blog – Page 18 – The Conscious Pilgrim

day 101 – the marathon monks

“We’re fortunate our options go beyond ‘finish or die trying’ in any of our chosen paths, but at some point we all have a day 101 – where we must choose to commit, or choose to quit – but a choice must be made. On that day, there should be no doubt what needs to happen.”

There is both a book and a documentary about the “Marathon Monks of Mount Hiei.” Both are nearing 20 years old and are ultimately the kind of documentaries you might have seen being made even before then. In other words – a little dry. Documentary making has taken many turns for the better and more interesting in more recent years, and the artistic direction behind them is of great benefit. This documentary is not that.

It’s not without it’s merits, however. You might not be able to make that documentary now because you might not find a Tendai Monk that’s in the right place in their path to make the journey.

The journey; of course, being 1000 marathons in 1000 days, known regionally as The Kaihogyo. Now, these are not consecutive days, but that’s not really the point. The point is the path to enlightenment – to essentially become a living saint. The 7 year journey breaks down like this:

Year 1: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days. *During this time, the monk can quit, but after day 101, there is no quitting. He completes the Kaihogyo or he dies trying.
Year 2: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 3: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 4: run 30 km per day. This time for 200 straight days.
Year 5: run 30 km per day for 200 straight days. After completing the fifth year of running, the monk must go 9 consecutive days without food, water, or rest (known as the Doiri). Two monks stand beside him at all times to ensure that he does not fall asleep.
Year 6: the monk must run 60 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 7: the monk must run 84 km per day for 100 straight days. Then, he must run 30 km per day for the final 100 days.

Fueling is a whole other thing – these monks traditionally eat between 1000 and 2000 calories per day, exclusively rice, miso soup, and green tea – when they’re not eating nothing, of course.

There’s a myriad of lessons to be learned from the Tendai Monks, many of which are related to commitment – never giving up no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes, because If We Commit To Nothing, We’ll Be Distracted By Everything – and never complaining about the struggles we’ve chosen to conquer, because we’ve chosen them.

We’re fortunate our options go beyond ‘finish or die trying‘ in any of our chosen paths, but at some point we all have a day 101 – where we must choose to commit, or choose to quit – but a choice must be made. On that day, there should be no doubt what needs to happen.

common ground

“I am a firm believer; however, that we all truly desire the type of discipline it takes to get to something that we perceive to be ‘out of reach.’ “

As much as there are both subtle and not-so-subtle differences between the billions of us that wander around paying for things on this planet there are a few things we all want, need, and deserve.

Without getting into the obvious physical needs like food & water, shelter, love, companionship, and all the things that make the social creatures that we are feel safe, I think we all need, AND want, discipline.

Naturally, none of us enjoy being disciplined by an outside party – we figure that out from a young age, and it’s no stretch of the imagination to conclude that we; as humans, are wired for convenience. Convenience; after all, is what we’ve built the more positive aspects of our civilization on.

We examine each other, and we determine where we belong in some grand pecking order. We see fashionistas and luxury cars and we assume the person who has these things has a level intelligence, status, or privilege before we conduct ourselves according to how those things make us feel – be it jealousy, respect, adoration, frustration, or some other emotion. We might paint a picture of a perfect life in our minds because we can’t picture any other way to attain this status, or we might assume the worst of someone, secretly accusing them of hoarding wealth or manipulating people for their own greed. We might even feel that they deserve these things – but no matter how we feel, we’re wired to react – and for most of us, a sarcastic toned ‘must be nice…‘ enters our minds.

I am a firm believer; however, that we all truly desire the type of discipline it takes to get to something that we perceive to be ‘out of reach.’ We may not all have a burning desire to drive a late model Mercedes and wear designer clothes. I mean, personally I’m not motivated by these specific things, but I wouldn’t pass them up if they became available to me. I feel successful – maybe I’d like to appear that way as well… but I’m driven by other things.

When I ran my first half-marathon in 2022, I did it because it was hard, and out of reach. I built a training program and I stuck to it, and saw success from the discipline required to follow that plan. When race day finally came, it wasn’t an accomplishment at all – it was the icing on the cake. I didn’t want a participation medal, I wanted to be able to run 22kms and I opted to give myself a deadline by which to do it. In other words, I wanted to gain the tools for success and use them.

I’ve written, recorded, and released multiple albums as a songwriter and guitar player in rock & roll bands, and I have a list of records I’ve made that I’d like to outdo. The one I’m about to release is the best in my opinion… but it won’t be long before it’s ‘the one to beat’ because that’s what you do when this is your pursuit. You keep going.

You might not want to run 22 kms straight, but I’m willing to bet that all of us want the kind of discipline it takes. I don’t want to run 22 kms anymore – I’ve done that. I’d like to go a little further.

Now, I’ll be the first to say that running isn’t for everyone. Running wasn’t for me either… until it was. For some people, the half marathon is more of a metaphor for their trajectory at their job, or their artistic endeavors, or just to inject some activity into their lives – but we all want that inspiration to get up and do what’s in us to do, and the discipline to see it through to the next mile marker, whatever it is.

We can all have that.
We just have to start.

Inspiration can get you started, but discipline is what takes over when inspiration fades.

Speaking of trajectory… I’m in the throes of some life adjustments at work that I’m bound to elaborate on in the near future, but I will say that it involves some periodic travel, and that when I am the one arranging my own travel, I’ll be doing so in a slightly different fashion that was done this week.

After setting the clocks ahead an hour last week, I also lost another hour traveling to Winnipeg on Monday, which would have netted me a 3.5 hour slumber on Monday night had I got up to train in the hotel weight room. I did not do that, and slept 5 hours instead (which was still not enough). This is just what it is this week, so I’m not beating myself up about it – just doing what I can when I can.

Spring is in the air but winter is hanging on for dear life. I can almost taste those outdoor running sessions.

getting granular

“I choose to get granular. I know what the bigger picture is for my health journey and I know how it’s going. It’s good to ‘zoom out’ and acknowledge how far you’ve come as a way of encouraging yourself, or rather myself – but fine-tuning your practice and measuring results requires a detailed perspective… that extra couple reps, that extra few minutes of meditation, that faster lap, that extra page of writing, and extra half hour earlier you wake up…”

We’re all doing our best. I have to believe that and this is not the first time I’ve espoused such a notion. Even those people you disagree with that seem to be waiting in the shadows of the internet; ever ready to pounce on your good vibes are doing their best. Their best what? Beats me – but they truly believe they’re making a difference in their world, just as I do, and although I may disagree with the tactics they use and the viewpoint they broadcast, we do have that little shred of commonality.

I know I can’t change those people’s minds, and I know they won’t change mine. I can only change my perception of them, and the method by which I react – and if they have nothing but negative talk for me then I must acknowledge this:

“You will never find a hater that works harder than you” – David Goggins.

As much as David Goggins is liable to record himself reciting the hateful rhetoric of his online critics and listen to them while he works out, (and I am not going to do that) I will say that he has chosen how to react in his way, and I choose how to react in mine.

I choose to get granular. I know what the bigger picture is for my health journey and I know how it’s going. It’s good to ‘zoom out’ and acknowledge how far you’ve come as a way of encouraging yourself, or rather myself – but fine-tuning your practice and measuring results requires a detailed perspective… that extra couple reps, that extra few minutes of meditation, that faster lap, that extra page of writing, and extra half hour earlier you wake up…

I find that the number one criticism I receive; while fully acknowledging that it’s only criticism if I decide I’m being criticized, is people saying ‘that’s too extreme’ or that I should ‘take a break’. What I know now – today – is that I’ll take a break when I deem it appropriate, and that ‘extreme’ is a relative term. I can’t be measured by anyone’s yardstick but my own, and I seek satisfaction in knowing that I’m pushing myself to be better. There’s a more-than-good chance that I’m being encouraged to ingest some sort of chill pill; not because I need one, but because my efforts are making other people question their own discipline, and rather than intensifying their game, they’d prefer to see me de-tensify mine. That’s their struggle, I guess – but it doesn’t have to be mine.

So I’ll tell you right now:
If you want to weigh your food in order to track calories or macros better, do it. If you want to build muscle, do it.
If you want to run longer, do it.
If you want to be more mindful, do it.
If you want to eat cleaner, do it.

The world is full of people who carry their regrets of a misspent youth around with them, but taking action means you can leave those regrets in the rear view.

That means a being better athlete, a better writer, a better singer, a better guitar player, a better friend, a better mentor, a better partner, a better father, a better worker… I might be extreme compared to some people, but certainly not compared to others. For all I know, you could be looking at me thinking I’m not doing enough.

Just try to remember, everyone’s out here doing their best.
Me included.

This week has been solid. I’ve been pushing my speed on the track, and some heavy weights on the bench, and it’s been great. These hard workouts are a means to justify some weekend rest time, because aside from the workouts, I’m in a new position at work now and my brain has been pan-seared by the end of the week, and in need of some artistic expression.

So it’s been 4 intense days, with some calorie cutting and dietary fine-tuning, and some much needed attention to some other matters around the house that will set me up for success in the future.

Once it’s the snow melts and we’re back outside, there’ll be a 5th day for trail running. Can’t wait.

longer days

“We’re not there yet, and thus we can’t live there yet – but this IS a time of preparation and I am ready to enjoy that preparation as well. We live here, in this preparation time, and it’s okay for you to love it. It’s only going to happen once.”

December 21st is the shortest day of the year, and it’s starting to become a little more obvious now that despite brief sucker-punches of bone-chilling weather, spring is coming. I know it’ll be the middle of May before anything really comes close to being dependable in the forecast but seeing that sun come up and stay up a little longer makes me think about what’s to come.

I’m 6 weeks out from a new album release and we have a single being tracked throughout Canada, which means the phone is starting to ring and the inbox is filling up with booking opportunities. Hopefully you’re hearing the new single and seeing it in your algorithm wherever you are… and if you’re not, perhaps you will, and if you don’t perhaps you’ll experience the next single which is due to come out on the 6th of April.

I’m grateful for the still-dark early mornings that remain mine. I only share them with the other early morning gym rats who have no idea who I am outside of that facility and I like it that way. A few people there know I play music but most don’t, and that’s okay. The gym is not a social club, at least not at 6am when I am arriving there.

It’s time to finish up a few projects on my 1962 Ford Fairlane 500 and prepare for the driving season. I aim to maximize my time in the driver’s seat of that car this year, as I’ve got some lost time to make up for with that car. The most special part of that is seeing the hard work I’ve put in over the winter pay off. For all I know at this point, I’ll sell that car this year – I mean, I have no plan to, but I try to stay fluid with these things, and honestly that kind of cash injection could really make a difference in another old car. That all remains to be seen.

All this to say that there are seasons to life, and we’re rounding one out – one that’s hard and busy, and it’s leading us into the spring & summer when the days get longer and we play outdoors, drive cool cars, and enjoy what life has to offer.

We’re not there yet, and thus we can’t live there yet – but this IS a time of preparation and I am ready to enjoy that preparation as well. We live here, in this preparation time, and it’s okay for you to love it. It’s only going to happen once.

finding the edges

As I round out the first couple of months of 2023, I am ultimately content with my progress as it pertains to physical fitness (despite some inevitable frustration with the speed of that progress, but hey!). The reason I am content with my progress is because it IS progress, and in order to feel the way I want to feel, I need to be pushing forward.

I’m not opposed to rest & recovery. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about personal challenges within my vocation. I’m talking about writing better, lifting heavier, playing guitar more proficiently, helping my contemporaries at work to deal with challenging situations and learning from them. I’m at my best when I’m actively engaged in what I am doing and who I am with, and I wager that you’re no different.

I’ve learned that nobody wants to see a ‘pretty good’ rock & roll band, they want to see a great rock & roll band – a truly exceptional rock & roll band, for that matter. In the same way, my girlfriend doesn’t want to have a conversation with me when I am distracted by a TV show or a social media post; not when she could have an honest, engaging discussion with me – she wants to be reminded that she’s more important than whatever content I am consuming.

It’s too easy to live a life of leisure; to enjoy the fruits of your labor without any plan to return to work. As humans, we’re predisposed to this, likely due to some evolutionary trait that permitted us to be content with a certain set of comfortable circumstances. Personally; and I know this is common to many people – I’m happy as a clam being on vacation, but there IS a point at which lazing about reaches it’s limit, and the need to accomplish something kicks in. This is why I’ve gradually fallen in love with making a plan. “Finding the edges” is a crucial part of this, because we need to know what the limitations of our capabilities are, particularly if we’re going to push or stretch them and avoid complacency.

Complacency is what happens when we stop rising to meet new challenges and succumb to the comforts of life. We accept the reality with which we’re presented and have a hard time seeing beyond it because we’ve stopped looking. For many people, this is retirement, but for most of us it means giving in to a lifestyle that isn’t necessarily easy, but that we’ve decided we’re okay navigating. This might look like a paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle… it might look like retirement… or it might look like sleeping in a ravine in a makeshift tent and spending your day scheming to get a fix to numb your pain.

We all share this humanity, and some compassion is required in order to navigate these waters… but maybe that’s a post for another day.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Plans change. They can change and they will change – and it’s only when there is no plan that change is particularly hard or uncomfortable.

Training this week has been reasonably solid. My work schedule has changed a bit, and with the advent of subscribing to a Monday-Friday work schedule for the first time in over a decade, a few regularly occurring things on the calendar have been shuffled out of necessity.

If anything, my workouts are longer somehow. Monday (which I took off this week w/ the Family Day long weekend), as well as Thursday and Saturday are long endurance days. A solid 60 – 75 minutes of running. Tuesday and Friday are weight lifting days, as they historically have been, but with an endurance component as well, which is divvied up between the stair-climber, the stationary bike, the rowing machine, and the tank. Wednesday & Sunday are rest days.

I’m also making an effort to spend some time stretching and doing some isolated core work on a gym mat at the end of each of the 5 sessions. I’m sure I will reap the rewards of that in time, but for the moment I’m just trying to make sure I get it done.

This should get me into outdoor running season, but things are constantly changing and fine-tuning. It’s a process.

the late bloomer

“A lot of my foolish teenage dreams came back when I got my health back, except now I’m 40, and I have the discipline and artistic fortitude to chase them. “

I know I’m probably not alone in this, but for as far back as I can remember, I’ve been misunderstood, or at best, taken out of context with some regularity. The fact that a person with those sorts of credentials spends any time uploading creative works to the internet is a mystery, even to me – but here we are.

I suppose somewhere between my 40 year old body and my brain that operates at the same level it did when I was 17, it can be expected. I’ve spent a good amount of time in my life being various forms of fucked-up, and have ultimately been hell-bent on consumption of everything from high-fructose corn syrup to pain pills, and washed them all down with liquor, beer & wine. I would say upsetting things, and the frequency at which I was resonating was so low I’m surprised I didn’t stop existing altogether. But that didn’t happen.

I cleaned up – in all the different ways. I got my health in check and my food sources in check and at this point I’ve never been so clear as I am right now, and I’ve also never been so misunderstood by so many people – and that misunderstanding likely either comes from the fact that (a) most of the people around me have only known the hazy, inebriated version of me, or (b) those people are hazy versions of themselves. Now; regardless of whether they fall under category (a) or (b), they’re gradually having to get used to the version of me that is driven, motivated, and disciplined. I understand that it’s a bit bewildering for those people, assuming they care enough to give it a second thought.

What can I say – I’m a Confusionaire.

Scattered throughout the fields of bewildered people are a few folks in my life who are excited by these changes. I keep these people close – or at least as close as an introverted guy like me can. I play it pretty close to the chest, which is either a natural inclination, or a defense mechanism – I’m not sure which, but I do manage to let a few people through.

I wasn’t joking when I said my brain functions the way it did when I was 17. A lot of my foolish teenage dreams came back when I got my health back, except now I’m 40, and I have the discipline and artistic fortitude to chase them. Some of you might be reading this and thinking “mid-life crisis” but I’m not talking about buying a sportscar and picking up women half my age. I’m talking about re-realizing my purpose – but when it feels like so many of my contemporaries are moving in the opposite direction, I am most certainly the outlier among my peers. It bothered me for a while… but I really can’t be too concerned with that anymore.

I like the term “late bloomer” – I subscribe to that.

If any of this resonates with you then you might be a late bloomer, too. I think it’s a thing to be proud of despite how easy it is to look and your low-frequency years as ‘wasted time.’ That’s not wasted time at all. That’s a blessing… and an incubation period. Truth-be-told, if I was always healthy in my body and my mind, I’d probably have taken it for granted – but since it’s a newfound hope and a new opportunity to push myself beyond my limits, it’s absolutely everything to me.

I wish everyone felt this way.

I’ve been traveling this week, and working some long-ass hours with one of those people who got excited by the changes I’ve been making. If you are friends with me on Facebook then you might know that I’m leveling up in the company I work for, and that my band is releasing our finest album to date. Saying that I have a lot going on is an understatement.

Through that, I’ve been able to maintain a level of physical fitness in the fitness room of the hotel I’ve been staying in. I’ve maintained my weightlifting routine, and I have been running with the usual regularity, but not for the lengths of time I’d like to. That can change in the future though, because I’m largely rolling on someone else’s timetable this week…

My boss, a great man who’s had a lot of influence over my professional trajectory, is retiring, and the company has seen fit to offer me his role in the company. I’ve been spending the week training with him, and even though he’s a quarter-century ahead of me, and retiring… he’s not here to fuck around.

I’m proud of where I am, and where I am going… even though after the job is fully mine I’ll be able to go for longer runs. lol.

trauma

“Trauma is not just bad things happening to you.
It’s also good things not happening to you.”

Trauma might be the biggest 6 letter word of 2022… and maybe 2023 since we’re right in there now. I’m not sure if it’s my own algorithm treating me to a nice, shiny shovel with which to dig into my own psyche or if it’s actually everywhere, but it’s certainly a thing to be aware of.

Trauma is most often defined as anything that guides or reroutes neuropathways in the brain, and is completely experiential. That means: a thing happened to you and it changed the way you think. Typically a trauma response is something you implement to prevent yourself from experiencing that situation (or one like it) again, and it’s an understatement to say that most of these situations happen to you as a child or some other variation of young person. This is a time of great brain development and it’s a given that your brain has adapted to your bad experiences just as it has your good experiences and your educational experiences.

But trauma is not just bad things happening to you.
It’s also good things not happening to you.

The hard part of acknowledging trauma in your life is concluding that your parents had something to do with it. And basically, you’re right – they did, just as you as an adult likely have something to do with the trauma of your own children, perhaps your nieces & nephews – but assigning blame isn’t the point. Well, not always. To be trauma-free would make you an outlier in this world.

*** if you’re dealing with serious trauma from childhood you should talk to a professional who can guide you through it.

We’re all sculpted by our experiences in this life, and we’re all graced with a unique view of the world as a result. Often times our world view is what limits us and prevents us from success, just as there are many people who are propelled forward by those same factors.

My personal challenge has been to change my world view. I obviously can’t change my experiences, but I can change my reactions to them. I can use them to grow and see things in a new way, I can redefine what terms like success and growth mean to me after years of simply accepting the status quo. I won’t say it’s easy and it’s certainly not instantaneous.

But… I choose growth.