look at things, as well. there are people in my own family whom I completely disagree with as far as lifestyle, initiative, what decisions they’re making. It’s easy for me to label them – and I often do – and it’s easy for me to write them off – and I often do – but hate and exploitation are pretty far off in the distance from where I am right now.

If they were to actually put forth an effort into improving their situation, I would help them.

The only thing holding me back is the notion that I cannot do it for them… and to force my ideals of what should and shouldn’t be is no better than condemning them for not doing things my way.

I guess what we’re talking about here, is grace.

flexibility

We all have these idyllic scenarios we run in our heads – at least I hope we do, or I am a weirdo – where we know just the right thing to say, or we have the answer to the problem that no one else sees, and we are proud… heroic, even. We rehearse what we’re going to say and we anticipate what the other person’s response will be, and it all goes so smoothly… and we win.

We do this in spite of the fact that it’s never actually gone the way we wanted it to, and ultimately nobody wins. We change nobody’s mind, and nobody changes our mind. We alienate people and risk coming across as assholes despite our best efforts to outwit the other person in the impending confrontation. Not only does our proposed scenario that we’ve rehearsed to death not play out as we thought it would, but the scenario has an ending, and real life has aftermath. For a real trip, try and have this confrontational visit with someone who’s completely fried their brain on designer chemicals and has little-to-no control over their emotions. It’s entitlement en masse, with a heavy dose of rage, and a penchant for blaming everyone around you for things you’ve done.

Perhaps maturity is realizing this in advance, or at least realizing it in the moment and showing some compassion.

The difference between schooling someone in a confrontational conversation, and being of service to their needs comes down to intention. Basically, do you want to wag your finger or do you want to help?

Me? I want to do neither… which is why being of service is such a massive personal sacrifice, and ultimately, why I keep droning on about it time after time.

This manifested itself in my life recently as looking after my niece in the event that her unhinged parent decided to cause a massive scene at my mother’s house. We deemed it best if my niece wasn’t there for that. Personally, I don’t think my mother should have been there for it either, but living in fear isn’t a thing we like to do, and my house is small.

The last thing I wanted to do was entertain a 10 year old. My entertaining-10-year-olds days are over, in my mind, but it was a need – not a want, and it was an act of service I was able to offer, regardless of the fact that I didn’t want to get in the middle of things any more than I already have in recent weeks.

But this wasn’t about me.
And it sure as shit wasn’t about my quiet evening at home, or the shitty sleep I got as a result of doing it.
But it was hard to let go of my quiet evening and my good night’s sleep.
It was hard to switch my brain back into 10-year-old mode.
It was hard not to step into the situation, lay out the facts as I saw them, and shut the bullshit down as I saw fit.
But I did those hard things.

I served.

deserving

To feel like you deserve something can be a bit… funny. For me, anyway. For you; maybe it’s easy, but as someone who can’t help himself when it comes to the etymology and history, and who tries in ernest to be grateful for all things, and who fully acknowledges that all success is a gift from God (or Krishna, as it was explained to me, but that’s another tangent), it feels funny to look around my house that I will eventually own outright from the bank, chock full of wonderful musical instruments, vintage automobile parts, and among other things, the beautiful people I get to live out my days with and think “I deserve more.”

As I write this; we, as a family, are discussing an upcoming vacation. It won’t be a lengthy one but it will cost some money that we’ve saved for this precise application. After months of scrupulous saving, it’s suddenly time to ‘flip the switch’ and become decidedly un-precious about the fruits of our labour.

We are reserving hotel rooms, and buying plane tickets, and have already purchased concert tickets – the impetus of our journey. It’s taken a bit of time to change gears from the saving mentality to the spending mentality, and the word that brings us all into this place of feeling abundant is ‘deserving.’ As in “We deserve this.”

‘Deserving’ shares a root word with a superfluous dish that often follows dinner. An unnecessary indulgence, but an indulgence nonetheless. According to Krishna (and most other deities, I’m sure), we ‘deserve’ precisely fuck-all, and it is through the grace of God that we are permitted these indulgences. So it is not because we are ‘deserving’ of this vacation hat we are allowing ourselves to go, but by grace and grace alone.

It would do me – and probably you – well to remember these things in all that we do.

So I’ll try to seek joy in all things, because joy is like beauty in that it fades with time, especially if you are not choosing to find it where you are looking. We tip the people who are tasked with serving us in the hotels and restaurants we patronize, not only on this trip but in all our travels… this is how we tell people they are doing great work. But are we truly thankful for their efforts? Or do we feel we deserve them? As if we are ‘owed’ somehow…

As someone who is fairly tight-lipped in social settings, I’ll do my best to reach out and let people know they are appreciated.

It will mean more when my heart is in it.

parting

A couple weeks back I vague-posted about someone in my family making a lifestyle change. It’s still underway, and although I realize the help I offered and delivered on was sweeping an aggressive, it was only the beginning… and as much as I’d love to get into detail about the situation, it’s not prudent at this time, so forgive me if I keep it somewhat vague.

I will say that it involved a family-sourced ‘cleaning day’ and the rental of a very large garbage bin, and what I didn’t really realize until the 11th hour is that the majority of what was going into that garbage bin ‘belonged’ to a different family member, who despite knowing all about this cleaning day, was unavailable.

I understand now that my true act of service that I was performing, was being the scapegoat for everything that WE did that day. In spite of the fact that we kept everything of value, and only threw away (actual) garbage, I have brought down hellfire upon myself, and have been accused of all kinds of heinous things, none of which are true – and have even been formally threatened.

Now, I didn’t feel threatened, so I don’t believe I’m in any real danger, nor do I think that the person who uttered the (actual) threat has the means to do anything retaliatory, but a threat was uttered and that’s an actual crime, as opposed to what I’ve done – which is not a crime.

I’ve put a lot of work into myself, and I do a lot to let myself off the hook for things I can’t control, and stay out of situations that don’t concern me directly, so it’s been a bit jarring to realize that this situation does concern me directly and that as much as I want to assume the lotus position and breathe through this – I also have a duty to my household and my family to protect them and provide an example of how to behave in these uncommon situations.

So, I wrote a letter.
It took me three days to write it and calm myself.
Three days to remove myself from the situation, breathe, vent, breathe some more… I ran 22 kms and rode my bike 18 kms… and when I finally got to a point where I’d sweated out my last bit of discomfort with this whole situation, I still felt like the letter needed to be sent.
And I sent it.

It was devoid of any personal insults toward my family member, but it did outline why and how the original event needed to happen, and listed some very serious concerns for this person’s well-being regarding who the very destructive partner they’re with and the lifestyle they’re adopting… and ultimately – and this has been a point of contention – my resistance to apologizing for doing what I did, because in my heart I know that I was asked to do this out of desperation and I know for a fact that if I could go back in time and change the way this was handled, I would do it exactly the same way.

Then I hit the ‘block’ button, as I truly believe I said what was important.

So it’s been really fucking hard, but I’ve removed a family member from my life.

And for the last 3 days since that’s happened… I’ve been completely drained.

service and change

I; or rather, we, have recently been invited to help a family member take on a rather lofty challenge. A change in lifestyle, if I may be so vague – and as someone who has undergone a few changes in lifestyle over the years I can say with great certainty that there is always a blast-radius, and that there are ALWAYS people in the blast-radius.

Those people are often bewildered at the notion that someone might want to improve their situation and they almost always take it personally. This is because change is happening to them, even though it’s peripherally, they really don’t have a choice in the matter any more than the drinking buddies of an alcoholic in recovery would have a say in his or her recovery – though their social dynamic is changing.

These folks in the blast-radius are; in my experience, almost always operating at a lower vibration. Without putting too fine a point on it, they are the crabs in the bucket who are trying to pull someone down in order to keep that person at their level. I’ve been at the lower level, and I know what it looks and feels like. I even tried to pull people down, until one day I decided to escape the bucket myself.

So… I; or rather, we, have been called to service – and you’d be hard-pressed to find an ideology that doesn’t support the notion of helping when called.
And… straight-up: helping suuuucks. It’s ultimately thankless, hard work on the part of all supporters, with none of the glory or accolades when it goes well… so if that’s why anyone’s helping, they’re more than likely standing in the way of progress, whether they’re cheerleading or not.

This situation is no different. There are bewildered people in the blast-radius of this scene, and as hurt as they might be, I have to declare aloud that my act of service is not to them. Furthermore, I cannot take on their hurt feelings as my own. Those feelings are theirs to reckon with… and if I sugar-coat things for them, or try and soften the blow, then I do a disservice to the person who’s actually asked for help. As the old non-vegan 😦 saying goes… “If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to crack a couple eggs.”

Did I mention this suuuucks?

Without divulging too much, I’ll also state that the folks in the blast-radius have been taking advantage of the person who’s asked for help – and I’m related to all of these people – BUT, that doesn’t change the dynamic.

You might get asked for help.
People on the periphery might get upset about it.
You cannot let them distract your from your purpose – which; in that moment, is to fulfil an act of service.

For me; or rather, us, it’s a scene that will play out over a long period of time, so I expect I’ll get more than one blog post out of it, too.

the gears

I’m at a point where someone who had my trust lost it, and wants it back. It’s a truly strange time of life, because typically when these things happen there are a lot of feelings involved, and a reluctance to want to put yourself in the line of fire a second time – but at this time in my life, and in my unique relationship with this person, I want to enthusiastically give that trust back.

There are a few reasons that this is different, but the primary reason I want to give the trust back is: service.

I’m in a position of leadership, and contrary to what most people think when they think of leadership, leading is a service and I want this person to know that holding back trust serves no one. I want to give them that and I want them to give it in the future, because when someone wrongs you or breaks your trust and is truly remorseful over it, that remorse is a greater teacher than I can ever be. There’s no need to “give ’em the gears” when they’ve given themselves the gears, it is not help for them, and it certainly does me no good to put someone through the rigors of gaining my satisfaction in their pain.

Forgiveness and sorrow are not what I thought they were. When I am sorry, it is because I have sorrow – and when I forgive, it’s not because I am satisfied with the level of atonement someone else has reached – I forgive so that the person asking forgiveness can let themselves off the hook for what they’ve done. I am telling them they can stop punishing themselves.

Now, I did not conclude this overnight.

These things do take time, and I’ll never say they don’t – but I will say that they shouldn’t take longer than necessary. We can too easily use guilt as leverage for control over one another, which becomes nefarious overtime. The last thing I want to be in anyone’s life is the villain, so I strive to be a positive entity – One who serves the situation and the person.

So when they are truly ready, I must also be ready.

new realism

I recently had my mind blown open after following up on a book recommendation from a like-minded friend. The book is called “HumanKind” and it was written in Dutch by Rutger Bregman, who; after watching a few interviews, I’ve determined is the real deal.

I don’t often furnish myself with the time to sit and read, so audiobooks tend to be my preferred medium, but in any format this particular book challenges the idea of ‘realism’ or ‘being a realist’ – a label I’ve donned myself with many times in my life, by calling what it really is – fatalism. His book pokes holes in ‘veneer theory’ and the prison system, various social structures and regimes, and provides a balanced look at the world we live in now; which it may be surprising to learn, is one of the most peaceful and friendly periods of our short history on this planet we’ve ever known.

The true ‘realism’ is that things are ultimately good, or at least more good than bad, and that the realistic outlook is bleak more often than not. A realistic viewpoint after accounting for the statistics, is pretty optimistic.

In truth, both statistically and as a personal observation, it’s not hard to see that of the several billion cohabitants of this planet, the vast majority of us are doing our best to be the best versions of ourselves we can be, and that we are not inherently selfish or self-sabotaging so much as we are naturally social and communal in our day to day lives – and the broadcast news and viral editorial columns that are designed to grab our attention are actually the exception, not the rule. That’s what makes them interesting. Though as someone who’s spent some time mainlining cable news through the majority of the COVID-19 pandemic, I can see very plainly how someone might get the idea that the whole world is like that, when it’s really not.

The thought that’s forefront in my brain today is the idea that when an onlooker sees someone doing something good; giving money to a panhandler for example, that it would be easy to denigrate them by saying they were giving for selfish reasons. However, numerous studies have been done on such things, the results of which are irrelevant because in the end: doing good things feels good. Of course there’s ‘something in it’ for the one giving, just as there is for the recipient and to cheapen the experience by being critical of the deed, or even just the time & place of the deed, is counterproductive, and ultimately anti-human.

If every time you held the door for someone at the mall, you felt some abdominal pain or dizziness, it wouldn’t take long before the world became a much darker and less welcoming place than it is.

So why question the motivation if the result is good? I’m not saying we should be broadcasting and virtue signaling with our good deeds all over social media, but we should not hesitate to engage in the human experience, which includes acts of service, community, and love.


Training this week has been good – it’s been nice to get back at it in a serious way. At this point; for me, I am not interested in any wasted effort. When I got to the gym, I’m there for a solid 90 minutes (or more, on occasion) and the goal is complete decimation of the muscles. I leave there with nothing left in the tank as a general rule, and I’ve found it to be infinitely rewarding.

Monday and Friday were both a 45 minute ride and a 45 minute weight workout. Thursday was 45 minutes on the bike and a 25 minute run. I had slightly less time than anticipated but I still got my thing done, and Saturday‘s brick was a 60 minute ride and a 15 minute run. Tuesday has become an at-home floor/core workout that really doesn’t take much time, but I often don’t get to that muscle group on any of the other days, so Tuesday becomes an overflow day.

It sounds great to say you ‘left nothing in the tank’ after a workout, but it’s another thing to really do it. In a few short months we’ll be back outside – but until then, this is what we’re doing and we’re loving the effort.