Tag: self help

bracing for festivity

“What I know of my own behavior as a consumer is that it has developed it’s own selfish tendencies, partly as a defense mechanism and partly as an unwitting and occasionally problematic habit, so it’s not hard for me to confirm that, yes – my blind willingness to stay home and eat brownies on the couch rather than put on a nice sweater and exchange pleasantries…”

As we encroach on the season of giving (used here in a fit of irony and humor as we’re all quite aware that this season of giving has been co-opted and rebranded as “shopping season” as though there was a season that wasn’t predicated on spending money), I can already feeling myself recoiling into my couch, here in my safe domicile where I am protected by warm slippers, and even warmer dog, and even warmer vegan baking.

Why am I so reluctant? I may blame the cold, and the cold may have earned it’s fair share of blame, but I know at my core that I am a social creature by nature. And if it is by nature that I am social then it should come naturally as the term indicates, so again I ask myself (in greater analytical detail): what unnatural urge has beset me that I am so keen to draw the shades and hide from the outside world? It’s only the 25th of November and I am already feeling the post-holiday malaise.

Let’s excavate. What I know of my own behavior as a consumer is that I’ve developed selfish tendencies, partly as a defense mechanism and partly as a coping mechanism, I’m sure, so it’s not hard for me to confirm that, yes – my blind willingness to stay home and eat brownies on the couch rather than put on a nice sweater and exchange pleasantries with other people in the spirit of the season, where I will permit myself to talk about myself, but not too much, and then allow someone else to talk about themselves – careful not to interrupt, or change the subject back to something I find more interesting.

That sounds like a lot of work. Even my vague and figurative explanation of what might transpire is a bit cynical in nature, which reinforces my desire to hide.

The truth; however, is that I am resistant to engage with people.
Why?
Because people exhaust me.
Why?
Because people only want to talk about themselves.
Why is that a problem?
Because I want to talk about me.
Why?
So that I can control the narrative about myself.
…
So that they don’t draw their own conclusions.
…
Because I want to be accepted.
And loved.

That’s right – There’s a strong likelihood that I don’t want to go socialize because I want to be accepted. Sounds like a contradiction, doesn’t it?
This is starting to sound like an exhausted parent telling a child why we can’t go out for ice cream: “We don’t have to go out to be accepted and loved, we have acceptance and love at home.“

So we’re back to square one, reframing the same question in more and more critical ways to point out our own unwillingness to change: Is my resistance really me, or is it some mish mash of hormones and laziness enabling me to embrace my ill-informed preference? Knowing that tomorrow I’ll feel completely left out, especially after I log in to Instagram and see the myriad of photos of people I know enjoying a function I opted out of and not really being consoled by the minor dopamine hit that I might get from the half-dozen likes I got on the picture of my dog I might post instead.

It’s happened before. I’ve quit jobs, bands, and clubs in the past and then promptly; as if on cue, felt left out as though the situation wasn’t of my own design.

I ought to go put that sweater on and drag a brush across my head.
God forbid I accidentally connect with someone.

diagnostics

I’m familiar with the concept of digging deep. Chances are pretty solid that if you read this blog semi-regularly that you are, too. We’re all just trying to do a little better, aren’t we?

That’s why whether I’m sourcing a peculiar noise coming from my ’62 fairlane or I’m trying to assess why I can’t run as far today as I could last week, I know that a certain amount of deconstruction is required – in some cases, the literal taking-apart of a machine in order to assess the internal issue, and often repair some damage before careful reassembly is done so that you can find out if your hunch was right or not, totally risking the fact that you might have to do it again in the event you were wrong (because after all, being wrong is part of learning).

I have 100% been there and I will 100% return there at some point, but I am also certain that I will be a better person for it. If I can’t come away from the situation without some nugget of knowledge to share, or compassion to extend to someone else who’s also struggling, then opportunity was lost in the process.

We’re not talking about cars anymore, are we?

Sure we are – but that logic extends beyond 60-year old steel. Beyond skin & bones & calories & deficits, and into our connection to each other as human beings. Sure, I’ll gravitate towards like-minded people with similar hobbies to myself but I’m not always sure I have any real influence on them. I’ll wonder if I am honestly enriching the lives of the people close to me, or do I have a better effect on people who don’t know me, and aren’t aware of my laundry list of flaws?

Sometimes this is referred to as ‘hometown prophet syndrome’ and I experience it as a musician constantly. I’ll always love playing shows on tour more than in my hometown, because my hometown has seen me at my busiest, most distracted, worst, drunkest, and most debaucherously defunct, whereas a few hours down the road, they know me as someone who’s always been good, always been present, and has never had a conflicting engagement keeping me away. I imagine that it’s for the same reason that my own kid will never really think I’m cool… that’s not my role.

I have no resolve for that, it’s more a steam of consciousness flowing out of my fingers as I sit here. I didn’t really even intend for this post to go in that direction – but I will continue to peel back the layers, and try to do better, and be better.

I suppose it doesn’t matter who I can help, as long as I can help.

escaping reality

“I’m beginning to find some balance between escapism and reality and it’s mostly because I am both wrapped up in a busy life, and emotionally supported. “

Once upon a time I was a kid, and through a strange set of circumstances, I acquired a guitar. It cost me 8 months of flyer delivery and it saved my teenage life. In service of that, I elected to learn absolutely everything I possibly could about the instrument and I got really good at it. Still am.

This became the template. I dove in deep with various girls what would receive my attention, booze, pills, vintage automobiles, rock & roll bands, fitness, and food. Clearly not all of these things are bad things, but they’re not all good things either.

I’m beginning to find some balance between escapism and reality and it’s mostly because I am both wrapped up in a busy life, and emotionally supported. This isn’t the summer I wanted, but it seems to be the summer I needed. Through varying circumstances, I am not playing anywhere near as many shows as I’d hope to – but it seems fortunate that I am available to learn the ropes of a new job, and to navigate some changes at home, as well as contend with an injured drummer. I’ve also found the desired time to tend to my 1962 Ford Fairlane and get it up to snuff in a way it hasn’t been in a long time.

That Ford is also where I tend to escape to.

We all have our ways of coping with things and I know I am a project-based kind of person, so I’ve got no guilt around the balancing of my car and my obligations but I can almost smell my desire to just crawl under that car and stay there for days and just hide. The first indicator of that is my desire to work on it is greater than my desire to drive it, if only slightly. Don’t get me wrong, I want to drive the shit out of it (and I do!) but there is an immense sense of satisfaction that comes with taking something apart and putting it back together and making it work better by doing so.

As a father, I hope my kid gets bitten by this bug, too – if only because it’s been so helpful for me, but I have to understand and acknowledge that just because it worked well for me does not mean it will work well for everyone.

In other words, I want to have common interests with my child, but I fully understand that the work that needs to be done to maintain that is mine, not theirs.

So if this hobby stays mine, then it stays mine… but it still serves me, and helps me set myself straight so that I can serve others.

easy does it

“I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be.”

There’s nothing quite quite so humbling and self reflective as someone’s uninhibited criticism of you. Even when the emotion is removed, there are nuggets of truth, or at very least nuggets of perception – but even then, someone else’s perception of you is always the truth to them.

If someone is mean to me; especially if it happens on multiple occasions, it’s no stretch for me to conclude that the person in question is mean. The fact that other people love them and can be vulnerable and safe with them doesn’t change my perception. So, when I act the way I act and someone finds it smug or distasteful… well… I am those things.

I know I can’t govern how I’m perceived. I can only control my actions and reactions – so I naturally move forward with a newfound sensitivity to how I might be behaving – at least for a while – and in the meantime I try to create a new habit or a new outlook that is move loving and inclusive. It’s a tall order for an introvert such as myself but there’s no reason why I can’t learn this new behavior as an individual – after all, we as a society do this all the time. There are a lot of words and phrases that we’ve said that are no longer acceptable to say in polite company. We collectively gave our heads a shake and made some improvements.

My issues are more behavioral though. I know I can come on a bit strong and I’m pretty hard to argue with on certain topics – but I can learn to have a little more grace. I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be. The last thing I ever want to do is make an enemy out of a friend, or negatively impact someone’s life so badly that they consciously decide to run hard in the opposite direction, not only physically but spiritually.

To carry that guilt would be the absolute worst.

Truth is, I can have a little more grace with myself, too. I honestly get the worst of my own criticism and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who is my own worst critic. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way – the most disciplined, the most hardcore, the smartest, the strongest, the best musician, the most poetic, the most impactful, the most available and the most efficient.

What I have learned recently is that I find things that save me and I envelope myself in them. Veganism. Music. Endurance Sport. Most recently: My Car. These things come to me when I need them most and I throw in hard with them to a point of obsession. I’ve done so negative things as well… junk food… booze… pills… and I have become the worst example of humanity available at the time.

But I still look myself in the mirror and am ultimately grateful for the fucked up weirdo I was, because that fucked up weirdo got me here… and I should go easy on him.

And if I can extend grace to my worst critic… then I can extend grace to anyone.

So… easy does it.

meditation

I’ve had a meditation practice in play for a couple years – however at times it’s felt haphazard to a point that I might have called it a seasonal practice at some point, because with the advent of long runs (meditative as they can be) a few things took a back seat to a few extra minutes of running time. This practice for me has regained it’s priority status as of late and it’s made a significant impact on my life.

When the snow so abruptly arrived to the Edmonton area, I attempted to regain my morning routine from the previous winter – but with an aim to improve. A few changes in my schedule made this difficult, but I do aspire to maintain it even when it feels like I’m running to catch up to it.

Anyway… It just so happens that a popular podcaster and well-known scientist, Andrew Huberman, compiled some data and spit if out in (mostly) a language I can understand. That episode is right here and I recommend it.

I’m in no way affiliated with Andrew Huberman,
but he does some excellent deep-dives into some great topics…
some of which I just can’t ignore.

A few things that resonated with me include the difference & merits of interoception vs exteroception which is the difference between focusing inward (your heart beat, third eye, breathing, etc.) or focusing on something external (the horizon or any other singular object). He mentions that in order to get the full benefits of meditation, your practice can be as little as a few minutes per day – BUT that whether your focus is internal or external might be determined by the situation.

For me; a person who spends a lot of time in his own head, I’d likely benefit more from focusing on something outside of my body, like an object in the room. This is because focusing inward is not much of a challenge, and I’m less likely to hone my meditative skill. However, when I am feeling overwhelmed by a lot of commotion, such as when I’m sitting in a food court in the busiest mall in the city, introspection will help me center myself, as opposed to focusing on the commotion that is causing me to be overwhelmed.

The other thing – and it’s a big one – is the issue of distraction. He outlines that distraction is a given. In fact, that’s how the practice is strengthened – by course-correcting your thoughts back to your singular focus, and away from your work day or how hungry you are, etc.

Champion level meditators are not free of distraction. In fact, they become so adept at redirecting their attention back to their meditative practice from the myriad of distractions around us all the time that they seldom even register the shift. Essentially, what may seem like tuning out the outside world completely is the opposite, because the most experienced meditators are actually MORE aware of their surroundings than those of us who feel easily distracted.

In fact, if we shift our attention to the location of our ‘third eye’ (which is behind the front of our forehead) we’re bound to have random thoughts and emotions creep in, because that is the part of the brain responsible for perception – so to focus that part of the brain on itself is to remove all physical distraction, thereby opening the pathway from emotions, feelings, and thoughts to enter our minds and THUS providing us with something to shift our meditative focus away from – which; again, strengthens our practice.

It’s pretty heady stuff, and I’m not sure I’m doing it justice in my laymen explanations, honestly – but I did feel a massive boost in confidence in regards to my meditative practice, and I’m optimistic that you will as well if you throw a couple hours at this video. This is big particularly in this time of the year when there’s so much focus on improving ourselves.

It’s also bound to help those of us fighting off seasonal depression this time of year.

Training is seeing some changes. I’m opting for – you guessed it – more endurance time. This is not because I need more frequency, but because I need more long sessions with an elevated heartrate, so I know go for 80-90 minutes in Zone 2 on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday, with a 45 minute session on Friday. Weightlifting happens on Tuesday and Friday and rest days are Wednesday and Sunday.

These changes are always punishing in their infancy, but well warranted in the end. I know I have a few months before I can be back outside with any regularity but I don’t want to skip a beat when that day comes. I’m anticipating a fairly busy year, travel-wise and I look forward to it, but it will bring it’s workout-related challenges. I look forward to mastering this, as well. THAT SAID – if you’re reading this and you’re in the Grande Prairie area, consider swinging by the great northern casino to see Robin Kelly’s Elvis tribute act. I’ll be playing guitar for that.

I also have some pretty lofty goals this year… physically, artistically, and financially. One day at a time.