The Conscious Pilgrim

longer days

“We’re not there yet, and thus we can’t live there yet – but this IS a time of preparation and I am ready to enjoy that preparation as well. We live here, in this preparation time, and it’s okay for you to love it. It’s only going to happen once.”

December 21st is the shortest day of the year, and it’s starting to become a little more obvious now that despite brief sucker-punches of bone-chilling weather, spring is coming. I know it’ll be the middle of May before anything really comes close to being dependable in the forecast but seeing that sun come up and stay up a little longer makes me think about what’s to come.

I’m 6 weeks out from a new album release and we have a single being tracked throughout Canada, which means the phone is starting to ring and the inbox is filling up with booking opportunities. Hopefully you’re hearing the new single and seeing it in your algorithm wherever you are… and if you’re not, perhaps you will, and if you don’t perhaps you’ll experience the next single which is due to come out on the 6th of April.

I’m grateful for the still-dark early mornings that remain mine. I only share them with the other early morning gym rats who have no idea who I am outside of that facility and I like it that way. A few people there know I play music but most don’t, and that’s okay. The gym is not a social club, at least not at 6am when I am arriving there.

It’s time to finish up a few projects on my 1962 Ford Fairlane 500 and prepare for the driving season. I aim to maximize my time in the driver’s seat of that car this year, as I’ve got some lost time to make up for with that car. The most special part of that is seeing the hard work I’ve put in over the winter pay off. For all I know at this point, I’ll sell that car this year – I mean, I have no plan to, but I try to stay fluid with these things, and honestly that kind of cash injection could really make a difference in another old car. That all remains to be seen.

All this to say that there are seasons to life, and we’re rounding one out – one that’s hard and busy, and it’s leading us into the spring & summer when the days get longer and we play outdoors, drive cool cars, and enjoy what life has to offer.

We’re not there yet, and thus we can’t live there yet – but this IS a time of preparation and I am ready to enjoy that preparation as well. We live here, in this preparation time, and it’s okay for you to love it. It’s only going to happen once.

finding the edges

As I round out the first couple of months of 2023, I am ultimately content with my progress as it pertains to physical fitness (despite some inevitable frustration with the speed of that progress, but hey!). The reason I am content with my progress is because it IS progress, and in order to feel the way I want to feel, I need to be pushing forward.

I’m not opposed to rest & recovery. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about personal challenges within my vocation. I’m talking about writing better, lifting heavier, playing guitar more proficiently, helping my contemporaries at work to deal with challenging situations and learning from them. I’m at my best when I’m actively engaged in what I am doing and who I am with, and I wager that you’re no different.

I’ve learned that nobody wants to see a ‘pretty good’ rock & roll band, they want to see a great rock & roll band – a truly exceptional rock & roll band, for that matter. In the same way, my girlfriend doesn’t want to have a conversation with me when I am distracted by a TV show or a social media post; not when she could have an honest, engaging discussion with me – she wants to be reminded that she’s more important than whatever content I am consuming.

It’s too easy to live a life of leisure; to enjoy the fruits of your labor without any plan to return to work. As humans, we’re predisposed to this, likely due to some evolutionary trait that permitted us to be content with a certain set of comfortable circumstances. Personally; and I know this is common to many people – I’m happy as a clam being on vacation, but there IS a point at which lazing about reaches it’s limit, and the need to accomplish something kicks in. This is why I’ve gradually fallen in love with making a plan. “Finding the edges” is a crucial part of this, because we need to know what the limitations of our capabilities are, particularly if we’re going to push or stretch them and avoid complacency.

Complacency is what happens when we stop rising to meet new challenges and succumb to the comforts of life. We accept the reality with which we’re presented and have a hard time seeing beyond it because we’ve stopped looking. For many people, this is retirement, but for most of us it means giving in to a lifestyle that isn’t necessarily easy, but that we’ve decided we’re okay navigating. This might look like a paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle… it might look like retirement… or it might look like sleeping in a ravine in a makeshift tent and spending your day scheming to get a fix to numb your pain.

We all share this humanity, and some compassion is required in order to navigate these waters… but maybe that’s a post for another day.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Plans change. They can change and they will change – and it’s only when there is no plan that change is particularly hard or uncomfortable.

Training this week has been reasonably solid. My work schedule has changed a bit, and with the advent of subscribing to a Monday-Friday work schedule for the first time in over a decade, a few regularly occurring things on the calendar have been shuffled out of necessity.

If anything, my workouts are longer somehow. Monday (which I took off this week w/ the Family Day long weekend), as well as Thursday and Saturday are long endurance days. A solid 60 – 75 minutes of running. Tuesday and Friday are weight lifting days, as they historically have been, but with an endurance component as well, which is divvied up between the stair-climber, the stationary bike, the rowing machine, and the tank. Wednesday & Sunday are rest days.

I’m also making an effort to spend some time stretching and doing some isolated core work on a gym mat at the end of each of the 5 sessions. I’m sure I will reap the rewards of that in time, but for the moment I’m just trying to make sure I get it done.

This should get me into outdoor running season, but things are constantly changing and fine-tuning. It’s a process.

the late bloomer

“A lot of my foolish teenage dreams came back when I got my health back, except now I’m 40, and I have the discipline and artistic fortitude to chase them. “

I know I’m probably not alone in this, but for as far back as I can remember, I’ve been misunderstood, or at best, taken out of context with some regularity. The fact that a person with those sorts of credentials spends any time uploading creative works to the internet is a mystery, even to me – but here we are.

I suppose somewhere between my 40 year old body and my brain that operates at the same level it did when I was 17, it can be expected. I’ve spent a good amount of time in my life being various forms of fucked-up, and have ultimately been hell-bent on consumption of everything from high-fructose corn syrup to pain pills, and washed them all down with liquor, beer & wine. I would say upsetting things, and the frequency at which I was resonating was so low I’m surprised I didn’t stop existing altogether. But that didn’t happen.

I cleaned up – in all the different ways. I got my health in check and my food sources in check and at this point I’ve never been so clear as I am right now, and I’ve also never been so misunderstood by so many people – and that misunderstanding likely either comes from the fact that (a) most of the people around me have only known the hazy, inebriated version of me, or (b) those people are hazy versions of themselves. Now; regardless of whether they fall under category (a) or (b), they’re gradually having to get used to the version of me that is driven, motivated, and disciplined. I understand that it’s a bit bewildering for those people, assuming they care enough to give it a second thought.

What can I say – I’m a Confusionaire.

Scattered throughout the fields of bewildered people are a few folks in my life who are excited by these changes. I keep these people close – or at least as close as an introverted guy like me can. I play it pretty close to the chest, which is either a natural inclination, or a defense mechanism – I’m not sure which, but I do manage to let a few people through.

I wasn’t joking when I said my brain functions the way it did when I was 17. A lot of my foolish teenage dreams came back when I got my health back, except now I’m 40, and I have the discipline and artistic fortitude to chase them. Some of you might be reading this and thinking “mid-life crisis” but I’m not talking about buying a sportscar and picking up women half my age. I’m talking about re-realizing my purpose – but when it feels like so many of my contemporaries are moving in the opposite direction, I am most certainly the outlier among my peers. It bothered me for a while… but I really can’t be too concerned with that anymore.

I like the term “late bloomer” – I subscribe to that.

If any of this resonates with you then you might be a late bloomer, too. I think it’s a thing to be proud of despite how easy it is to look and your low-frequency years as ‘wasted time.’ That’s not wasted time at all. That’s a blessing… and an incubation period. Truth-be-told, if I was always healthy in my body and my mind, I’d probably have taken it for granted – but since it’s a newfound hope and a new opportunity to push myself beyond my limits, it’s absolutely everything to me.

I wish everyone felt this way.

I’ve been traveling this week, and working some long-ass hours with one of those people who got excited by the changes I’ve been making. If you are friends with me on Facebook then you might know that I’m leveling up in the company I work for, and that my band is releasing our finest album to date. Saying that I have a lot going on is an understatement.

Through that, I’ve been able to maintain a level of physical fitness in the fitness room of the hotel I’ve been staying in. I’ve maintained my weightlifting routine, and I have been running with the usual regularity, but not for the lengths of time I’d like to. That can change in the future though, because I’m largely rolling on someone else’s timetable this week…

My boss, a great man who’s had a lot of influence over my professional trajectory, is retiring, and the company has seen fit to offer me his role in the company. I’ve been spending the week training with him, and even though he’s a quarter-century ahead of me, and retiring… he’s not here to fuck around.

I’m proud of where I am, and where I am going… even though after the job is fully mine I’ll be able to go for longer runs. lol.

inspiration and discipline

“This moves into every facet of life, including songwriting. Inspiration might get you to pick up a guitar and mess around with a chord progression or a lick, but discipline is what makes you pick up your guitar every day, and discipline is also what really has the capacity to make a song great.”

I hope I’m inspiring.

Well, I guess know I’m inspiring. I’ve been told I’m inspiring, but that’s not the point. I hope I stay inspiring. One of the great many things I’ve learned along my path is that inspiration is fickle. Inspiration is a notion that something might be a good idea and it requires absolutely no follow-through. Good ideas are good ideas whether you follow through or not.

Once upon a time, I was inspired to do something for my health. I went to the gym. It felt good, and I elected to do it again the next day. This went on for a period of time – let’s say a week, until one day I didn’t feel like it… like I deserved a break. I did deserve a break. I’d been working hard and it was time to rest. One day inevitably turned into two or maybe three – until guilt made me feel like I should get back on the horse. It; too, felt good.

After a while my feelings on the matter – the question of whether I was due for a rest, were no longer part of the equation. My rest days were planned just as much as my workout days were. I’d developed a routine and I was doing alright with it. Then I started seeing things I wanted to see. Things like larger biceps, or a lower number on the scale. This resulted in a more consistent practice. Diligent follow-through.

At some point along the way I was no longer inspired. I know I wasn’t inspired because there were days my alarm went off and I didn’t want to go to the gym – but I went anyway. That’s not inspiration, it’s discipline.

To this day I really don’t know how to answer the question “what inspires you?” because I think inspiration checked out a few miles back, and discipline took over. At this point there are so many great things that happen in my life as a result of my practice of self care that skipping a day doesn’t even occur to me – and when the unforeseeable happens, I reschedule, and I adapt… because that’s what discipline gets you: resilience.

This moves into every facet of life, including songwriting. Inspiration might get you to pick up a guitar and mess around with a chord progression or a lick, but discipline is what makes you pick up your guitar every day, and discipline is also what really has the capacity to make a song great.

Ultimately, if I had to choose between them, I’d rather be disciplined than inspired any day.

I didn’t make an entry about training last week, but it’s not for lack of follow-through. I’ve been changing my approach a little bit, and it’s all based on that notion that got me to start running in the first place…

Running is hard.

I’ve adjusted my focus away from the stationary bike and toward running. There’s still place for the bike… and for the rowing machine, stair climber, swimming… all of it, but running kills me the hardest. It’s the most calorie-burning and exhaustive activity I do, and I feel that if I want to accomplish my goals that I gotta dig in on the hard stuff.

It’s made for some ass-dragging, over-cooked days but it’s been worth the effort so far. I’ve definitely overdone it a couple times but I wear that with a bit of pride. I oughta pace myself, I know – but if I know anything, it’s that I will adjust, and fairly quickly.

Maintaining the weight lifting for a total of about 45-60 minutes, twice a week, and I hit the rowing machine, stair climber, and bike once a week each – the rest of the time I’m running. It looks like this:

Monday – long run (60 – 75 minutes)
Tuesday – stationary bike / weightlifting
Wednesday – rest
Thursday – long run (60 – 75 minutes)
Friday – row machine / weightlifting / stair climber
Saturday – bike (30 – 45 minutes) / run (30 – 45 minutes)
Sunday – rest

I’m undergoing a job-change right now, so there’s more than one kind of adjustment happening in my life, but it’s all for the best.

trauma

“Trauma is not just bad things happening to you.
It’s also good things not happening to you.”

Trauma might be the biggest 6 letter word of 2022… and maybe 2023 since we’re right in there now. I’m not sure if it’s my own algorithm treating me to a nice, shiny shovel with which to dig into my own psyche or if it’s actually everywhere, but it’s certainly a thing to be aware of.

Trauma is most often defined as anything that guides or reroutes neuropathways in the brain, and is completely experiential. That means: a thing happened to you and it changed the way you think. Typically a trauma response is something you implement to prevent yourself from experiencing that situation (or one like it) again, and it’s an understatement to say that most of these situations happen to you as a child or some other variation of young person. This is a time of great brain development and it’s a given that your brain has adapted to your bad experiences just as it has your good experiences and your educational experiences.

But trauma is not just bad things happening to you.
It’s also good things not happening to you.

The hard part of acknowledging trauma in your life is concluding that your parents had something to do with it. And basically, you’re right – they did, just as you as an adult likely have something to do with the trauma of your own children, perhaps your nieces & nephews – but assigning blame isn’t the point. Well, not always. To be trauma-free would make you an outlier in this world.

*** if you’re dealing with serious trauma from childhood you should talk to a professional who can guide you through it.

We’re all sculpted by our experiences in this life, and we’re all graced with a unique view of the world as a result. Often times our world view is what limits us and prevents us from success, just as there are many people who are propelled forward by those same factors.

My personal challenge has been to change my world view. I obviously can’t change my experiences, but I can change my reactions to them. I can use them to grow and see things in a new way, I can redefine what terms like success and growth mean to me after years of simply accepting the status quo. I won’t say it’s easy and it’s certainly not instantaneous.

But… I choose growth.

room for the miracle

“Personally I love this notion. If I have a plan and I need to change it in order to navigate the terrain of a tumultuous day, I can do so. It’s when I don’t have a plan at all that this change becomes a massive disruption.”

I like to have a plan.

I didn’t always like to have a plan, but then again I didn’t always get everything done that needed doing. In truth, the first positive thing I ever got a grip on was my health, and even then it was a loose grip in the beginning – but slowly & surely I made bigger progress followed by smaller regress… 2 steps forward, 1 step back until I learned enough about myself to optimize things.

It took me the better part of a decade to get done what I set out to do, and the most successful part of that (almost) decade was the fall of 2018 leading all the way through 2019 and into the pandemic. I consistently lost 1-2 lbs for a year & a half.

I’ve also been able to apply the principals of that weight loss to other aspects of my life, everything from home improvement projects to artistic output. I’ll spare a lot of the rhetoric and sum it up: Do the work.

Doing the work is methodical and consistent more than anything, but the work requires rest and periodic analysis, too – and it’s within that rest and analysis that we can take a step back and figure out what’s working and what’s not, and how to make things move more efficiently in the direction we want them to. Now, the term isn’t mine, but the concept of ‘making room for the miracle‘ has been pretty constant in my life as of late. The idea that having a plan is great, and knowing that plans change.

Personally I love this notion. If I have a plan and I need to change it in order to navigate the terrain of a tumultuous day, I can do so. It’s when I don’t have a plan at all that this change becomes a massive disruption.

In the context of songwriting, songs show up in my whenever they please… but if I don’t have a guitar and a pen on hand with some regularity then those moments are sure to be further and fewer between – even less so if I insist on exclusively working on scales and rudiments without allowing for any experimentation. Similarly if I want to develop muscle, I’m going to have to spend some time in the gym – and consider trying a new sport or game. If I want to lose some weight then I’m going to have to put some effort into selecting nutrient dense foods, but it’s bound to be more exciting to try some new recipes.

It’s important to stay consistent without being too precious about the action because it can be easy to lose sight of the goal, in the ‘can’t see the forest when you’re looking at the trees‘ sort of way.

When I did my first vegetable juice fast in 2014, I wasn’t thinking about triathlon, or home ownership, or my musical trajectory – but all of those things were ultimately set in motion at that time.

Training this week, has been exactly as written above. The week started out well, but since I’m out traveling and playing shows from Wednesday to Sunday, working out and running have been challenging. I am doing what I can when I can, and through some measure of magic I’ve been able to do a little more than I’d anticipated.

And ill be back on track in no time.

purpose driven

“I live in a mindset of prosperity, so I see prosperity – and I am truly happy doing what I’m doing. When I lived in a negative space, all I saw was negativity.”

I’ve made more than a few changes in my life in the past couple of years, and it’s paid off in more than a few ways. I’ll preface this blog entry by stating that I’m not here to tell anyone to stop being concerned with the money flowing in & out o their home, because I’m not only unqualified to do so, but I’m also not naïve nor am I independently wealthy. Money is energy – and you’re gonna need some in order to get done what you intend to do.

As an artist and an entrepreneur, I have the distinct pleasure of knowing that my output has value, and when that translates into dollars & cents I know what to ask for and what to deliver.

However, I will say that once my primary motivation stopped just being money, I was able to monitor growth in a much more fascinating way. There are some things you can’t buy because they are worth more than money. These are things like integrity, effectiveness, positivity, reputation… the types of things that only come from consistent diligence.

My band and I work with a business manager to grow our business, and we’ve made some steps that feel more like bounding leaps than steps – intelligent decisions that have ensured a reputation of quality. We’ve also received opportunities that never would have come our way without a soft-hearted, neighborly approach, such as offering a place to stay to an old friend traveling through our home town after some accommodations fell through. It might not sound like much, but it meant a lot to the recipient – so much so that this friend helped us accomplish something we otherwise would not have.

The steps that led to us being ready for that were gradual and calculated, and the timing was fantastic. If our proposed album release date for our new album (that we’ve just opened preorders for) was 6 months later or 6 months earlier, it wouldn’t have worked out. 6 months earlier would have been too quick, and 6 months later might have been just enough time that we would have seconded guessed following up and securing this arrangement.

One of the aforementioned steps involved a drastic change to my scheduled activities, to spend more time as an artist, and less time as someone else’s employee – a strange move for a 40 year old man in the wake of a 2.5 year global pandemic, but the right move for me nonetheless.

Now, to stop myself from telling any more of this story in the reverse order in which it happened, I’ll say that to be driven by purpose rather than to be driven my something as fleeting as money has enriched my life more than you could ever know. My family and my rock & roll band are better for it, my artistic output is of a higher caliber and travels further and is heard by more ears as a result of it, and my life is inexplicably full in response to it.

I live in a mindset of prosperity, so I see prosperity – and I am truly happy doing what I’m doing. When I lived in a negative space, all I saw was negativity. Sure, there are hard days and stressful days, but I was going to have those anyway – and if there’s been a resounding message coming at me from all angles over the past while, it’s this:

You don’t get what you want. You get what you are.

I hope to encourage anyone feeling the negative side of these dark, cold January days to push yourself to be in a mindset of prosperity and purpose, and spend less time with your head in those dark spaces. If you truly want to change your life, start with your perspective – anything else that needs to change will follow in it’s own time.

I won’t say it’s easy, but I will say it’s worth it.

I will also say that it would be remiss of me to not provide an avenue to support what I’m doing in a tangible way, especially after this particular story, so I’ll post this link: https://confusionaires.bandcamp.com/album/westernization-2023 so that if you like the small sample of the album that’s posted here, you might go a step further and secure a copy. I don’t want to pressure anyone into buying anything – I only want to sell you this if you think you will love it.

My blood, sweat, and tears are in this record and if you appreciate the writing and sharing I do in this blog, you may also appreciate the content of these songs.

Training this week has been good. Last Saturday’s workout was at a Planet Fitness in Grande Prairie. I won’t say I loved the facility for myself, but I did love the vibe and level of accessibility it provides to the community around it. I think I tend to go for “a bit less flash and a bit more smash” if I may put it so succinctly. Monday, Lu and I opted for an extra day of rest after a particularly intense weekend for a couple of reasons. I had taken the day off, which allowed to rest to a degree we haven’t been able to since before the holidays, so we took that opportunity. Tuesday followed with some weightlifting, Thursday & Saturday with Zone 2 cardio, and Friday with a run & more weights.

I’ve been awaiting a decision (as well as some inevitable hoops to jump through) in regards to a work place opportunity, and the focus on fitness and the intense level at which my artistic life is operating right now has been a welcome opportunity to stay in the moment – but at the same time, I do feel like I’m waiting on someone else’s schedule for something, which I don’t love.

The crazy part is that it’s actually a pretty serious fork in the road. I either (a) further indenture myself to the company I work for, or I (b) seek opportunity elsewhere. Not out of spite, just for the sheer fact that if I have hit the ceiling of what they see in me, then I must seek opportunity elsewhere. I’d never tell them that for fear that it would sound like an ultimatum – but I really don’t think they read this blog, and I’m being vague intentionally.

It’s strange, but I’m not married to either outcome despite how strong the motions that will follow will be.

C’est la vie.