Tag: canadian athlete

on the train

I have not been training as hard this summer as last summer… and it took a while, but I’m fine with it. This summer I worked on my car, painted a couple rooms in my house, and took on various construction projects at home… not to mention a new job and a few gigs… songwriting… some family things… and yes, even some training.

Completing a good number of things things I’ve done have brought about a sense of accomplishment, but that sense of accomplishment is fleeting. I recently heard an interview with Light Watkins wherein he states that the level of happiness you are feeling right now is the same level you will feel after completing a task – and it resonated with me very clearly because I know exactly what that means. To tackle a problem is great – but another problem will soon obstruct you, and the only way you can truly increase your happiness is to pursue your purpose.

So yes, it was a great summer, but I am back on the training train – and if I’m completely honest, part of why I am okay with not training so hard through the summer is because I am back to it now, to the degree that brings me the most joy.

That’s not to say that training is my purpose, but training does bring about an alignment of values – of heart, soul, and mind – and conditions me to be at my best physical shape when I am realizing my purpose. My actual purpose is one of service in the arts, but if I am polluted and out of shape, I will inevitably short-change the recipients of that service, be it at my day job or in my songwriting and performance career.

All in all, It feels so good to have reclaimed my routine of endurance, even if it has cost me part of my evening routine by way of an early bedtime… sorta. (it will once the lack of sleep catches up with me).

I have a full life, with great hobbies and great people in my life – but if I am not at my best, then I cannot give my best, and nobody wants the fractional version of me.

the gears

I’m at a point where someone who had my trust lost it, and wants it back. It’s a truly strange time of life, because typically when these things happen there are a lot of feelings involved, and a reluctance to want to put yourself in the line of fire a second time – but at this time in my life, and in my unique relationship with this person, I want to enthusiastically give that trust back.

There are a few reasons that this is different, but the primary reason I want to give the trust back is: service.

I’m in a position of leadership, and contrary to what most people think when they think of leadership, leading is a service and I want this person to know that holding back trust serves no one. I want to give them that and I want them to give it in the future, because when someone wrongs you or breaks your trust and is truly remorseful over it, that remorse is a greater teacher than I can ever be. There’s no need to “give ’em the gears” when they’ve given themselves the gears, it is not help for them, and it certainly does me no good to put someone through the rigors of gaining my satisfaction in their pain.

Forgiveness and sorrow are not what I thought they were. When I am sorry, it is because I have sorrow – and when I forgive, it’s not because I am satisfied with the level of atonement someone else has reached – I forgive so that the person asking forgiveness can let themselves off the hook for what they’ve done. I am telling them they can stop punishing themselves.

Now, I did not conclude this overnight.

These things do take time, and I’ll never say they don’t – but I will say that they shouldn’t take longer than necessary. We can too easily use guilt as leverage for control over one another, which becomes nefarious overtime. The last thing I want to be in anyone’s life is the villain, so I strive to be a positive entity – One who serves the situation and the person.

So when they are truly ready, I must also be ready.

one hundred

“This is my 100th post. I never really imagined what this blog would become… “

This is my 100th post. I never really imagined what this blog would become… originally I just set out to write a little around training for a triathlon and working to be a better person… but I suppose time passes, too. I’m glad to still be writing, even though I often wonder what I should say that I haven’t said already, or how this will evolve.

I’m happy to have maintained the practice of writing this, and am happy for the other practices I’ve adopted along the way. Originally there was a video component that was a bit ambitious, and thus fizzled out after the triathlon in 2021 but I’m not opposed to reintroducing something a little more off-the-cuff at some point.

I did the things I wanted to do. Lu and I did the triathlon course, and I ran the half marathon last year. I’m moving into other fitness disciplines and working on my car. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to take an inventory of the last 2 years but if you’ve been reading along, you’ll know that I’m also a bit of a fan of the 12 step method of recovery, so here we are.

This blog has been side-line to a triathlon, a half-marathon, most of a pandemic, the writing and recording of an album, an amazing rekindling of relationship between myself and my environment AND between myself and my car, the entire life of my beautiful dog, and a couple of birthdays. Even as I write this my then-12 year old is creeping up on being a 15 year old, and my girlfriend hasn’t aged a day. In fact, her and I are both younger than we were when we started.

Who knows where this adventure will take us?

Thanks for reading along, and to the several of you who’ve weighed in – thank you especially.

easy does it

“I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be.”

There’s nothing quite quite so humbling and self reflective as someone’s uninhibited criticism of you. Even when the emotion is removed, there are nuggets of truth, or at very least nuggets of perception – but even then, someone else’s perception of you is always the truth to them.

If someone is mean to me; especially if it happens on multiple occasions, it’s no stretch for me to conclude that the person in question is mean. The fact that other people love them and can be vulnerable and safe with them doesn’t change my perception. So, when I act the way I act and someone finds it smug or distasteful… well… I am those things.

I know I can’t govern how I’m perceived. I can only control my actions and reactions – so I naturally move forward with a newfound sensitivity to how I might be behaving – at least for a while – and in the meantime I try to create a new habit or a new outlook that is move loving and inclusive. It’s a tall order for an introvert such as myself but there’s no reason why I can’t learn this new behavior as an individual – after all, we as a society do this all the time. There are a lot of words and phrases that we’ve said that are no longer acceptable to say in polite company. We collectively gave our heads a shake and made some improvements.

My issues are more behavioral though. I know I can come on a bit strong and I’m pretty hard to argue with on certain topics – but I can learn to have a little more grace. I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be. The last thing I ever want to do is make an enemy out of a friend, or negatively impact someone’s life so badly that they consciously decide to run hard in the opposite direction, not only physically but spiritually.

To carry that guilt would be the absolute worst.

Truth is, I can have a little more grace with myself, too. I honestly get the worst of my own criticism and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who is my own worst critic. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way – the most disciplined, the most hardcore, the smartest, the strongest, the best musician, the most poetic, the most impactful, the most available and the most efficient.

What I have learned recently is that I find things that save me and I envelope myself in them. Veganism. Music. Endurance Sport. Most recently: My Car. These things come to me when I need them most and I throw in hard with them to a point of obsession. I’ve done so negative things as well… junk food… booze… pills… and I have become the worst example of humanity available at the time.

But I still look myself in the mirror and am ultimately grateful for the fucked up weirdo I was, because that fucked up weirdo got me here… and I should go easy on him.

And if I can extend grace to my worst critic… then I can extend grace to anyone.

So… easy does it.

dealing with it

“I’m fine doing the work that needs to be done, but that work takes time and that time was already precious and in demand before it was redirected to the tasks at hand. “

In the aftermath of a hard time, there’s a cautious optimism that weaves it’s way through chaos. It’s almost undetectable unless you’re specifically looking for it, but it’s there. That feeling that bubbles up from god-knows-where as you figuratively look at the metaphorical wreckage of what once was, and picture it more grand and beautiful than ever.

This is what I’ve been hanging onto lately. I mentioned in recent weeks that we were caught in the blast radius of some undesired situation. I’m elated to say that the dust has settled and swept aside, and the rebuild is most certainly underway.

That said; and I know exactly how selfish this is going to seem, I am remorseful for the way things were before the event took place. I’m fine doing the work that needs to be done, but that work takes time and that time was already precious and in demand before it was redirected to the tasks at hand. What’s actually amazing about the whole ordeal is how much time I was able to redirect – it actually makes me feel like I was wasting a lot of time before, because I really don’t understand how I’ve been able to come up with so much of it – but I DEFINITELY know what I want to do with that time as it makes it’s way back to me.

All this to say that I am always learning, always improving, and even when it sucks the most – always taking care of what needs my attention.

All in all – I’m happy.
I’m happy to be improving the situation, I’m happy that I’m learning more about myself, and I’m happy learning how to better deal with and lead through adversity. I’m happy to be embracing a role of service to the people around me.

Whether I like the task in the moment, I am living my purpose.
I am aligned.

rolling with it

“I’m reminded that good changes are not any easier than the changes that are hard on us. They all require a bit of resilience and strength to keep pushing forward. “

It’s a widely acknowledged thought that change is hard. Life is hard, really… but when everything is hard, then nothing is.

You might not like that sentence. I don’t really like that sentence, but as I pick my own words apart, I’m reminded that good changes are not any easier than the changes that are hard on us. They all require a bit of resilience and strength to keep pushing forward.

As I write this, I’m plagued with examples – the most simplistic of which is that a few years back when I dropped over 160lbs, I had to furnish myself with a new wardrobe, which was a task I wasn’t really financially prepared to deal with in one fell swoop (as as many of us seldom are). The truth of the matter is that if I had gained weight, I’d be in the same situation – maybe a little sadder about it, but the way my pocketbook would be affected would be the same.

Covid-19 got us all trying to wrap our heads around what ‘the new normal’ was going to be and after 2 or 3 years when it was time to start reclaiming the lost pieces of our social lives, it was harder than going into whatever form of ‘lock-down’ your region was facing. I know live music fans who are still less-than-comfortable with being in large groups indoors AND outdoors, and those are just the ones willing to admit it.

I’ve been dealing with change in my life and in my home and although the net result is positive, it does take a toll. On the day-to-day, I’m actually great. I recognize my little victories and I try to help the people around me to do the same – not by writing about it on the internet – but by actually listening to them and trying to speak optimistic truth into their lives, perhaps an occasional good deed. It feels good to do those things, which I believe is an alignment of purpose with the self (I don’t do it to feel good, but it feels good to do it… if it was painful, no one would do it). But if you had intimate knowledge of all my challenges that I have to roll with, and stepped back for the broad-view of my life you’d probably conclude that I’ve got a lot on my plate.

I can’t dwell on the negative.
I mean… I can, but it doesn’t serve me anymore.
I lead a rich and full life, and I am constantly changing and evolving… sometimes it’s hard, but it’s always good.

do hard things

“There is an amazing series of events that happens when you identify something you can’t do, and then choose to take it on anyway. there are countless examples of this in all of our lives, because there’s a pretty good chance that if you are good at something, you probably spent some time sucking at it.”

There is an amazing series of events that happens when you identify something you can’t do, and then choose to take it on anyway. there are countless examples of this in all of our lives, because there’s a pretty good chance that if you are good at something, you probably spent some time sucking at it… and for some reason, likely either through the enjoyment of the activity or through identifying the merits of performing such a task.

The example I come to when I think of this is running.

Now, I used to weigh 340lbs and be asthmatic, and if you’ve known me for any real stretch of time then you know that I am by definition, a late bloomer. In other words, running isn’t JUST a thing I ever thought I’d be able to do recreationally – it’s something that I never even wanted to attempt.

Until I did. I literally started running because it’s hard.

I had taken a few small measures to eat cleaner and I dropped a couple pounds and had an infusion of energy – so I opted to put that energy to good use.

It took some serious TIME and MILEAGE to get where I am now, but at this point if I don’t run at least 3km, then I didn’t run at all, because that’s when I start sweating. A 8km – 10km run is a pretty energizing start to the day, and if I want to run the tank dry then I’ll keep going to 14km, maybe more.

That time and mileage is important – it’s where the discipline was adopted and strengthened, because I know just as well as anyone else does – if you want to climb the ziggurat, you must start with the first step. The first step for me was finding a ‘Couch-to-5km’ program on the internet. There are a million of them and they’re all roughly the same, but what programs like this give you is a guided process.

You don’t have to run. You can do something else, but you do have to start.
What you do is up to you, but to stretch yourself beyond what you’re currently capable of doing is always amazing.

When I was obese, asthmatic, depressed… existence was hard. Waking up in the morning was hard. Everything was hard… but I soon concluded (similar to a linchpin line in a cartoon I saw once, stating that ‘when everyone is a superhero, then no one is’) that when everything is hard, then nothing is.