Tag: present

the end of the year

It’s coming up quick… resolution time.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, then you know I couldn’t care less about resolutions, particularly around the new year. I’m a firm believer that the new year starts when you make a change in your life, not the other way around.

I became vegan on March 28, 2000. That was the start of a New Year.
I started working for the company I work for in September of 2011. New Year.
I started training for a triathlon in September of 2021. New Year.

Usually for me, it’s in September or October – which; as I type this, I realize I missed the anniversary of me starting this blog. I guess I’ve been too focused on making the changes I’ve wanted to make to stop and look around at what I’ve accomplished. And… that’s okay… it’s okay that I missed it, and it’s okay that my focus was elsewhere.

I do what I can to stay in the present moment… just like my dog.
He’s a constant reminder of the present moment.
He’s hungry when he’s hungry, he wants to play when he wants to play… not a moment before or after. When we’re walking and I have to pry chicken bones out of his mouth, he’s mad at me in the moment – but a moment later, he’s over it, and he reminds me of this, because I am still pissed off about it moments later, and he’s very irritatingly past it. I strive for this.

However, when I’m making plans for the future, and celebrating the past, I’m not in the moment. I’m living in the future or the past – but rarely the present.

That’s what I want.
More and More, I want that.
But I’m staring at my phone too much.

I actually make my living in nostalgia, both in my day job and in my art… but when I’m playing LIVE, or in the throes of MAKING a record (which I am currently involved in) I am IN the moment and it’s amazing.

And as I typed all that, I was in the moment.
That’s why it was a bit of a tangent.

Anyway… nostalgia is okay.
The past and future are okay.
There’s no shame in thinking about those things, I guess.
We’re geared to think about those things.
But to be truly in the moment is magic.

Not staring at my phone.
Not thinking about how long I have to wait until the snow melts.
Not thinking about New Year’s resolutions.

In the here and now.
And right here, right now, it’s Saturday Morning.
Isn’t that amazing?

momentary

After a few years of writing this blog, sometimes it feels like I’m just repeating myself. What I’ve found; though, repetition is the stuff this life is built out of.

I talk about living in the moment because it matters, despite the fact that it feels like it distracts from the dream.
Meditation is important, despite the fact that I’ve gotten out of the habit of sitting in silence and meditating, and find pushing my body to it’s physical limits to be quite meditative. It draws me back to the moment, the painful, shitty moment I’m in after 2 hours of running on pavement with sweat in my eyes, no matter where my mind takes me.

But from one moment to another is a completely different experience. This is why it’s so important. If one moment I’m 13km deep into a hot sunday run and the next I’m giving you a giant sweaty hug, you’ll understand the momentary difference.

As much as I love a plan, and as much as I love to dream – and those things do have an important place – you’ll note that it’s a rare occurrence that someone ever has to remind you to daydream. What I do need are reminders to live in the here & now, which means if I’m unloading the dishwasher, I am present in doing so… and if I am walking on-stage with a guitar in front of hundreds of people, I am present in doing so.

As much as it’s about the individual living in the moment, there’s an element of outward respect as well. Those few hundred people watching me on-stage deserve for me to be present. I’ve seen enough musicians take the stage fucked up, or distracted, or just not ‘feeling it’ that night and it’s frustrating to that entire audience of people that are trying to live in that very exciting moment with that performer.

But it’s not just those big moments that matter. The little ones matter just as much, especially when people are depending on you on the smallest scale. Those everyday things we do like cooking, cleaning, driving… the tasks that make it so easy to zone out are so much more important than some musician giving a sub-par performance.

So… be present.
And don’t phone-it-in on stage.


the next indicated thing

Recently, I talked to a friend I haven’t talked to in a few years. It was truly magnificent to reminisce and think back on the simpler times, when we lived in the same house and played music together. The conversation really affirmed me and the way I try to live my life.

As I think about it now, it brought to mind another conversation with another friend a couple days earlier. We’re at different points in our child-rearing days, and was a good reminder for me in my artistic life as well.

The undertones of each conversation was: Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

We have a tendency to wish away the hard parts of life without savouring the magic. We can so easily say “when our kids are older” or “once this recording is done” or “after the holidays” without ever allowing ourselves to sit in the moment and experience life, and feel what’s happening as it’s happening. The truth is that everything is amazing – even sometimes when it’s amazingly bad.

It’s a reminder to enjoy the holidays, though parts of them are hard.
Enjoy the recording process, though it’s challenging.
Enjoy this time with our families and our kids…
… because when it is over, and we’re no to the next phase, there’s no turning back.

We can only do this, now.
And we can only experience this, now.

And we really can’t move on past the next indicated thing until the next indicated thing is complete.

So as we move into 2025, I hope you are able to just… take it in, and don’t sweat the small stuff, and don’t give in to the distractions.

Happy New Year.

distraction

I’m no theologian, and I’m certainly in no position to speak on matters of politics or social media. I have no formal education outside of highschool, and I can only speak from experience… but I do a lot of people watching, and I observe and analyze my own actions as frequently as I can, and I have undoubtedly seen some bizarre shit.

As I type this, I’m reminded of when I was in Calgary last week… I pulled into a very busy parking lot to meet someone at a restaurant, and about 50 feet in front of me I noticed 2 young girls, aged between 4 and 6, that had climbed into the trunk of a car and were attempting to close the trunk lid on themselves. While this was happening, the man I assume was their father was playing badminton with himself, in the parking lot. At the moment I was watching him, he lobbed his bright pink shuttlecock into a tree, and – again, the parking lot was full – started trying to knock the shuttlecock out of the tree by throwing his racket at it. By now, the children were securely trapped in the trunk, and I got out of my car and walked into the restaurant.

That story has no real bearing on anything, other than to state that I was early for my meeting, and that I obviously wasn’t staring at my phone, as this was far more entertaining.

I’ll often challenge myself not to look at my phone. Sometimes I lose, but that depends on the environment. In a recent pause for reflection in a dentist office waiting room, I listened to 2 clerks discuss the logistics of meeting a new online love interest one of them has, mentioning different work schedules as a challenge, among other things like dog stewardship and other hobbies as challenges. I’m not sure the experience enriched my life, but I was present and I think that’s something to be celebrated.

“Mindfulness” is a term we get to throw around a lot these days, but I’m reminiscent of a time when we didn’t have to put any emphasis on mindfulness, because we didn’t have a 24-hour casino, social hall, and strip-club in our pockets while we waited for someone to meet us.

We just waited.

And really, there’s nothing more mindful than sitting alone at a table with nothing but a cup of black coffee and your own thoughts to keep you company. We were mindful all the time… now we have the luxury of both tuning out and hitting the dopamine feeder-bar at any moment, to the point that some people do so while their waiting for a traffic light to turn green.

What’s more, is that although I am a slave to the social media as much as anyone else, I’ve started to (somewhat naturally) get my social media time dealt with in the morning before anyone wakes up. Sure, I get caught staring at my phone on occasion, but really nothing in my feed has changed from the early morning binge-session, so it’s pretty short-lived.

I’ve discovered that, although I am a staunch introvert, that I’d much rather connect with a human being or two in-person. I have no problem leaving my phone in my jacket pocket at this stage of life, and I’m thankful that my watch lets me know of certain correspondence because I really have no idea where my phone is half the time these days.

I don’t know if there’s anything to take from this… other than some affirmation that my droning on about being more present and in the moment over the past couple years seems to actually be taking root.

forty-two

Today I celebrate another revolution.

I don’t know how much I have to say about my birthday, really, other than to say that I feel younger and more vital than I did 10 years ago.

I’m happy to still be a vegan athlete and rock & roller, to have wonderful people around me, and to make the best music of my life. I’m more grateful, present, and productive than I have been at any point in my life so far and I don’t think I’ve capped out yet.

Forty-two.

I think I’ll give myself the morning off from blogging and go for a run.

Peace.

reactive

There are many aspects of life that are beyond control. As much as I’d like to think that I am in control of; well, anything… I have to take a step back and realize that I am not, and probably never have been. There are only a few things I can claim as mine in a creative sense, and for me they are all songs (though if I’m writing about something, even that level of control is questionable).

The truth is that I am reacting to most things.

I accelerate when the light turns green. I book musical performances when I am available to do them. I apply for funding when funding is available. I reward exemplary behavior. I buy shoes when they’re on sale.

I cannot truthfully be held accountable for anything that happens so much as I can be held accountable for how I react to those situations…

The neighbor’s dog got out. My kid forgot her bus pass. The grocery store ran out of tempeh. My guitar amp is crackling. I’m stuck behind a train that’s going to make me late for work.

Yes – but what am I going to do about it?
How am I going to temper my reaction to scenarios in order to illicit the best (or least worst) result?
And – is there actually anything I can really do to positively affect the outcome?

Almost unanimously, the quick answers to all of these questions is ‘I don’t know’ but beyond the initial shock of being presented with any scenario – be it good or bad – the possibilities are as limitless as the confines of imagination.

If my neighbor’s pitbull escapes the fence, and I am walking on-stage in another city, I must do nothing because not only can I not affect change from my current location, I must also not allow this scenario to take over the task at-hand. I have to resign to entrust the situation with my neighbor’s dog to the people that are able to do something, and I can’t feel regret about what couldn’t be done… especially when it can and will and does get handled.

This is ultimately why I don’t drink anymore. My decision making prowess suffers a devastating downgrade when I do, whether it means saying inflammatory things under the guise of attempted humour, or allowing my judgement around what I eat to slide, deciding whether or not to drive… the list goes on, and it primarily goes on because when I was drinking, I was drinking much more frequently than I should have been.

I am still bound to say inflammatory things and compromise my own judgement, but I do it with a sober mind. So, when my actions and reactions are called into question, I can be held appropriately responsible for them. It might sound a bit fucked, but I take solace in the fact that every poor decision I’ve made in the past 17 months has been made with intention. I don’t hide behind weak, hazy excuses anymore, and I own every smart and dumb idea… which is hard, because I’m fairly bashful and humble about the good ideas, and when the bad ideas come rolling out, there’s no excuse for me to hide behind.

The reality of the situation is that I am doing my best. My path is a spiritual one, and the actions, or reactions, I take are in keeping with the curves in that path that I need to bend with in order to stay upright.

pursuits

I like to do hard things. Hard things have historically included feats of endurance, like an olympic length triathlon course or a half-marathon, and while those things are obviously still hard, this has been a different kind of summer.

The fitness portion of my life, although still in existence, has felt a bit directionless lately. I’ve been struggling to allow myself to rest. Not only rest, but to enjoy things that stretch me as a person beyond normal rigors of endurance sport. My brain has been stretched and bowed by a new role at work, and by problem-solving with my hobby-car, among other self analysis and mental exercise including my propensity to snack like the binge-eating addict I am, and the culmination has truly been exhausting. Add some indecision of what physical activity to double-down on, and a later-than-it-should-be bed time resulting in an over-used snooze button… but again, I’ve been struggling to let myself off the hook as far as fitness goes.

I still track calories and macros, and I get out and run, and lift weights, and have developed a bit of an interest in Ashtanga – but not with my usual “nailed to the training program 6 days a week” fervor that I typically adopt. I’m trying to find a way to be okay with this… but there’s a part of me that feels I’m not doing enough.

I know there are seasons to life, and this season right now is the off-season for me. I’m entertaining the idea of signing up for a race in the fall, and I can’t decide if it’s pride or discipline that’s preventing me from doing any less than a half marathon. My challenge is more about whether or not I have enough training weeks between now and then, and less about willpower.

If I sign up, I’ll do it – and I will finish, pain or not.

It’s really easy to say things like “there are seasons to life” when you’re training regularly and killing it. It’s not so easy to say that when your focus is split between other passions. I know what I need, and it’s a regular (hard) training schedule that I can indenture myself to – but I also need this rest, and I need the mental challenges I’m facing.

The only thing I really know, is that I must remain present – in the moment.
That’s the true balance – being 100% present.

And if I’m being honest with myself… I am present.

And presently… it’s time to go for a run.