Tag: blog

the harvest

Thanksgiving has never really meant much to me.

I’ve never been big on turkey or ham – obviously less so now that my relationship with the animal kingdom is that of a respectful spectator. Maybe I was ungrateful, or maybe we just didn’t have enough extended family around when I was a kid, but the meaning behind Thanksgiving seemed a ironic to me since we were giving thanks to the creator for the harvest.

As a kid, this just meant summer was over, and that I wasn’t allowed to have any friends over – which didn’t matter much since they weren’t allowed to go outside and do anything either.

As a parent, it means even less.

As a descendant of European colonizers, it’s lost what little meaning it ever had.

As a vegan; however, I feel overjoyed to be part of an ecosystem that is self-sustaining despite the corporate greed that’s weaved it’s way into the fabric of our lives. I’m reminded that the earth owes us nothing, and that we owe it everything. I’m also reminded that you can put seeds in the ground, put water on them, and food comes out – which is more and more remarkable with each passing year.

The creator though – regardless of how you might think of your tumultuous religious upbringing or lack there of – is interesting. If we take the various spiritual texts at face value, and understand that nature (among other things) is a force much bigger and stronger than any of us; which is something that those of us who identify as addicts should be painfully aware of, we’ll also find written that we are made in the image of the creator. This means that we; too, are creators – artists, metal workers, musicians, carpenters, dancers, writers, gardeners, storytellers, – and if there is something I am grateful for in the midst of this socially contracted long weekend, it’s that I am both capable and affirmed in my efforts of creating, and positively affecting the lives of those in my community with my contributions.

So if that’s what we’re celebrating, then happy thanksgiving.

Training this week has been magical. Still riding my bike for transportation; which admittedly has cut into my running a bunch, and cross-training – but I feel the cycling-to-work season closing in around me. Truthfully I have a hard time just “going for a bike ride” without a set destination and a specific time I aim to arrive. Perhaps I’ll be able to change that about myself at some point but it’s just how I tend to treat that activity – except when I’m on a stationary bike, obviously.

Fall is certainly upon us and it’s a special time to be in the river valley. We spend as much time there as we possibly can, especially now that we’re headed into that part of the year where we’re at a deficit for sunlight and nature. This last couple of weeks certainly feels like we’re on borrowed time.

I just returned from a music conference earlier this week, so I’ve got a head full of ideas and the future is promising. That said – Conscious Pilgrim video production has obviously taken a bit of a turn, and will continue to be that way. I intend to post to YouTube periodically. My plan was to post a summer recap (talk about the half marathon, etc) but living in an old house with old appliances and driving an old vehicle have certainly sidelined me with some much-needed repair & maintenance of the aforementioned, and without putting too fine of a point on it, I’ve been a little too busy living life to post about it.

The blog will continue. I love to write – it feels effortless to me and therefor is not a hindrance. My video skills; however, are needed to generate content for Confusionaires at this time and I am anticipating a fairly busy 2023 with that band. I have an eternal appreciation for anyone who can maintain a Youtube Channel in any meaningful way.

discomfort zone

“The purpose in my visit is growth. Not necessarily artist growth or soul nurturing connection, but straight up business. Straight up business is still personal, in that it’s connecting with real people and following up in an effort to make real things happen in the future.”

I’m doing something I’ve never done. I’m at a music conference, hobnobbing and making connections with professionals in my industry. I’m putting my best foot forward, and attempting to glitz-up; via conversation and genuine connection, my musical output. This has historically not been my strong suit, as I’m more than a little introverted – but my conference compatriot and band manager is very comfortable in these scenarios, so I’m in pretty good shape.

This is not really a setting I’ve spent any time in save for a few ‘meet-ups’ and what-have-you. It’s a departure from my usual den of rehearsal rooms, recording studios, and coffee shops – but it’s ultimately good. It’s stretching me in ways I hadn’t anticipated and I’m enjoying it a bit more than I thought I might – in retrospect, it’s taken some time to prime myself for this adventure – but again it helps that my band’s manager is situated in a hotel room not far from me, and she is 10x the social butterfly that I am. I also have the unwavering support of my girlfriend, Lu, which I can feel from over 300km away.

The purpose in my visit is growth. Not necessarily artist growth or soul nurturing connection (though I’m down for that), but straight up business. Straight up business is still personal, in that it’s connecting with real people and following up in an effort to make real things happen in the future. I’ve been told that when your body, soul, and mind are in alignment with your purpose, that the universe conspires to support you. Those aren’t my words, but I like them and I’ll use them. I’ll receive that message and I’ll share it, because my whole life has led me to this point, through all the twists & turns & bouts with alcohol and self loathing, I am planted firmly in the here & now and I have to believe and facilitate the notion that something positive and affirming is going to happen here.

So wish me luck.

As this is being posted, I’m 2/3rds of the way through it and my brain and heart and notebook are all brimming. To be in the company of so many like-minded and career-focused people is encouraging. This is one of the very select places you can be where there’s no chance of anyone telling you that you can’t do it, or that you can’t make a career out of art.

I suppose I knew from the get-go that this would be a make-work project, and that I would come away from this experience with a broadened approach to what I do, but it’s hitting me square in the face that the discipline practice that I’ve been applying to my personal life and fitness regimen is going to have to be applied to my professional life much more than it already has (and it has).

I love change. I embrace change. I am capable of change.

Training this week as been… well half of it has been in a different locale. Downtown Calgary, AB is a real scene. I like this city a lot, likely because I don’t live here but I do get to perform here with some regularity. I’ve been able to acquaint myself with the Bow River a bit, and have taken in this city’s skyline on my morning run, and the weight room in the hotel that’s hosting this conference is a nice perk – hotels I typically stay in are not outfitted with such amenities.

The conference has a run club at 9am each day, so it’s been interesting finding pace with people I don’t know, but it’s interesting sharing non-musical ground with music people. Perhaps it’ll firm up some new working relationships… perhaps I’m just running with some weirdos.

Being physically taken out of your comfort zone causes you to realize and rely on your emotional comfort zone. You can really learn a lot about yourself by changing one thing, even temporarily.

what if it kills you

“Most; if not all of us, have an ‘Everest’ – a goal we’d like to conquer in our lifetime. For most in the western world, financial goals or career platitudes come to mind, but there are outliers who are much less concerned with those sorts of feats and are more inclined toward physical, mental, and emotional challenges.”

I was recently listening to a podcast that broached the subject of climbing K2, which is very slightly shorter than Mount Everest, but the path to the summit is much more treacherous than what Mount Everest has to offer. The discussion mentioned that summitting K2 during the winter has never been done until only last year, and there’s no shortage of mountain climbers who’ve tried, and not even come close.

It got me thinking: How would you know when to bail? Pursing victory to the point of injury is not an option, because you still have to climb down the mountain in these cases. There’s no question that the desire to reach the summit is strong, but with a healthy and clear mind – in mid-climb – one would have to determine that to go on would be a fool’s errand.

It got me thinking, on a more metaphorical level, most; if not all of us, have an ‘Everest’ – a goal we’d like to conquer in our lifetime. For most in the western world, financial goals or career platitudes come to mind, but there are outliers who are much less concerned with those sorts of feats and are more inclined toward physical, mental, and emotional challenges.

When do we pull the ripcord?

I don’t have an answer – not a tangible one, anyway – other than to conclude that you’d have to trust your gut to tell you when it’s time to pack up and go home – to fight another day. And you would have to ensure that your gut was trustworthy. It goes without saying that out there on the mountain these decisions are life & death, and it’s quite possible that a persistent enough individual would die up there in pursuit of their goal. It happens pretty frequently.

Personally, I don’t know where the top of ‘my Everest’ is as far as career trajectory goes any better than I know what the limits of my physical training will be. I’m one of those people who’s been pretty good at pretty much everything he’s tried (like, REALLY tried – I’ve half-assed a few things that didn’t pan out the way I would have liked) but I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t lose my life in any of my current endeavors, no matter how hard-headed I became (or… already am).

I know that if I invested a large sum of money into something that didn’t work out, I’d be okay since I have the means to make more money and recover from the loss. Similarly, my body has the ability to recover from most things that can happen along the running trail or any other physical challenge. I can write more songs, I can work more hours, I can replace damaged equipment – these are the benefits of living moment to moment, really, because even valuable stuff is still just stuff, and there’s more money coming. I’m in no danger of damaging the relationships I’ve maintained because my integrity remains intact, and I can’t see an occasion where I would hurt someone on purpose.

… so where’s the line?

Again, I don’t have an answer so I’ll have to leave this topic as rhetoric – just some food for thought. It seems most likely that you’d have to; as mentioned, trust your gut in the moment – in which case I’d have to advocate maintaining your gut health as best you can, because that’s a lot of responsibility to be handled by a single abdomen.

Training this week is bittersweet. It’s truly a magical time to be meeting my fitness regimen outdoors in our river valley here in Edmonton as the leaves are beginning to turn funny colors, but it’s ominous warning that the snow is coming and I’ll be chased indoors before long is palpable. The urge to soak up every ray of sunshine, inhale every stray histamine that floats on the wind, and push every one of my limits, but there are times when my brain flashes forward to the dearth and dread that winter can bring. I MUST worry about that when it’s happening, and maintain living in THIS moment, Here & NOW.

I won’t lie to you… the bicycle commute to work in the morning is pretty chilly, but the rides home in the early evening are wonderful. I’m optimistic that I can keep going into October, but to what end? Thanksgiving? Halloween? Truthfully, right now it feels like riding into October means being on borrowed time, but every ride is a gift… and a slight reprieve from those chilly temperatures is not out of the question so I’ll cross my fingers for that. My girlfriend has ridden into November in previous years, but it’s a shorter (and slightly later) commute.

I dunno… I’ll digress a bit. This level of cold is not unreasonable – but rain this time of year is a deal breaker for me. There’s no merit in subjecting myself to temperatures around the freezing mark while wet – especially when it means missing future training sessions as a result of illness.

The slow transition back to the gym is in sight, but I’m holding out for the time being.

intellectualizing an emotional response

“Few things happen without thought, and of course the conscious decision to be more grateful, loving, caring, and open has to take place in the brain first, but the practice of getting there is similar to any other training you can put yourself through.”

How often do we ‘should’ ourselves…

We see it all the time in our bird’s eye view of impassioned online debates – the kind of debates that make you want to log off forever and throw your electronic devices into the sun: the battle of scientific fact vs. feeling. These debates don’t have winners in the traditional sense, just people who endure longer than others before locating the ‘block’ button.

‘This is a scientific fact’ vs ‘this is how someone feels’ knows no boundary. Everything from Covid-19 vaccines to whether or not Pluto is a planet seem to illicit both an intellectual and an emotional response, but when are these actually appropriate in our daily lives?

I don’t mean online. If anything, I’d advocate for abstaining from such online debates.

Interestingly, there’ve been studies done to show that although we live and work in a time when there are readily available data analytics for everything (as is the byproduct of having computers so central in our lives), that in professional settings, the extrapolation of such data is either (a) not done in the first place, or (b) completely ignored in favor of a gut-decision made by a manager or executive who largely relies on personal experience as rationale. The studies are often cherry-picked after the fact in an effort to back up the boss’ decision, but typically only in cases where the decision is under scrutiny.

In our personal lives, emotional responses typically make their home around joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, gratitude, and the like – but we as humans are masters of intellectualizing our responses to this just as much as we are masters of emotionalizing math & science. Questions like “Am I showing enough gratitude, and how can I respond better?” or “What are some ways I can be more patient?” do come about, and no doubt come from a good place – but may end up being a little too heady to be genuine. As well, topics like the climate change debate get confirmed or denied based on how we feel about making changes to our daily lives more than any scientific data that’s available.

Few things happen without thought, and of course the conscious decision to be more grateful, loving, caring, and open has to take place in the brain first, but the practice of getting there is similar to any other training you can put yourself through. For example:
– I don’t think about running: I just go for a run at a predetermined time of day for a predetermined distance.
– I don’t think about protein intake: I plan my meals ahead of time, and rest knowing I’m getting what I need when the time comes.
– I don’t think about meditation: I meditate.

These are all things that require some forethought or planning, of course, but when the time comes to actually do them, the infrastructure is already in place for me to do them. I might think about them anyway (or obsess, if we’re being totally transparent), but I really don’t need to do so, in the same way I don’t need to think about what I’m wearing to work tomorrow, because there’s a dress code / uniform and that decision has been made – but I’ll take 20 long minutes to determine what T-shirt I want to wear on a day I’m not scheduled to work only to get dog drool on it in less time than it took to select it. Perhaps my selection of cool T-shirts is too expansive and overwhelming. Nah.

In the end, if I want to show more gratitude for what good things come my way, then I need to begin by acknowledging and appreciating what I have here & now, and not not be too concerned with what it looks like from someone else’s perspective. Love, patience, kindness, and gentleness require similar action – being loving rather than thinking about being loving, being patient rather than thinking about being patient, showing kindness rather than thinking kind thoughts…

If my heart, mind & body are in alignment, then my genuine response will speak for me… and ultimately will require no thought whatsoever.

Training this week has been good. Hard… but good. I have a real desire to push my body to it’s ever-moving limits and I feel satisfied when I get there, but being properly fed is an important piece of that puzzle that I need to prioritize. I’m typically in a slight calorie deficit but sometimes that means ‘running in the red’ a little bit. I almost never feel it during the workout, but the recovery time that follows the workout can feel like a real slog so I need to make sure I’m giving myself enough of what I need to repair my muscles between workouts… which is protein.

We also tried a new smoothie this week that blew my mind and highlighted some things I’ve been missing in my daily food consumption – namely: kale. It gave me the boost of energy I needed to really push my limits at the gym, and reminded me of the importance; not only of diet, but of a varied diet.

As an aside, I’ve also missed a run or two this past week – largely due to forest fire smoke blowing into Edmonton from southern BC. It’s been hard not to reprimand myself for missing these sessions but I’m at no risk of falling off the wagon here… my practice is strong and I can handle an extra rest day here & there provided my calorie consumption is in check. It’s important to remember that there are no training days… only training weeks and training months, and that there IS room to move within my program.

a beautiful machine

“I can only describe this level of internal resistance as: intense. I really can’t put too fine of a point on it but it’s been the source of a lot of hesitation, possibly even anxiety. It’s hard for me to reconcile it even now but I’m genuinely happy to be making progress on this front.”

You might think for that an self-described environmentally-minded vegan runner on a spiritual journey who prioritizes his relationship with nature wouldn’t have much use for a 60-year-old automobile, but you’d be wrong in your assumption.

Though there’s a good portion of the ‘car guy’ population that takes great pride in the burning of hydrocarbons in exchange for the adrenaline rush of driving fast in a vintage piece of steel, I would describe my relationship with my 1962 Ford Fairlane as much different than the simple exchange of bruised knuckles and gasoline for noise and speed.

For over a decade, I’ve been holding onto this car – sometimes inexplicably – through numerous living situations. It’s survived ample punishment as my only vehicle for a while, stuck with me through my divorce, and has been my primary project focus at times, and my last priority at other times. Aside from all that, during it’s 60 years on this planet, it’s been the most fuel efficient car I’ve ever owned and it’s presence on the road has kept a few cars out of the landfill. Beyond that it’s a piece of history, not only automotive history but personal history as well. Even my kid’s earliest memories are set in the back seat of this car.

I don’t know that I have any real wisdom to dispense today. Just a little tribute to a source of both comfort and frustration.

I’m rekindling an old friendship with this car that exercises my brain and my patience. You might be rolling your eyes right now, and you’re likely justified in doing so, but I have a spiritual connection to this antiquated vehicle. I’ve learned and grown with this car, and I believe I am truly a better person for having it, and for keeping it as long as I have. It’s taught me to trust my process and have confidence in my abilities, and that it’s never too late. In truth, I spent long enough not putting any effort into this car that I began to question the skills that I have developed along the way – and I’m happy to say that time is slowly passing. I can only describe this level of internal resistance as: intense. I really can’t put too fine of a point on it but it’s been the source of a lot of hesitation, possibly even anxiety. It’s hard for me to reconcile it even now but I’m genuinely happy to be making progress on this front.

I’ve designed a part from scratch that I’m having a dear friend fabricate for me. I’ve tested my design obsessively and I’ve finally just put it in the mail, sent to his address.

Now, it’s out of my hands.

Training this week has been great. The early mornings definitely differ from the hot afternoons we tend to get this time of year – the autumn set in overnight this past Monday, but I push onward. I’m seizing every moment I can outdoors right now as I know that by the time the end of October rolls around, I’ll be forced back indoors – but this moment, right now – this is where I live. I’ll have to deal with the end of October at the end of October, and I know what that’ll look like at the time.

Yesterday… Friday… I ran to work. This was my method of commuting yesterday and I did the prep work necessary. On Thursday, I brought everything I needed including my food for the day, and stowed them away for the next day. My commute is 14.5 km, or 9 miles and somehow this is as big of an accomplishment as the Edmonton half-marathon, purely due to the extra food prep and logistics of getting everything I needed for the work day delivered a day earlier. If I’m honest, I was a little under-fueled for the first half, but I inhaled a banana around the half-way point and picked up my feet on the back half.

This afternoon, I’m performing a solo set of music along-side my friend Sean Herbert, at The Black Dog Freehouse in Edmonton. There’s no cover charge – please stop by (if you’re of legal drinking age in Alberta).

life is training, but is training life?

“I like to have a plan, because plans can change, though most of the time they don’t need to. I’ve found that often times a fluid plan can result in getting more done that I’d anticipated, but it’s when I try to ‘wing it’ that disasters can really happen.”

A sordid question to be sure.

As a food addict, I’ve learned that in order to see success with my nutrition, I need to build structure around my eating habits. “Cold turkey” isn’t really an option; not only because turkey’s not on the menu (note: I apologize for no bad vegan jokes, ever) but because obviously giving up food for good is not an option. I have trained myself to eat less, and subside on nutrient-dense foods whenever possible.

Similarly as a chronic drunk, I learned that in order to not let that vice (or any other I’ve dabbled in) rule me, I had to build structure around my alcohol consumption. The checklist is long enough now that I barely drink a drop. I have trained myself to not depend on alcohol.

As a songwriter (and writer of various other forms) I’ve learned that if I want to see success in that, I need to build structure around it, by way of ensuring that I have time allocated towards that craft. I have trained myself to be more fruitful with my time.

I’m sure you’re seeing an obvious pattern here, so I’ll cut to the chase before listing off various exercise & training regimens, saving money, and morning practices. As obvious as the pattern may be, the purpose may be not be. My time is organized into soft/suggestive blocks for efficiency and to make sure I spend time with the people who matter to me, but a highly desirable side effect came about from living this way: I’ve permitted myself to live in the moment.

Being precious about my time and efforts doesn’t serve me the way you might think it would. I’m sure you’ve met some fairly neurotic people who fight against their own schedule, trying to maintain control over everything – but the truth of the matter is that so much of life’s nuance and surprises happen between tasks. In essence I like to have a plan, because plans can change, though most of the time they don’t need to. I’ve found that often times a fluid plan can result in getting more done that I’d anticipated, but it’s when I try to ‘wing it’ that disasters can really happen.

There are things I can put off till ‘later’ and there are things I really can’t… but I find a lot more success with those ‘later’ tasks if I give them a real spot on the calendar, rather than just… ‘later.’

So yes, my life is a series of training exercises… but training exercises are not my whole life. The real essence of life happens in-between.

Training this week has been good. I love a good, long, brutal running session at this stage of my life and I’m happy to be able to handle them – though for the next couple months they’ll primarily be happening on the weekends when I can really get lost in the action. Most of my endurance workouts have been on my bike as I commute to & from work, which adds up to 2 x 45min. sessions each day I ride, and I’m riding 4 days a week right now.

I have been looking forward to the triumphant return to school that the myriad of children who’ve taken over my beloved swimming pool are now facing. For now, the weight room will intercede, though… and realistically I shouldn’t be hopping in the water with a relatively fresh tattoo regardless. I’ll give it a couple more weeks.

carbs are not the enemy… well, not all of them

“Carbs are often vilified because when we take in more fuel than we need, our body opts to store is (after it’s converted to glucose) in our fat cells. However, not all carbs are created equal.”

Carbohydrates; the body’s preferred fuel source AND the brain’s preferred energy source. The body breaks down carbohydrates into glucose (a type of sugar) and that glucose is utilized by the body’s cells, tissues, and organs. This energy is measured in calories (kCal) and we generally want to keep that number in check. Most people require approximately 2000 kCal per day.

Carbs are often vilified because when we take in more fuel than we need, our body opts to store is (after it’s converted to glucose) in our fat cells. However, not all carbs are created equal.

Complex carbohydrates – unaltered plant sources / whole foods such as fruits & vegetables, (whole) grains, beans, seeds, nuts – are full of varying vitamins, minerals, and fibre, and thus take time to for the body to digest. They’re not particularly calorie-dense. When you eat a bunch of them, they can fill you up to a point of no longer being hungry, and the nutritive properties of these foods can be well utilized in the body. It’s quite difficult to overeat on these types of fuel sources. Eating lots of these is ideal! For comparison’s sake, 500g of mixed fruit (which is a lot – it fills me up for hours), no matter what it is, will still come in around 325-350 kCal.

Simple carbohydrates – modified confections like candy, pastries, syrups, pasta – are simple because they’ve been stripped of their natural fibre and nutrients (in other words, they’ve been ‘processed’). Typically when you hear the term ’empty calories’ these are what’s being referred to. They often have added sugar, are calorie-dense, and super easy to digest. Since they’re easy to digest, they get utilized fast and your body often doesn’t tell you when it’s suitably full. By Comparison, a single Tim Horton’s Timbit (donut hole) is 70 kCal. That box of 10 Timbits that you got to accompany your coffee and sandwich is 700 kCal (a third of my calorie intake for the day… as a side order), and to further the point, 500g of Timbits is roughly 26 of them, which is 1,820 kCal (my entire day’s worth of food).

Aside from the differences in nutrients and natural fibre, I can tell you with certainty that if I ate 26 Timbits, I’d be hungry in an hour – likely for more sweets – and I am destined to overeat through the course of the day. Even if everything I ate was whole foods, I’d still have eaten twice my daily calories, whereas that bowl of fruit would fit nicely & neatly into my daily total, satiating me for a few hours.

*** Eating food you enjoy is fine. We all enjoy (and occasionally indulge) in simple carbs from time to time. You should enjoy what you eat, but you should also know what you’re doing so you don’t net yourself frustrating and confusing results. ***

Carbohydrates have a real public perception problem because people tend to think they’re all the same, when in fact they’re treat things like fresh cut strawberries the same way as they treat pastries. This is hugely problematic for people who are eating low-carb diets like Keto for extended periods of time because they’re forcing their body to subside on fats, which are a secondary (not primary) fuel source for the body, and not a fuel source at all for the brain. *** People experimenting with diets like this who are experiencing brain fog and low energy should recognize that this isn’t working for them, specifically.***

If you’d like an entry-level explanation of working in a calorie deficit, I talk a bit about that in the post entitled ‘enough protein’ from a few weeks back, and I’m bound to talk about that again before too long – in the meantime, know that complex carbs are your friend.

We’ll dig in on fats soon.

Training this week was a little frustrating. My current running shoes are pretty much cooked, and I ran on them a few times more than I should have – anyway, it all came to a head about mid-run on Monday when I was at the 10km mark on a 20km run and I had to bail. The cowboy in me wanted to push through, but I knew I’d just be causing damage as the entire length of my right leg began to cramp and seize.

It’s a bit of a blow, because I have my first-ever race next week, and as of the day I’m posting this, I have not yet run more than 20km consecutively (though I aim to tomorrow). This past week was supposed to be the heaviest training week yet, and I ultimately sat it out. I still weight-trained and did some cardio at the gym – but not to the capacity I’d planned to.

I ordered a fresh pair of Endorphin Speed 2’s from Saucony, they’ve arrived in time for one last long run before an otherwise VERY light week leading up to the Edmonton Half Marathon next weekend. This week I intend to drive the course in an effort to get pseudo-familiar with it.

In other news, I’ve been seeing a big increase in likes & follows through the WordPress medium, from other health & fitness bloggers, as well as a couple financial advisors – the ‘people who help people’ community, as it were. I appreciate the follows & likes and personal messages I receive from doing this blog. It’s truly encouraging and I’m happy to be reaching people where they are, and I thank all of you for the encouragement.