Tag: training

on the train

I have not been training as hard this summer as last summer… and it took a while, but I’m fine with it. This summer I worked on my car, painted a couple rooms in my house, and took on various construction projects at home… not to mention a new job and a few gigs… songwriting… some family things… and yes, even some training.

Completing a good number of things things I’ve done have brought about a sense of accomplishment, but that sense of accomplishment is fleeting. I recently heard an interview with Light Watkins wherein he states that the level of happiness you are feeling right now is the same level you will feel after completing a task – and it resonated with me very clearly because I know exactly what that means. To tackle a problem is great – but another problem will soon obstruct you, and the only way you can truly increase your happiness is to pursue your purpose.

So yes, it was a great summer, but I am back on the training train – and if I’m completely honest, part of why I am okay with not training so hard through the summer is because I am back to it now, to the degree that brings me the most joy.

That’s not to say that training is my purpose, but training does bring about an alignment of values – of heart, soul, and mind – and conditions me to be at my best physical shape when I am realizing my purpose. My actual purpose is one of service in the arts, but if I am polluted and out of shape, I will inevitably short-change the recipients of that service, be it at my day job or in my songwriting and performance career.

All in all, It feels so good to have reclaimed my routine of endurance, even if it has cost me part of my evening routine by way of an early bedtime… sorta. (it will once the lack of sleep catches up with me).

I have a full life, with great hobbies and great people in my life – but if I am not at my best, then I cannot give my best, and nobody wants the fractional version of me.

one hundred

“This is my 100th post. I never really imagined what this blog would become… “

This is my 100th post. I never really imagined what this blog would become… originally I just set out to write a little around training for a triathlon and working to be a better person… but I suppose time passes, too. I’m glad to still be writing, even though I often wonder what I should say that I haven’t said already, or how this will evolve.

I’m happy to have maintained the practice of writing this, and am happy for the other practices I’ve adopted along the way. Originally there was a video component that was a bit ambitious, and thus fizzled out after the triathlon in 2021 but I’m not opposed to reintroducing something a little more off-the-cuff at some point.

I did the things I wanted to do. Lu and I did the triathlon course, and I ran the half marathon last year. I’m moving into other fitness disciplines and working on my car. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to take an inventory of the last 2 years but if you’ve been reading along, you’ll know that I’m also a bit of a fan of the 12 step method of recovery, so here we are.

This blog has been side-line to a triathlon, a half-marathon, most of a pandemic, the writing and recording of an album, an amazing rekindling of relationship between myself and my environment AND between myself and my car, the entire life of my beautiful dog, and a couple of birthdays. Even as I write this my then-12 year old is creeping up on being a 15 year old, and my girlfriend hasn’t aged a day. In fact, her and I are both younger than we were when we started.

Who knows where this adventure will take us?

Thanks for reading along, and to the several of you who’ve weighed in – thank you especially.

easy does it

“I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be.”

There’s nothing quite quite so humbling and self reflective as someone’s uninhibited criticism of you. Even when the emotion is removed, there are nuggets of truth, or at very least nuggets of perception – but even then, someone else’s perception of you is always the truth to them.

If someone is mean to me; especially if it happens on multiple occasions, it’s no stretch for me to conclude that the person in question is mean. The fact that other people love them and can be vulnerable and safe with them doesn’t change my perception. So, when I act the way I act and someone finds it smug or distasteful… well… I am those things.

I know I can’t govern how I’m perceived. I can only control my actions and reactions – so I naturally move forward with a newfound sensitivity to how I might be behaving – at least for a while – and in the meantime I try to create a new habit or a new outlook that is move loving and inclusive. It’s a tall order for an introvert such as myself but there’s no reason why I can’t learn this new behavior as an individual – after all, we as a society do this all the time. There are a lot of words and phrases that we’ve said that are no longer acceptable to say in polite company. We collectively gave our heads a shake and made some improvements.

My issues are more behavioral though. I know I can come on a bit strong and I’m pretty hard to argue with on certain topics – but I can learn to have a little more grace. I can actually be stubborn as an ox, when I choose to be – so I imagine it’s time to stop choosing to be. The last thing I ever want to do is make an enemy out of a friend, or negatively impact someone’s life so badly that they consciously decide to run hard in the opposite direction, not only physically but spiritually.

To carry that guilt would be the absolute worst.

Truth is, I can have a little more grace with myself, too. I honestly get the worst of my own criticism and I’m certain that I’m not the only person who is my own worst critic. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way – the most disciplined, the most hardcore, the smartest, the strongest, the best musician, the most poetic, the most impactful, the most available and the most efficient.

What I have learned recently is that I find things that save me and I envelope myself in them. Veganism. Music. Endurance Sport. Most recently: My Car. These things come to me when I need them most and I throw in hard with them to a point of obsession. I’ve done so negative things as well… junk food… booze… pills… and I have become the worst example of humanity available at the time.

But I still look myself in the mirror and am ultimately grateful for the fucked up weirdo I was, because that fucked up weirdo got me here… and I should go easy on him.

And if I can extend grace to my worst critic… then I can extend grace to anyone.

So… easy does it.

pursuits

I like to do hard things. Hard things have historically included feats of endurance, like an olympic length triathlon course or a half-marathon, and while those things are obviously still hard, this has been a different kind of summer.

The fitness portion of my life, although still in existence, has felt a bit directionless lately. I’ve been struggling to allow myself to rest. Not only rest, but to enjoy things that stretch me as a person beyond normal rigors of endurance sport. My brain has been stretched and bowed by a new role at work, and by problem-solving with my hobby-car, among other self analysis and mental exercise including my propensity to snack like the binge-eating addict I am, and the culmination has truly been exhausting. Add some indecision of what physical activity to double-down on, and a later-than-it-should-be bed time resulting in an over-used snooze button… but again, I’ve been struggling to let myself off the hook as far as fitness goes.

I still track calories and macros, and I get out and run, and lift weights, and have developed a bit of an interest in Ashtanga – but not with my usual “nailed to the training program 6 days a week” fervor that I typically adopt. I’m trying to find a way to be okay with this… but there’s a part of me that feels I’m not doing enough.

I know there are seasons to life, and this season right now is the off-season for me. I’m entertaining the idea of signing up for a race in the fall, and I can’t decide if it’s pride or discipline that’s preventing me from doing any less than a half marathon. My challenge is more about whether or not I have enough training weeks between now and then, and less about willpower.

If I sign up, I’ll do it – and I will finish, pain or not.

It’s really easy to say things like “there are seasons to life” when you’re training regularly and killing it. It’s not so easy to say that when your focus is split between other passions. I know what I need, and it’s a regular (hard) training schedule that I can indenture myself to – but I also need this rest, and I need the mental challenges I’m facing.

The only thing I really know, is that I must remain present – in the moment.
That’s the true balance – being 100% present.

And if I’m being honest with myself… I am present.

And presently… it’s time to go for a run.

the outliers

“I’m not suppressing emotion when I say this, but I can successfully tune out a lot of the negative criticism. I can do this because I am resonating at a higher frequency than ever before, and I know in my heart that I am right where I am supposed to be – in the moment – in this life – in this time and place, and I learned earlier this year that “you will never find a hater that works harder than you.” “

This lifestyle is surprisingly polarizing. I’ve regularly been misunderstood by my peers and certain members of my family, so it’s not particularly alarming that I still am, to a large degree. I’ve come to accept it, and I’ve come to accept the people who misunderstand me. At this point; however, if anything is alarming it’s people’s reactions to my healthy lifestyle.

Lemme know if this sounds familiar:
– I’ve been not-invited to gatherings because of my dietary regimen.
– I’ve had my sanity questioned by my peers.
– I’ve had people refuse to try things I’ve offered them.
– I’ve had people tell me that what I’m doing goes against human biology.
– I’ve had people tell me what I am doing is not sustainable.
– I’ve been handed all kids of labels from ‘crazy’ to ‘rigid’ to ‘overdoing it’ to ‘exceptional’
– I’ve had people tell me I must be super healthy and protein deficient – almost in the same breath.

None of that bothers me anymore, but I will say that to be openly criticized for what I’m doing, but to turn the question around on the person asking it somehow makes me hypersensitive and insecure. For example, “Where do you get your protein?” is a question I can answer, but when I answer and follow up with “how much protein do YOU get?” – I’m being rude.

I’ve learned how to let all that go, and honestly the fact that I’m seeing results from what I am doing is a big help in avoiding these polarizing questions, but it doesn’t make me any less of an outlier. Vegan as I might be, I’m not super connected to a community of vegans in any tangible sense, nor am I connected to a community of athletes. I’m part of a community of musicians and performers, and I’m a bit of an outlier there, too (though there seems to be a bit of a sobriety movement going on and I’m here for it).

I’m not suppressing emotion when I say this, but I can successfully tune out a lot of the negative criticism. I can do this because I am resonating at a higher frequency than ever before, and I know in my heart that I am right where I am supposed to be – in the moment – in this life – in this time and place, and I learned earlier this year from David Goggins that “you will never find a hater that works harder than you.“

These words alone keep me blissfully uninvolved both as a defender of what I’m doing, and as a potential critic of what someone else is doing – because I very much CAN find myself looking around at the gym from time to time, or on the running trail, assessing my surroundings. That said – the people around you are not to be ignored. Seeing what someone is doing and wanting to work towards it is part of our human nature. It’s bred into us to assess our surroundings and be aware of whether or not we’re safe or in danger – just don’t put yourself in danger of sinking to a lower level of gossip and criticism.

This is an exercise in mental toughness, and like any exercise – you have to start with light weight and build up. Don’t expect sainthood from yourself on day 1, just do a little better, and then do a little better than that.

a cry for me

“In any case, nobody saw value in me until I saw value in myself… and I didn’t see any value in myself until I decided that I needed to be a better father and partner. Then I made some changes.”

I recently went down a rabbit-hole of music I wrote and recorded. Which turned out to have the effect of losing track of time flipping through a photo album, or what I imagine an old diary might bring about if I’d ever bothered to keep one… well, maybe I inadvertently kept a very public audio-diary.

These records serve to document my adolescent to adult life. If I was going to sum it all up, I’d likely say that it documented my intense need to belong to a culture or way of life, or in some cases – a person, that I just couldn’t seem to adhere to no matter how hard I tried… Christianity… the punk scene… A series of wonderful ladies, including my eventual wife… alcohol and pills… binge-eating… none of it really ever belonged to me the way I wanted it to, but I certainly belonged to those things at one time or another.

I was very lost until I realized that I was enough for me, and if you’ve figured that out then you know exactly what I’m talking about. I had so much to offer and I felt so dejected for so long because nobody wanted it, and maybe because nobody wanted it, I also didn’t want it… or to flip that around, maybe nobody wanted it because I didn’t even want it.

In any case, nobody saw value in me until I saw value in myself… and I didn’t see any value in myself until I decided that I needed to be a better father and partner. Then I made some changes.

But those changes brought about more changes… and more changes… it strengthened my relationship with my kid and my girlfriend… then I got healthier… then I got stronger… then I got disciplined… then my artistic output improved. With every step my value increased… the value I put on myself, and in turn, the value others saw in me changed drastically.

Every day you see me is a day I’m at my strongest and most valuable.

Sometimes I feel pity for that weaker version of myself. Sometimes I shed a tear for how lost I really was… and for such a long time. Sometimes I shake my head at how long it took me. But I love that stupid fuckin’ kid, because that stupid fuckin’ kid got me to where I am now, so I must show him grace and compassion, and thank him for not throwing in the towel no matter how many times he thought about it.

Training… I haven’t been talking much about, but it’s not because I stopped. I was touring through the mountains into the Okanagan last week with my rock & roll band and I got out for a couple good runs – first outdoor runs this year.

This time I’ve been pining for is finally here – and I aim not to waste it.

day 101 – the marathon monks

“We’re fortunate our options go beyond ‘finish or die trying’ in any of our chosen paths, but at some point we all have a day 101 – where we must choose to commit, or choose to quit – but a choice must be made. On that day, there should be no doubt what needs to happen.”

There is both a book and a documentary about the “Marathon Monks of Mount Hiei.” Both are nearing 20 years old and are ultimately the kind of documentaries you might have seen being made even before then. In other words – a little dry. Documentary making has taken many turns for the better and more interesting in more recent years, and the artistic direction behind them is of great benefit. This documentary is not that.

It’s not without it’s merits, however. You might not be able to make that documentary now because you might not find a Tendai Monk that’s in the right place in their path to make the journey.

The journey; of course, being 1000 marathons in 1000 days, known regionally as The Kaihogyo. Now, these are not consecutive days, but that’s not really the point. The point is the path to enlightenment – to essentially become a living saint. The 7 year journey breaks down like this:

Year 1: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days. *During this time, the monk can quit, but after day 101, there is no quitting. He completes the Kaihogyo or he dies trying.
Year 2: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 3: run 30 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 4: run 30 km per day. This time for 200 straight days.
Year 5: run 30 km per day for 200 straight days. After completing the fifth year of running, the monk must go 9 consecutive days without food, water, or rest (known as the Doiri). Two monks stand beside him at all times to ensure that he does not fall asleep.
Year 6: the monk must run 60 km per day for 100 straight days.
Year 7: the monk must run 84 km per day for 100 straight days. Then, he must run 30 km per day for the final 100 days.

Fueling is a whole other thing – these monks traditionally eat between 1000 and 2000 calories per day, exclusively rice, miso soup, and green tea – when they’re not eating nothing, of course.

There’s a myriad of lessons to be learned from the Tendai Monks, many of which are related to commitment – never giving up no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes, because If We Commit To Nothing, We’ll Be Distracted By Everything – and never complaining about the struggles we’ve chosen to conquer, because we’ve chosen them.

We’re fortunate our options go beyond ‘finish or die trying‘ in any of our chosen paths, but at some point we all have a day 101 – where we must choose to commit, or choose to quit – but a choice must be made. On that day, there should be no doubt what needs to happen.