Blog Posts

a cry for me

“In any case, nobody saw value in me until I saw value in myself… and I didn’t see any value in myself until I decided that I needed to be a better father and partner. Then I made some changes.”

I recently went down a rabbit-hole of music I wrote and recorded. Which turned out to have the effect of losing track of time flipping through a photo album, or what I imagine an old diary might bring about if I’d ever bothered to keep one… well, maybe I inadvertently kept a very public audio-diary.

These records serve to document my adolescent to adult life. If I was going to sum it all up, I’d likely say that it documented my intense need to belong to a culture or way of life, or in some cases – a person, that I just couldn’t seem to adhere to no matter how hard I tried… Christianity… the punk scene… A series of wonderful ladies, including my eventual wife… alcohol and pills… binge-eating… none of it really ever belonged to me the way I wanted it to, but I certainly belonged to those things at one time or another.

I was very lost until I realized that I was enough for me, and if you’ve figured that out then you know exactly what I’m talking about. I had so much to offer and I felt so dejected for so long because nobody wanted it, and maybe because nobody wanted it, I also didn’t want it… or to flip that around, maybe nobody wanted it because I didn’t even want it.

In any case, nobody saw value in me until I saw value in myself… and I didn’t see any value in myself until I decided that I needed to be a better father and partner. Then I made some changes.

But those changes brought about more changes… and more changes… it strengthened my relationship with my kid and my girlfriend… then I got healthier… then I got stronger… then I got disciplined… then my artistic output improved. With every step my value increased… the value I put on myself, and in turn, the value others saw in me changed drastically.

Every day you see me is a day I’m at my strongest and most valuable.

Sometimes I feel pity for that weaker version of myself. Sometimes I shed a tear for how lost I really was… and for such a long time. Sometimes I shake my head at how long it took me. But I love that stupid fuckin’ kid, because that stupid fuckin’ kid got me to where I am now, so I must show him grace and compassion, and thank him for not throwing in the towel no matter how many times he thought about it.

Training… I haven’t been talking much about, but it’s not because I stopped. I was touring through the mountains into the Okanagan last week with my rock & roll band and I got out for a couple good runs – first outdoor runs this year.

This time I’ve been pining for is finally here – and I aim not to waste it.

what is real

“this is mainly to illustrate the point that we actually don’t know what’s real – not when there are still hundreds of millions of people who believe that Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election and had it stolen from him”

A side effect of my lifestyle is that I spend a certain quotient of my time in hotel rooms, and I; like most people, am ultimately at the mercy of commercial-laden movie channels featuring 20+ year old films featuring the likes of George Clooney, Renee Zellweger, and Jim Carrey for a way to pass time between performances, meals, and whatever writing and work I can get done through the day.

Since commercials are usually a thing I can skip past, watching them has been a total trip, and I can’t help but notice a pattern. Be it cheap shampoo or frozen chicken wings, the recurring linguistic exchange seems to circle around the concept of what is real. It’s not hard to point out the fact that nothing is real, especially in commercials, from the captions that say ‘real people, not actors’ to the idea that the individual consumer than determine what is ‘the real thing’ vs the competitors alternatives. Proclamations of real taste, real feel, real sound, real look, and real smell coupled with the appeal to the consumer’s ego that they can differentiate what is real vs what is fake seem to be the perfect equation for successful sales.

Real coffee, real music, real pickup trucks… it’s truly dizzying.

The problem here is that what is real is not the point. The point is to drill the subliminal belief that you know what is real and that this subliminal implantation can be called upon when standing in the frozen foods section or… wherever.

This is what advertising is. By author and entrepreneur Seth Godin’s account, advertising is a company having the money to interrupt you so they can make enough money to interrupt you again.

Advertisers have rules they have to operate within, and that their slogans stay with you your entire life – so much so that the idea that ‘milk does a body good’ is still a strong belief that people have despite the fact that (a) milk does more harm than good and that’s a fact, (b) this is an advertising slogan, not a scientific study, (c) that the calcium you get from dairy can also come from spinach, whereas the spinach doesn’t carry the addictive and cancer causing components of dairy – but it does have fibre, which you need, (d) there are alternatives that are more flavorful and less pus-laden than animal-based dairy, and (e) the dairy industry has lobbyists, whereas the spinach industry doesn’t.

I could go on drilling this comparison into the ground, but this is mainly to illustrate the point that we actually don’t know what’s real – not when there are still hundreds of millions of people who believe that Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election and had it stolen from him.

So then, what is real?

The spiritual connection I feel to my environment, my family, my dog are real. The sense of purpose I feel when I strap on a guitar and holler out into a dimly lit room full of people is real. Running through the river valley is real. The healing and nutritive properties of plant foods is real. Fellowship, and exchanging ideas is real.

I put forward that we need not worry about what is real so much as what makes us feel alive – What gives us purpose? What clears the cobwebs from our periphery and connects us to the universe?

If we can’t answer these questions, then maybe we’re a little too distracted by what products we can buy that are the most ‘real’ and we have changes to make.

You can change if you want to.
I mean, change is hard, but I argue that not changing is harder – especially once you find what makes you feel alive.

So… find that.

changing of the guard

“This is not a lesson about hanging in there and hoping for the best. If anything it’s a 2-fold lesson about not compromising what you want, and aligning yourself with your purpose.”

I don’t know if there’s any wisdom to share so much as there are some observations I’m making about myself from the 10,000 ft. view of my life… but then again, maybe that’s what I do here every week.

For about the last year or so, I have been recoiling from my job – essentially all of 2022, maybe a little further back then that. I went down to 4 days a week and gave up a few perks that full-time employees enjoy in order to do so. I’d originally asked for some fluidity in my schedule that the company wasn’t willing to offer me due to my position here.

That is, until my supervisor decided to retire. I threw my name in the hat for his job and I got it, thereby regaining the perks I’d forgone previously and attained the flexibility I’d been craving. What I needed was a change and I got it. It’s kind of amazing as I take a step back… y’know, once upon a time this company rolled the dice on making me the shipper/receiver. I’m now the regional accounts supervisor for the Canadian prairies.

This is not a lesson about hanging in there and hoping for the best. If anything it’s a 2-fold lesson about not compromising what you want, and aligning yourself with your purpose. I have a good job that allows me to do things I need to do for my soul; both inside and outside the confines of my employment. Truth be told, I have a number of skills that would serve me well in several different working scenarios, but I have had the good fortune of having the company I work for see the potential in me based on my previous role in the company… yes, that role I was backing away from and doing part time.

This is a testament to living in the moment. When I was at work, I was at work, and I kept on task. When I was away from work, it was because I had other important things on the go – family, performing, writing… and those things had my attention as best I could give it, because those things needed to be firmed up.

Now as I take on this new role, there are other things I need to firm up, namely a work/life balance that; again, is going to be much more doable having made these changes.

It’s a matter of being present, and when you’re entirely present – in the right here / right now – there is no fear, or impatience. Fear comes from paying too much attention to the past, and impatience comes from looking too far forward.

It’s only here and now that we can do our best work.

a.i. art

“Art echoes the human experience, so for someone to even refer to A.I. generated images or sounds as ‘art’ is a minor pet peeve. Any A.I. generated music is likely to be prompted with profit in mind, rather than quality – so my career as a twangy rock & roll recording artist is no more in jeopardy from A.I. than it is from any blossoming DJ remixing top 40 hits in the same year as my next release – it doesn’t even register as a blip on the screen. “

Beyond everyone’s dystopic fears of being enslaved by robots, there are several much more nuanced conversation about A.I. that can be had in the here & now – because no matter how you feel about it, A.I. is happening. The only portion of this conversation I feel remotely qualified to have is that around art.

People are worried; as they have a right to be, that A.I. is changing the landscape of what can be defined as art and what a piece of art might cost, and I think before we take the hair-on-fire reaction to something we don’t fully understand, we’re going to have to acknowledge a few glaring problems within this industry. As I go through this I’ll be toggling between a few different kinds of art.

The first of which; is that most people can’t afford to purchase original art. The glaring example is that The Mona Lisa; owned by The Louvre Museum in Paris, France, is essentially priceless. It’s hypothetically worth more than a billion dollars, but it’s not for sale regardless – this does not prevent me from purchasing a beach towel or a pair of socks with the image printed on it for a much more manageable price tag. I enjoy the licensing of that image, essentially for free.

I own printed copies of original artwork, still in support of the artist, purchased from the artist for a fraction of what a commissioned piece would cost. Many of us do, so the argument of ‘the original article’ vs ‘a reasonable facsimile’ is best left to people with an actual art budget.

Similarly, if I want to hear Bruce Springsteen sing ‘Hungry Heart’ it’s going to cost me a few hundred bucks, an evening, and I’m going to have to wait for the luxury. If I’m willing to settle for a cover band’s rendition of it, I’ll save more than a few bucks.

That’s all from a consumer’s standpoint. As an songwriter and recording artist, myself, I have to say that the entire world has been “getting the milk for free” for a long time without ever worrying about the price of the cow. I truly believe that we should all be able to subside and thrive off of the fruits of our artistic labor, but in the same breath I have to say that if you are making music or making art specifically for notoriety or financial gain, that you’d be better off picking up a part-time job at 7-11.

I make music because it’s in me to make. I’m not sure I really have a choice in the matter – and yes, what I do has value, and I am compensated for my efforts when I perform – but streaming revenues are not something that an artist like me banks on, but it seems to be the price of trying.

Art echoes the human experience, so for someone to even refer to A.I. generated images or sounds as ‘art’ is a minor pet peeve. Any A.I. generated music is likely to be prompted with profit in mind, rather than quality – so my career as a twangy rock & roll recording artist is no more in jeopardy from A.I. than it is from any blossoming DJ remixing top 40 hits in the same year as my next release – it doesn’t even register as a blip on the screen. As a matter of fact, the original version of the aforementioned top 40 hit didn’t register a blip, either, as it was more than likely pieced together in a board room in Sweden by a handful of men led by Max Martin or one of his disciples who specialize in turning note intervals into dollar signs.

… and if Max Martin loses his job to A.I., I have a feeling he won’t be on the bread line any time soon. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he’s already using it to make his life easier.

My thoughts drift to my subtle awareness of how the diamond industry works. Aside from the hellscape that is the Blood Diamond trade, I learned a while back that in the golden age of diamond mining, the pursuit was ‘the perfect diamond’ meaning of course that it had no; or at least very few, flaws. That is until the advent of the cubic zirconia, which is a synthetic compound with an equally stunning appearance that served to crater the notion of mining the perfect diamond, and the end result was an increased valuation on diamonds that were previously considered less valuable due to their flaws. This is because the presence of flaws made for easier certification of real diamonds. Clearly, the diamond industry has it’s problems.

This is analogous to the music industry in a number of ways. With the advent of most advances in recording technology, there have been people who push against it, arguing that the integrity of the craft is being lost – but there are flocks of music fans who go out of their way to see live music in all it’s imperfections, as well as purchase live albums, and seek out ‘gritty’ and ‘raw’ recordings because they feel more ‘real.’ With the undoubted flawless execution of music works performed by A.I. there’s little doubt in my mind that the number of people looking for the humanity in their music and art will only grow larger.

In the end… writers will probably take the biggest hit from this. Copywriters, translators (if there are any left), editors, some journalists I’m sure… but the greatest artistic works will continue to be the echoes of lived experience, which is something A.I. can never profess to have.

In the end, I guess you can go ahead and make all the A.I. generated “art” you want… just don’t expect me to pay for it.

Frankly, I’d be more interested to hear that A.I. has taken on the menial tasks of humanity – all the toilet scrubbing & burger flipping – for free, so we can be free to create more art than ever.

day 101 – the marathon monks

“We’re fortunate our options go beyond ‘finish or die trying’ in any of our chosen paths, but at some point we all have a day 101 – where we must choose to commit, or choose to quit – but a choice must be made. On that day, there should be no doubt what needs to happen.”

There is both a book and a documentary about the “Marathon Monks of Mount Hiei.” Both are nearing 20 years old and are ultimately the kind of documentaries you might have seen being made even before then. In other words – a little dry. Documentary making has taken many turns for the better and more interesting in more recent years, and the artistic direction behind them is of great benefit. This documentary is not that.

It’s not without it’s merits, however. You might not be able to make that documentary now because you might not find a Tendai Monk that’s in the right place in their path to make the journey.

The journey; of course, being 1000 marathons in 1000 days, known regionally as The Kaihogyo. Now, these are not consecutive days, but that’s not really the point. The point is the path to enlightenment – to essentially become a living saint. The 7 year journey breaks down like this:

Year 1: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days. *During this time, the monk can quit, but after day 101, there is no quitting. He completes the Kaihogyo or he dies trying.
Year 2: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 3: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 4: run 30 km per day. This time for 200 straight days.
Year 5: run 30 km per day for 200 straight days. After completing the fifth year of running, the monk must go 9 consecutive days without food, water, or rest (known as the Doiri). Two monks stand beside him at all times to ensure that he does not fall asleep.
Year 6: the monk must run 60 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 7: the monk must run 84 km per day for 100 straight days. Then, he must run 30 km per day for the final 100 days.

Fueling is a whole other thing – these monks traditionally eat between 1000 and 2000 calories per day, exclusively rice, miso soup, and green tea – when they’re not eating nothing, of course.

There’s a myriad of lessons to be learned from the Tendai Monks, many of which are related to commitment – never giving up no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes, because If We Commit To Nothing, We’ll Be Distracted By Everything – and never complaining about the struggles we’ve chosen to conquer, because we’ve chosen them.

We’re fortunate our options go beyond ‘finish or die trying‘ in any of our chosen paths, but at some point we all have a day 101 – where we must choose to commit, or choose to quit – but a choice must be made. On that day, there should be no doubt what needs to happen.

common ground

“I am a firm believer; however, that we all truly desire the type of discipline it takes to get to something that we perceive to be ‘out of reach.’ “

As much as there are both subtle and not-so-subtle differences between the billions of us that wander around paying for things on this planet there are a few things we all want, need, and deserve.

Without getting into the obvious physical needs like food & water, shelter, love, companionship, and all the things that make the social creatures that we are feel safe, I think we all need, AND want, discipline.

Naturally, none of us enjoy being disciplined by an outside party – we figure that out from a young age, and it’s no stretch of the imagination to conclude that we; as humans, are wired for convenience. Convenience; after all, is what we’ve built the more positive aspects of our civilization on.

We examine each other, and we determine where we belong in some grand pecking order. We see fashionistas and luxury cars and we assume the person who has these things has a level intelligence, status, or privilege before we conduct ourselves according to how those things make us feel – be it jealousy, respect, adoration, frustration, or some other emotion. We might paint a picture of a perfect life in our minds because we can’t picture any other way to attain this status, or we might assume the worst of someone, secretly accusing them of hoarding wealth or manipulating people for their own greed. We might even feel that they deserve these things – but no matter how we feel, we’re wired to react – and for most of us, a sarcastic toned ‘must be nice…‘ enters our minds.

I am a firm believer; however, that we all truly desire the type of discipline it takes to get to something that we perceive to be ‘out of reach.’ We may not all have a burning desire to drive a late model Mercedes and wear designer clothes. I mean, personally I’m not motivated by these specific things, but I wouldn’t pass them up if they became available to me. I feel successful – maybe I’d like to appear that way as well… but I’m driven by other things.

When I ran my first half-marathon in 2022, I did it because it was hard, and out of reach. I built a training program and I stuck to it, and saw success from the discipline required to follow that plan. When race day finally came, it wasn’t an accomplishment at all – it was the icing on the cake. I didn’t want a participation medal, I wanted to be able to run 22kms and I opted to give myself a deadline by which to do it. In other words, I wanted to gain the tools for success and use them.

I’ve written, recorded, and released multiple albums as a songwriter and guitar player in rock & roll bands, and I have a list of records I’ve made that I’d like to outdo. The one I’m about to release is the best in my opinion… but it won’t be long before it’s ‘the one to beat’ because that’s what you do when this is your pursuit. You keep going.

You might not want to run 22 kms straight, but I’m willing to bet that all of us want the kind of discipline it takes. I don’t want to run 22 kms anymore – I’ve done that. I’d like to go a little further.

Now, I’ll be the first to say that running isn’t for everyone. Running wasn’t for me either… until it was. For some people, the half marathon is more of a metaphor for their trajectory at their job, or their artistic endeavors, or just to inject some activity into their lives – but we all want that inspiration to get up and do what’s in us to do, and the discipline to see it through to the next mile marker, whatever it is.

We can all have that.
We just have to start.

Inspiration can get you started, but discipline is what takes over when inspiration fades.

Speaking of trajectory… I’m in the throes of some life adjustments at work that I’m bound to elaborate on in the near future, but I will say that it involves some periodic travel, and that when I am the one arranging my own travel, I’ll be doing so in a slightly different fashion that was done this week.

After setting the clocks ahead an hour last week, I also lost another hour traveling to Winnipeg on Monday, which would have netted me a 3.5 hour slumber on Monday night had I got up to train in the hotel weight room. I did not do that, and slept 5 hours instead (which was still not enough). This is just what it is this week, so I’m not beating myself up about it – just doing what I can when I can.

Spring is in the air but winter is hanging on for dear life. I can almost taste those outdoor running sessions.

getting granular

“I choose to get granular. I know what the bigger picture is for my health journey and I know how it’s going. It’s good to ‘zoom out’ and acknowledge how far you’ve come as a way of encouraging yourself, or rather myself – but fine-tuning your practice and measuring results requires a detailed perspective… that extra couple reps, that extra few minutes of meditation, that faster lap, that extra page of writing, and extra half hour earlier you wake up…”

We’re all doing our best. I have to believe that and this is not the first time I’ve espoused such a notion. Even those people you disagree with that seem to be waiting in the shadows of the internet; ever ready to pounce on your good vibes are doing their best. Their best what? Beats me – but they truly believe they’re making a difference in their world, just as I do, and although I may disagree with the tactics they use and the viewpoint they broadcast, we do have that little shred of commonality.

I know I can’t change those people’s minds, and I know they won’t change mine. I can only change my perception of them, and the method by which I react – and if they have nothing but negative talk for me then I must acknowledge this:

“You will never find a hater that works harder than you” – David Goggins.

As much as David Goggins is liable to record himself reciting the hateful rhetoric of his online critics and listen to them while he works out, (and I am not going to do that) I will say that he has chosen how to react in his way, and I choose how to react in mine.

I choose to get granular. I know what the bigger picture is for my health journey and I know how it’s going. It’s good to ‘zoom out’ and acknowledge how far you’ve come as a way of encouraging yourself, or rather myself – but fine-tuning your practice and measuring results requires a detailed perspective… that extra couple reps, that extra few minutes of meditation, that faster lap, that extra page of writing, and extra half hour earlier you wake up…

I find that the number one criticism I receive; while fully acknowledging that it’s only criticism if I decide I’m being criticized, is people saying ‘that’s too extreme’ or that I should ‘take a break’. What I know now – today – is that I’ll take a break when I deem it appropriate, and that ‘extreme’ is a relative term. I can’t be measured by anyone’s yardstick but my own, and I seek satisfaction in knowing that I’m pushing myself to be better. There’s a more-than-good chance that I’m being encouraged to ingest some sort of chill pill; not because I need one, but because my efforts are making other people question their own discipline, and rather than intensifying their game, they’d prefer to see me de-tensify mine. That’s their struggle, I guess – but it doesn’t have to be mine.

So I’ll tell you right now:
If you want to weigh your food in order to track calories or macros better, do it. If you want to build muscle, do it.
If you want to run longer, do it.
If you want to be more mindful, do it.
If you want to eat cleaner, do it.

The world is full of people who carry their regrets of a misspent youth around with them, but taking action means you can leave those regrets in the rear view.

That means a being better athlete, a better writer, a better singer, a better guitar player, a better friend, a better mentor, a better partner, a better father, a better worker… I might be extreme compared to some people, but certainly not compared to others. For all I know, you could be looking at me thinking I’m not doing enough.

Just try to remember, everyone’s out here doing their best.
Me included.

This week has been solid. I’ve been pushing my speed on the track, and some heavy weights on the bench, and it’s been great. These hard workouts are a means to justify some weekend rest time, because aside from the workouts, I’m in a new position at work now and my brain has been pan-seared by the end of the week, and in need of some artistic expression.

So it’s been 4 intense days, with some calorie cutting and dietary fine-tuning, and some much needed attention to some other matters around the house that will set me up for success in the future.

Once it’s the snow melts and we’re back outside, there’ll be a 5th day for trail running. Can’t wait.