Davey

you are the one

I like to run, and I like to run long. I can do a 30-45 minute jog and feel okay about it, satisfied that I did what needed doing… but if I can get 90 minutes or more, then I’m happy.

Sometimes I run in total silence… these runs help me finish songs or solve vintage automobile problems, often because my headphones are dead.
Most times, I run with podcasts or audiobooks. Anything from Ernest Hemingway to David Goggins… Rich Roll, Andrew Huberman, et al. A lot of endurance athletes cut with philosophy, or science, 12-step, and the occasional novel to keep my brain in motion.

I invite and allow these things to speak wisdom and creativity into my life.

The recurring message I’ve been receiving as of late is “you are the one you’ve been waiting for.” I’ve taken to doing hard things as a physical challenge for some years now, but a couple months ago I decided to gamble on myself in a much more vulnerable way – with my art.

I booked my band (Confusionaires) into a theatre that would potentially put us in front of one of the biggest (indoor) audiences we’ve ever played for if we sold it out. Beyond that, the theatre organization didn’t book us…I booked us. I rented the room, and then proceeded to jump through every hoop in order to make the show happen. Then… as if that wasn’t enough, I did the same in 2 other smaller theatres.

A week before the shows, I got a ticket count from all 3 venue box offices, and found out that we’d moved enough tickets in presale that all my expenses were covered and then some. This alleviated a pile stress that I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I was never concerned with selling those venues out to capacity – but I thought it’d be nice if we made enough to (a) cover our expenses, and (b) help fund out tour in Mexico the following month. That’s the tour I’m on right now as this is being posted.

I rolled the dice on myself and I won. Nobody swooped in to save me because that wasn’t an option. Sure, I would have recovered from the financial setback eventually, but that’s not the point. The point is that I set out to break new ground, and I did – and in so doing I’ve elevated the status of The Confusionaires beyond where we’d previously been. We’ve established our value as an artistic entity of value, and I couldn’t e more proud – not only of myself for pushing my own envelope – but to my boys Jayson & Adam for delivering a show worthy of the ticket price we were asking for.

Some really great things are coming for this band and I’m excited to share them as they get closer to their reveal date.

I am the one I was waiting for.

long hauls

As this is being posted, I am now on tour with my band in Mexico, and as much as I look forward to writing about my experiences touring there when I return, this post and next week’s post are both written well in advance.

The shows I played in the latter half of 2023 were limited in quantity due to unforeseen circumstances. I don’t think I played live at all between Mid July & October, but since December 1st I’ve played 9 live shows in Alberta and am in the midst of playing 8 live shows in Mexico. In between, I’ve had numerous rehearsals and have had to travel for work, as well.

My family has been beyond patient.

Ultimately, we all understand that this level of business is good. The Confusionaires are in demand, and are raising their profile. We can expect some reprieve after this trip, which we’ll likely use to record. Bookings are coming in for summer & fall of 2024 already and that will give us something to look forward to, in addition to another exciting music-related thing that’s happening all the while. By mid April my day job will calm down considerably as well, as our year end will be dealt with.

This level of change has been uncomfortable, sure, but this level of change is what we’ve been working toward. The band is really solid and increasing in value steadily, but the 3 of us understand that every day is a gift and that opportunities need to be seized… and that opportunities are work.

I’m feeling a great level of gratitude for what I’ve been given here, between the songs I’ve been fortunate to write and the people I’m blessed to make music with.

I think complaining is easy, especially when things are uncomfortable, but it’s not lost on me that pressure, stress, friction, and time are all the elements required to make diamonds, thunderstorms, flowers, and all manner of beautiful things and that if I were being spared from dealing with these elements, that I would be upset that nothing was improving.

I am truly grateful for what I have, and where I am… in part because where I am is always moving.

open eyes

A few old pals started a punk band called Open Eyes, but that’s not what this is about.

I’ve lived a few lives, as we all have. I consider myself to be a young man but that is really an assertion made by comparison – like, my dad thinks I’m young and my daughter does not… so after kicking around this rock for 4 decades ‘n change I’ve gone through the cycle of life & rebirth a few times, and I’ve recently had my eyes open to my addictive tendencies and I’ve even gone so far as to do something about it.

It’s when I’m in the company of other addicts who have not made those same assertions that I am completely rocked by reality. It’s shocking to me to be faced with these things, for everyone around to know there is a sizable problem and for no one to do anything – mind you, it’s not everyone’s place to do something so much as it is the addict’s place to ask for help – but in a case like the one I’m thinking of, the need for intervention is palpable. The person in question was a newcomer to the group. Not a newcomer in the sense of someone we’d brought in, but more in the sense that he’d injected himself into the group, with baggage and insecurities in tow.

There were 2 extenuating factors at play. The first is that nobody in the group knew him long enough to be able to offer any insight (and the opportunity did not present itself), and that this person, when nestled into their intoxicants, was incredibly irritating.

We were all nice, and debriefed in private about our irks with this individual but as an addict in recovery I now feel like I should have done more, somehow. Showed more love. More compassion. Something… but I’m also faced with the notion that I; and addict in recovery, am outnumbered in the presence of an addict who’s high. It’s me vs. him + my addiction, which is 2 on 1 with me in a disadvantage.

I’m also faced with the idea that I’m somehow feeling more compassion toward this person whom I’ve just met than I am with people I’ve known for years.

I don’t know that I really have the answer to these types of conundrums other than to say this: If I have a problem with someone, the problem is mine. It’s MY problem. The root idea of that sentence is ‘I have a problem.’ And I have to deal with it… and as much as this is something I am re-learning in recovery since I don’t have my old crutch to lean on when I’m stressed or annoyed or what-have-you, it’s actually something my dog taught me.

I learned early on in my dog training experience that my dog is perfect. The only fault my dog has is the fact that he will not live long enough for my satisfaction, but even that is a projection of my insecurities. I’m getting sidetracked. My dog is perfect. He does exactly what he’s supposed to do – it is I who have issues with his need to chew on things, or where he chooses to relieve himself, and so I am the one who needs to show him where & when these actions are appropriate.

I have a list of things I want my dog to do.
He has ONE thing he wants… and that’s to spend time with me.

Addictions are not much different – they have a function and a purpose, to ease pain, and in all honesty these addictive measures work. They just bring other problems along with them as an unfortunate byproduct.

But in the end… love is all any of us humans want.
Dogs, too.

hindsight

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the cliche phrase ‘hindsight is 20/20’ – the idea of looking back on an event, or series of events, and concluding that you have much more clarity about those events with the knowledge and understanding you currently possess, comparing it to having ‘perfect’ 20/20 vision.

I take issue with this. I think it’s wrong.

There’s a word, and it’s a popular one these days, that completely negates the idea that hindsight is perfect. That word is trauma. A great number of details have been misremembered and incorrectly associated with events surrounding trauma, causing what everyone around us might conclude is an ‘irrational response’ right here, in the present. I’m reminded of a situation in a music store, where a loud banging sound caused a war veteran who happened to be present, to dive onto the floor, before getting up, finishing his transaction, and bashfully leaving the store as fast as he could. As far as I remember, nobody in the room knew he was a veteran.

I suppose you could say that the veteran might have concluded, after hitting the deck, that in hindsight, he’d acted irrationally… but I’d wager a guess that if it happened again a day or week later, his response would be the same in spite of the fact that he is fully aware that he is not in a war zone.

Furthermore, there have been studies that show that when we remember an event that happened in our past, our brain networks change in ways that actually alter the memory of the event. This means the next time we remember it, we’re not remembering the event, but we are remembering the last time we remembered it.

When I was young, I had a difficult relationship with one of my parents. The fact that this is no longer the case has very little, if anything, to do with hindsight. Although I have the ability to see things differently now, it’s not because the passing of time so much as it’s because I get along with that parent much better now, to the point that I subconsciously don’t want to think of them in an unflattering light.

What can we do?

Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I believe that the answer for me is to do whatever I can to not hold a grudge, and to cherish positive memories. I want to give people, and myself, the opportunity for redemption for wrongdoings.

We like to believe that we can change for the better as we grow and learn, but somehow justify denying other people the same opportunity for redemption, like we hold the monopoly on self improvement. I’ve been doing that my whole life…

And in hindsight, that doesn’t make much sense anymore.

movement

I’m a runner. I run, and a couple months ago I assessed that I was the happiest with physique when I could run 22 kms without stopping. I can’t rightly say that this is what made me ‘happy’, but that was me at my fittest ever. I’d just run a triathlon course on my 40th birthday and in a fit of whimsy I opted to sign up for the Edmonton Half Marathon and came in at a time that was more than 15 minutes faster than I thought I would.

The truth is, I wasn’t happy with my physique.
I was happier about it than I am now… but at that time, all I saw was flaws, and now I look at my shirtless progress photos from that time with envy.

So, as of mid-November I got back into half marathon training, and in so doing I’ve tried to analyze what else was going on in my life at that time and the answer was: not much. The tail-end of a global pandemic we won’t soon forget, and a handful of fun outdoor shows probably sums it up nicely… but I had peace in my mind like I haven’t had the luxury of this year, and that’s really what I want, and although the spiritual journey I’ve been on has brought me through some rocky terrain I know that things are improving.

I won’t get into why, because it wasn’t all things happening to me directly, but to people around me. Sorting through those things brought to light some old traumas and coping mechanisms to light. I’d thought I’d dealt with them, but boy was I ever wrong.

Turns out there is not ‘set it & forget it‘ life… but I get tired of feel at-odds with myself.
I want to be disciplined and I want to go easy on myself.
I want to train hard and rest.
I want to be productive and sleep.
I want to be present and I want to daydream.

It’s endless, really, but I doubt I’m alone in that.
What I wonder now is, do I have to choose? I feel like living in the moment means not having to choose. I should be able to train when it’s time to train and rest when I’m tired and not have to be so intense or so exhausted that either choice is all-encompassing.
Is training really the opposite of rest?
Is productivity the opposite of sleep? No – so why the conundrum?

Am I just impossible to please? Or just confused.

What does satisfy me is that at this point I’m not really going after ‘more more more‘ actively so much as I’m finding ways to simplify. I’ve gone so far as to purchase several of the same articles of clothing so I don’t have to be faced with choosing what to wear so often. I meal plan and thus am rarely unsure of what to eat. I go for quality over quantity, generally and it’s improved my life.

Maybe it’s all so I can spend time fixating on productivity.

That last line was a joke.

high powered

The community I’ve joined to help me contend with my brain’s propensity for malfunction requires the acknowledgement of a higher power. This is not foreign to me, given my churchy upbringing, and it’s not a far stretch to acknowledge that I am not the most powerful force in the universe.

As I’ve cited more than once – if I am the most powerful entity, and this whole societal simulation is loaded for me and me alone (narcissistic as that sounds), and I am ALSO unable to control myself around a box of donuts, then by definition, that box of donuts is the highest power.

And that’s fine. What I have is more powerful than all the powdered sugar in the free world, but I struggle to name it. God feels funny, as that term feels like it’s spoken for already, and The Universe feels a bit unspecific. Terms like ‘Great Spirit’ don’t feel like they’re mine to use, and most other terms feel ingenuine or dismissive in their lack of power.

“God” is an obvious placeholder, I guess.

Biblically, God famously said “I am the great I am” which tracks well for me, as I do like the idea of God being within all of us, whether he was invited in or not. It aligns with other phrases I’ve heard that I identify with, such as “you are the one you are waiting for” among other introspective and possibly cliche sayings.

In recovery, I was told to essentially make up a God. I think that’s funny as I type it, but I also think that making him up is what makes him real. I believe that Odin exists because the Norsemen decided he should, and that’s that. It would be difficult for me to say he’s not real at his point, as a person who can and does sit down with a pen and a notebook and conjures a song into existence when moments before, there was no song. Any artist does this, really… I mean, how many brush strokes does it take to turn a canvas into a painting? I digress…

The prospect of being made in God’s image is also of interest to me. First off it tells me that The Creator made me a creator. It also indicates – and this will piss a few people off, I’m sure – that God almost certainly has darkness in him, as he has certainly created some dark things for us to dwell on, as well as dark forces that keep things in balance… and really, that’s fine.

There’s an element of selfishness in any good deed done that I think needs to be acknowledged – not to the point that we should relish in taking selfies of ourselves giving money to homeless people or anything particularly brazen, but just the fact that it feels good to do good. It might not be conscious in the moment, but when I pull over on the shoulder to help some stranger change a flat tire, or I boost a coworker’s car, or drop some of my girlfriend’s baking in the lunch room at work, it feels good to know that these things are appreciated to the point that I’d be inclined to do it again because I felt some reward. This is in it’s very nature, selfish.
It feels even better to do something for a stranger.
But can you, or I, do a truly great deed for a total stranger and never have them find out who it was? Would we be able to contain that level of joy in ourselves, realizing of course that to share the experience would only accentuate the selfish act?

Really, if doing good things for people didn’t feel good, we’d have wiped our species off the planet eons ago.

So even at our absolute best there’s a darkness inherit in our actions. I write songs and share them with as many people as I can but I want the credit for the craft… I’m happy to help someone reach their goals but it works best on my timeline, and if I feel truly appreciated. Even for someone to beat the odds of surviving a serious health diagnosis means that a lot of people have to get hurt or killed by the same ailment in order for that story to be noteworthy.

These are things we cannot control, and yet we celebrate them. That doesn’t make these things any less special for the recipient of a good deed, nor should the fractionally selfish component of doing a good deed prevent us from helping one another. As far as biblical text goes, God created Satan, and Satan didn’t create anything… and when Satan was cast out of Heaven, he was not cast into Hell. He was cast down to earth.

I’m rambling.

All that to say – if we are truly made in God’s perfect image, then it’s worth entertaining the idea that our flaws are by design, and that the balance of the universe is far too complex for any of us to ever understand… so we have to take God on our own terms.

So I am searching for balance, I suppose.
Light means little without the prospect of darkness, and vice versa.
Same with happy & sad.
Sunny days don’t mean anything without the threat of rain… and to further push the metaphor, crops need both. People need both.

So I won’t let the dark parts of me take over completely, nor will I ignore it completely and be happy-go-lucky all the time… both versions are balanced.

busy busy busy

I’ve been writing a lot lately, and not only in this blog, so I’m hoping that I don’t end up falling behind in this, but I’ve been working on grants for touring with Confusionaires and working on a few new songs I’m excited about. It’s also a busy time at my day job but that doesn’t really impact this blog much.

Soon, my band will be announcing our Mexico tour, and we’ll be able to count ourselves among the ranks of export ready Canadian bands, which is big for us. We’ll be there for 10 days and play 7 shows (maybe more). Before that, we’ve got a a 2-nighter of Elvis, and a 3-show run of Buddy Holly performances at the end of January that you should most certainly buy tickets to… please… because Mexican gigs pay in pesos…

All that to say I’m really in a state of equal parts shock and gratitude, but I’m reminded that it’s important speak love into other people’s lives, too. We humans get so wrapped up in our own shit that we forget to come up for air sometimes.

A friend of mine is in sales, and recently posted a very vulnerable and beautiful post about the state of the world and ho she felt like she was distracting people from these things that need attention. It prompted a conversation and we got to really encourage each other in our ventures because these things are important – even though they’re not a war in Gaza, or a homeless crisis – we still get to facilitate people bringing joy into their lives, which is incredibly noble – but I hadn’t thought about it in those terms, and neither had she. It got me thinking about how rare these conversations are and that they shouldn’t be so rare.

Did these conversations used to be more common? Before the internet and the de-personalization of everything? I don’t know, and I don’t remember.

But I want to go to that place with people, to inspire and be inspired… and I have people I can do that with, and I am very lucky to have them… but there must be more. People are not just their avatars… they are complex and flawed and wonderous… and we should know more of them.

Anyway… that’s my stream of consciousness for today.

Much love.