Blog Posts

escaping reality

“I’m beginning to find some balance between escapism and reality and it’s mostly because I am both wrapped up in a busy life, and emotionally supported. “

Once upon a time I was a kid, and through a strange set of circumstances, I acquired a guitar. It cost me 8 months of flyer delivery and it saved my teenage life. In service of that, I elected to learn absolutely everything I possibly could about the instrument and I got really good at it. Still am.

This became the template. I dove in deep with various girls what would receive my attention, booze, pills, vintage automobiles, rock & roll bands, fitness, and food. Clearly not all of these things are bad things, but they’re not all good things either.

I’m beginning to find some balance between escapism and reality and it’s mostly because I am both wrapped up in a busy life, and emotionally supported. This isn’t the summer I wanted, but it seems to be the summer I needed. Through varying circumstances, I am not playing anywhere near as many shows as I’d hope to – but it seems fortunate that I am available to learn the ropes of a new job, and to navigate some changes at home, as well as contend with an injured drummer. I’ve also found the desired time to tend to my 1962 Ford Fairlane and get it up to snuff in a way it hasn’t been in a long time.

That Ford is also where I tend to escape to.

We all have our ways of coping with things and I know I am a project-based kind of person, so I’ve got no guilt around the balancing of my car and my obligations but I can almost smell my desire to just crawl under that car and stay there for days and just hide. The first indicator of that is my desire to work on it is greater than my desire to drive it, if only slightly. Don’t get me wrong, I want to drive the shit out of it (and I do!) but there is an immense sense of satisfaction that comes with taking something apart and putting it back together and making it work better by doing so.

As a father, I hope my kid gets bitten by this bug, too – if only because it’s been so helpful for me, but I have to understand and acknowledge that just because it worked well for me does not mean it will work well for everyone.

In other words, I want to have common interests with my child, but I fully understand that the work that needs to be done to maintain that is mine, not theirs.

So if this hobby stays mine, then it stays mine… but it still serves me, and helps me set myself straight so that I can serve others.

one hundred

“This is my 100th post. I never really imagined what this blog would become… “

This is my 100th post. I never really imagined what this blog would become… originally I just set out to write a little around training for a triathlon and working to be a better person… but I suppose time passes, too. I’m glad to still be writing, even though I often wonder what I should say that I haven’t said already, or how this will evolve.

I’m happy to have maintained the practice of writing this, and am happy for the other practices I’ve adopted along the way. Originally there was a video component that was a bit ambitious, and thus fizzled out after the triathlon in 2021 but I’m not opposed to reintroducing something a little more off-the-cuff at some point.

I did the things I wanted to do. Lu and I did the triathlon course, and I ran the half marathon last year. I’m moving into other fitness disciplines and working on my car. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to take an inventory of the last 2 years but if you’ve been reading along, you’ll know that I’m also a bit of a fan of the 12 step method of recovery, so here we are.

This blog has been side-line to a triathlon, a half-marathon, most of a pandemic, the writing and recording of an album, an amazing rekindling of relationship between myself and my environment AND between myself and my car, the entire life of my beautiful dog, and a couple of birthdays. Even as I write this my then-12 year old is creeping up on being a 15 year old, and my girlfriend hasn’t aged a day. In fact, her and I are both younger than we were when we started.

Who knows where this adventure will take us?

Thanks for reading along, and to the several of you who’ve weighed in – thank you especially.

primitive machines

I’ve mentioned my car in previous posts – sometimes passively and sometimes not, but I’ve got a 1962 Ford Fairlane 500 2-door sedan that I have had for 13 years, and I’ve been making up for lost time with it as of late. There’s a high probability that I’m the only vegan, environmentalist, rockabilly-playing old car enthusiast you follow.

It’s been road-worthy for almost the whole time I’ve had it but there have been a few things it’s desperately needed over the years that are finally getting done. I feel like this car teaches me something every time I crawl under it. It’s a series of interconnected, simple machines that need maintenance and rebuilding from time to time and I’m blessed with the opportunity to look after this piece of gas-guzzling history. In truth, it gets better fuel mileage than my modern truck.

I’m not sure if I gained patience over the years, or if I’ve become more patient with this car, or both – but I’ve reignited a kinship with this automobile, where I take care of what it needs and it takes care of what I need. The series of little wins that come with things as small as oil-changes or putting new pads on the pedals, and as big as rewiring the whole car, or custom building the exhaust system, have done wonders for my mental health and have helped me to navigate around my brain and my ego in a way I’d never anticipated I’d ever be able to… or ever thought I’d have to.

As we round out the month of July, I can pretty much count the number of weekends of summer tinkering and enjoyment I have left before I ‘shift gears’ and take on some manner of winter project. I’m anticipating a fruitful winter of productive work on the interior of the car assuming we don’t dig in before then (and I say we because I’ve had the luxury of sharing this part of this project with my girlfriend).

The journey of self-discovery through vehicle maintenance has been wild and I’m fortunate to have such a presence in my life at this stage of the game.

easy does it

“I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be.”

There’s nothing quite quite so humbling and self reflective as someone’s uninhibited criticism of you. Even when the emotion is removed, there are nuggets of truth, or at very least nuggets of perception – but even then, someone else’s perception of you is always the truth to them.

If someone is mean to me; especially if it happens on multiple occasions, it’s no stretch for me to conclude that the person in question is mean. The fact that other people love them and can be vulnerable and safe with them doesn’t change my perception. So, when I act the way I act and someone finds it smug or distasteful… well… I am those things.

I know I can’t govern how I’m perceived. I can only control my actions and reactions – so I naturally move forward with a newfound sensitivity to how I might be behaving – at least for a while – and in the meantime I try to create a new habit or a new outlook that is move loving and inclusive. It’s a tall order for an introvert such as myself but there’s no reason why I can’t learn this new behavior as an individual – after all, we as a society do this all the time. There are a lot of words and phrases that we’ve said that are no longer acceptable to say in polite company. We collectively gave our heads a shake and made some improvements.

My issues are more behavioral though. I know I can come on a bit strong and I’m pretty hard to argue with on certain topics – but I can learn to have a little more grace. I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be. The last thing I ever want to do is make an enemy out of a friend, or negatively impact someone’s life so badly that they consciously decide to run hard in the opposite direction, not only physically but spiritually.

To carry that guilt would be the absolute worst.

Truth is, I can have a little more grace with myself, too. I honestly get the worst of my own criticism and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who is my own worst critic. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way – the most disciplined, the most hardcore, the smartest, the strongest, the best musician, the most poetic, the most impactful, the most available and the most efficient.

What I have learned recently is that I find things that save me and I envelope myself in them. Veganism. Music. Endurance Sport. Most recently: My Car. These things come to me when I need them most and I throw in hard with them to a point of obsession. I’ve done so negative things as well… junk food… booze… pills… and I have become the worst example of humanity available at the time.

But I still look myself in the mirror and am ultimately grateful for the fucked up weirdo I was, because that fucked up weirdo got me here… and I should go easy on him.

And if I can extend grace to my worst critic… then I can extend grace to anyone.

So… easy does it.

labor fruit

“So much work had been done without any serious driving between jobs that when I finally got it on the road, it ran and drove so good that it was almost unrecognizable. “

I have a car.
It’s a 1962 Ford Fairlane 500 and I bought it in 2010.
For a while, it was my only car.
I love that car. But that’s an easy thing for me to say right now… it wasn’t so easy to say that a couple years ago.

With some much needed willpower and some encouragement; and well, some straight up miraculous help from a friend, I rekindled my love for this car in the fall of 2022 and since then I’ve poured a lot of energy and burnt a lot of calories improving it. It’s been incredibly cathartic… and it runs and drives better than it ever has in my 13 years with it.

I’ve been driving it more this year than I have in a long time… but I even needed encouragement to do that.

I’ve really enjoyed the work. Over the past 6 years (2 of which I was angry and did nothing), I’ve rewired the entire car, replaced the alternator, put new wheels & tires on it, designed (and redesigned and redesigned) a new mount for the alternator, put an electronic ignition in it, rebuilt the transmission, put new u-joints in it, did some brake work, painted the underside of the floor, replaced the window rubber, put in some aftermarket gauges (and almost burned the car down doing so), put in a new clutch (again), pulled out the interior door panels and cleaned out the insides of the doors, made custom exhaust, and Lu & I are wrapping our heads around the interior.

So much work had been done without any serious driving between jobs that when I finally got it on the road, it ran and drove so good that it was almost unrecognizable.

What I didn’t do was stop & smell the roses.

At this point I’m spending some time behind the wheel and enjoying the fruits of my labor and it’s been reminding me that it’s okay to do that in other aspects of life, too.

Maybe you need that reminder, too…?
I sure did.

happy where you are

It’s pretty easy to be happy when everything is fine… a little harder when it’s not. I had something knock my positivity a little off-course a couple months back and it’s been difficult to reclaim my bearings a bit, but I’ve gained clarity on things in a way I thought I understood before; and maybe I was right, but is much more obvious to me now.

I’ve heard lot about being happy where you are, which is ultimately the foundations of the phrase ‘money can’t buy happiness‘ but I’ve always had difficulty squaring that with my motivation to move forward and do more, being the goal oriented person that I am. Only recently have I realized that in the context of my everyday losses & victories that I ultimately couldn’t possibly be any happier than I am right now. My struggles are my own, but the truth is that I wouldn’t trade them for anyone else’s. I am self aware and moving forward, and over all I am happy – in part because I am happy moving forward.

I suppose I got it into my head somehow that the term ‘being happy where you are‘ gets broken into 2 halves, (a) ‘being happy‘ and (b) ‘where you are.’

‘Being happy‘ is not a foreign concept, but ‘where you are‘ somehow presents as some stationary place, as in ‘if my life never changed, would I be good with that?’ but that’s really not what it is. It’s more momentary and granular than that. As I type this, I’m sitting at my laptop and I am happy doing so. After this I’ll be doing something else and I’ll be happy with that – and it will lead to something else.

What I’ve come to understand is that rather than a term with 2 halves, it’s a term with an action and a qualifier. ‘Being happy, where you are.‘ and I’ve realized that ‘where you are‘ for me IS moving forward. When I am right now is putting time and action between myself and an undesirable circumstance, and if I’m being truly honest with myself then I must acknowledge that every day since that hard situation happened is better than the day before it, because progress is cumulative.

The only place we allow our failures to define us is in the mirror, and most of us would never allow someone else to talk to us the way we talk to ourselves. You wouldn’t allow someone to talk that way about a close friend, and a close friend would come to your defense if someone was slinging slander at you.

I can’t speak for you, but the little fat kid I see in the mirror needs me to defend him. After all, he got me all the way here… and objectively, here is pretty great, and he worked really hard to do so.

If we’re going to live in a frame of mind where problems compound on each other (and most of us do, regrettably) then we must also allow our victories to compound, or we’ll never feel that sense of balance or accomplishment, and we’ll never really be able to ask ourselves: “Am I happy where I am?” without fearing the answer.

So we either DON’T allow our problems to compound, or we DO allow our victories to compound. That’s a matter of preference I suppose… but in the checks & balances, I’m willing to bet that a lot of us are closer to being happy where we are than we might think.

pursuits

I like to do hard things. Hard things have historically included feats of endurance, like an olympic length triathlon course or a half-marathon, and while those things are obviously still hard, this has been a different kind of summer.

The fitness portion of my life, although still in existence, has felt a bit directionless lately. I’ve been struggling to allow myself to rest. Not only rest, but to enjoy things that stretch me as a person beyond normal rigors of endurance sport. My brain has been stretched and bowed by a new role at work, and by problem-solving with my hobby-car, among other self analysis and mental exercise including my propensity to snack like the binge-eating addict I am, and the culmination has truly been exhausting. Add some indecision of what physical activity to double-down on, and a later-than-it-should-be bed time resulting in an over-used snooze button… but again, I’ve been struggling to let myself off the hook as far as fitness goes.

I still track calories and macros, and I get out and run, and lift weights, and have developed a bit of an interest in Ashtanga – but not with my usual “nailed to the training program 6 days a week” fervor that I typically adopt. I’m trying to find a way to be okay with this… but there’s a part of me that feels I’m not doing enough.

I know there are seasons to life, and this season right now is the off-season for me. I’m entertaining the idea of signing up for a race in the fall, and I can’t decide if it’s pride or discipline that’s preventing me from doing any less than a half marathon. My challenge is more about whether or not I have enough training weeks between now and then, and less about willpower.

If I sign up, I’ll do it – and I will finish, pain or not.

It’s really easy to say things like “there are seasons to life” when you’re training regularly and killing it. It’s not so easy to say that when your focus is split between other passions. I know what I need, and it’s a regular (hard) training schedule that I can indenture myself to – but I also need this rest, and I need the mental challenges I’m facing.

The only thing I really know, is that I must remain present – in the moment.
That’s the true balance – being 100% present.

And if I’m being honest with myself… I am present.

And presently… it’s time to go for a run.