vegan athlete – Page 13 – The Conscious Pilgrim

rolling with it

“I’m reminded that good changes are not any easier than the changes that are hard on us. They all require a bit of resilience and strength to keep pushing forward. “

It’s a widely acknowledged thought that change is hard. Life is hard, really… but when everything is hard, then nothing is.

You might not like that sentence. I don’t really like that sentence, but as I pick my own words apart, I’m reminded that good changes are not any easier than the changes that are hard on us. They all require a bit of resilience and strength to keep pushing forward.

As I write this, I’m plagued with examples – the most simplistic of which is that a few years back when I dropped over 160lbs, I had to furnish myself with a new wardrobe, which was a task I wasn’t really financially prepared to deal with in one fell swoop (as as many of us seldom are). The truth of the matter is that if I had gained weight, I’d be in the same situation – maybe a little sadder about it, but the way my pocketbook would be affected would be the same.

Covid-19 got us all trying to wrap our heads around what ‘the new normal’ was going to be and after 2 or 3 years when it was time to start reclaiming the lost pieces of our social lives, it was harder than going into whatever form of ‘lock-down’ your region was facing. I know live music fans who are still less-than-comfortable with being in large groups indoors AND outdoors, and those are just the ones willing to admit it.

I’ve been dealing with change in my life and in my home and although the net result is positive, it does take a toll. On the day-to-day, I’m actually great. I recognize my little victories and I try to help the people around me to do the same – not by writing about it on the internet – but by actually listening to them and trying to speak optimistic truth into their lives, perhaps an occasional good deed. It feels good to do those things, which I believe is an alignment of purpose with the self (I don’t do it to feel good, but it feels good to do it… if it was painful, no one would do it). But if you had intimate knowledge of all my challenges that I have to roll with, and stepped back for the broad-view of my life you’d probably conclude that I’ve got a lot on my plate.

I can’t dwell on the negative.
I mean… I can, but it doesn’t serve me anymore.
I lead a rich and full life, and I am constantly changing and evolving… sometimes it’s hard, but it’s always good.

do hard things

“There is an amazing series of events that happens when you identify something you can’t do, and then choose to take it on anyway. there are countless examples of this in all of our lives, because there’s a pretty good chance that if you are good at something, you probably spent some time sucking at it.”

There is an amazing series of events that happens when you identify something you can’t do, and then choose to take it on anyway. there are countless examples of this in all of our lives, because there’s a pretty good chance that if you are good at something, you probably spent some time sucking at it… and for some reason, likely either through the enjoyment of the activity or through identifying the merits of performing such a task.

The example I come to when I think of this is running.

Now, I used to weigh 340lbs and be asthmatic, and if you’ve known me for any real stretch of time then you know that I am by definition, a late bloomer. In other words, running isn’t JUST a thing I ever thought I’d be able to do recreationally – it’s something that I never even wanted to attempt.

Until I did. I literally started running because it’s hard.

I had taken a few small measures to eat cleaner and I dropped a couple pounds and had an infusion of energy – so I opted to put that energy to good use.

It took some serious TIME and MILEAGE to get where I am now, but at this point if I don’t run at least 3km, then I didn’t run at all, because that’s when I start sweating. A 8km – 10km run is a pretty energizing start to the day, and if I want to run the tank dry then I’ll keep going to 14km, maybe more.

That time and mileage is important – it’s where the discipline was adopted and strengthened, because I know just as well as anyone else does – if you want to climb the ziggurat, you must start with the first step. The first step for me was finding a ‘Couch-to-5km’ program on the internet. There are a million of them and they’re all roughly the same, but what programs like this give you is a guided process.

You don’t have to run. You can do something else, but you do have to start.
What you do is up to you, but to stretch yourself beyond what you’re currently capable of doing is always amazing.

When I was obese, asthmatic, depressed… existence was hard. Waking up in the morning was hard. Everything was hard… but I soon concluded (similar to a linchpin line in a cartoon I saw once, stating that ‘when everyone is a superhero, then no one is’) that when everything is hard, then nothing is.

peacekeepers

“After all, tossed in the salad with the other personal virtues such as love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; it would seem that ‘not war-mongering’ is an easy one, so I’d place a hefty wager that ‘peace’ had more to do with the state of one’s internal battles since it was so carefully placed among other personal strengths, rather than political ones.”

After 41 years of walking around and interacting with people in general; many of which have navigated multiple global pandemics, several financially motivated wars, one or more housing crises, poorly managed adolescence, and a countless array of other traumas and triggers – I can say emphatically that the word ‘peace’ means something completely different than it did when I was a little kid in Sunday School.

What once brought about a ubiquitous definition; a thought of people I don’t know choosing not to end the lives of other people I don’t know in some war torn desert city – though, to be clear, I would like those people to stop killing each other – is not the image that comes to mind when I hear the word ‘peace‘ anymore.

Peace is a much more tangible and personal quest for me now.

I’m speculating, of course, but I’d like to imaging that the once-popular prophetic young Asiatic man who upheld the ‘fruit of the spirit’ and the ‘beatitudes’ may have had a more personalized definition when he spoke of peace. After all, tossed in the salad with the other personal virtues such as love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; it would seem that ‘not war-mongering‘ is an easy one, so I’d place a hefty wager that ‘peace’ had more to do with the state of one’s internal battles since it was so carefully placed among other personal strengths, rather than political ones.

All that said, when it comes to the idea of ‘inner-peace’ which is really what I’m getting at, there are a number of other things that ‘peace’ doesn’t mean. In fact, when it comes to defining our terms, it’s likely easier to institute a process of elimination of the things I don’t mean… but I’ll try to stay pointed in a solitary direction.

Peaceful doesn’t mean complacent. You’re not dead, and you haven’t been neutralized. If anything, it’s the opposite. My own experience has brought me to realize that it’s a daily pursuit in balancing the self and the ego. Since the ego can’t survive without the self (and vice versa), the goal is not to embrace contentment anymore than it is to embrace chaos. We are always moving forward, always growing, and always renewing. Finding peace is finding the center. The balance point.

To become centered in meditation, we engage in a practice where we focus on a solitary notion – such as our own breath. When we are new or out of practice, our thoughts drift and our attention is stolen – but the purpose of meditation is to regain focus faster and faster to the point that we are not ignoring everything around us so much as we are centering ourselves in it. So to be in a meditative state is to be aware of everything that’s going on around us, though other people’s perceptions are the opposite. People with a strong meditative practice are actually more aware of their surroundings than those who are newer to their practice.

This meditative practice, much like the pursuit of inner-peace, takes a life-time. Maybe that’s the real reason why we say our deceased friends and family are ‘at peace’ but in the case of we who are still living, we can count on the fact that life will continue to throw thing at us, thereby knocking us off of our center – but we can choose how to handle it, either with frustration, or with calm demeanor.

There will always be a balance to find between the ego and the self.
There will always be peace.

As an aside, I feel compelled to mention that one of the things that brought the most peace into my life was the decision to stop eating animals or any products that come from animals. I literally felt the ‘animosity’ leave my body as I became a completely different, more well-rounded, methodical, and spiritual person. I’ve since reclaimed my health and my personal aspirations.

It’s been amazing, and one of the finer decisions I’ve ever made.

sabotage

I can’t stand it, I know ya’ planned it…

For someone who’s spent more than his fair share of time sabotaging himself, I certainly had a smug and mired view of the people around me doing the same. My lack of experience (something I can’t blame myself for) and lack of self awareness (something I can blame myself for) allowed me to hear people say things like “I just need a drink to calm my nerves” and think “that’s so cliche – they’re just doing that because they heard somewhere that they should” without ever realizing that I was; in fact wrong, and that really what they were doing was giving themselves an excuse to drink that had nothing to do with the calming of the nerves at all, and everything to do with justifying the remedy.

I’m not here to pick on drinkers so much as I am here to expose my lack of awareness.

I come from a community; a scene, if you will, that was largely populated with GenX’ers and although I am technically not one, I was certainly born during a strange time between the GenXer’s and Millennials that allowed me to plant one foot in each camp – both fairly nihilistic for different reasons. This scene was special in many ways, but it was not unique in it’s collective attitude towards commercial success. The idea of ‘selling out’ was ultimately tantamount to treason, and I believe that my need to belong prevented me from pursuing a level of success that I believe I always had the chops to achieve. Many of us did, but many of us talked ourselves out of it. Now, at 41 years old I am chasing my teenage dreams once again… but that’s probably a topic for another day.

A stronger version of myself might have told all of those people to kick rocks, but I wasn’t that. I was me, for better or worse. And honestly I’ve been sabotaging myself for decades – this is just the most friendly, and possibly pivotal example of it.

This all does lend itself to a fear I developed, or maybe always had. Hell, maybe all of us had it – the fear of success. We’re all aware of the concept of fear of failure and the workoholism that tends to follow suit, but fear of success is much, much stronger and far less often acknowledged.

What if I succeed and I have to keep doing this?
What if I become known for the wrong thing?
Imposter syndrome often follows, with “what if they find out I’m actually not remarkable?”

As a musician, the thought of both alienating my old-school, cool fans while simultaneously not being able to sell what I’m doing to a larger part of the populous meant living in “insincere loser purgatory” for what could be the rest of my life. My personal concerns included:

not being punk enough for punk rock fans
not being pop enough for the pop crowd
not being heavy enough for the rock/metal crowd
not being a good enough guitar player for the guitar geeks
not being interesting enough to be interviewed… or handsome
What if I never write another song?
What if I actually suck, and nobody is telling me?

It devolves into an embarrassing series of notions from there, I assure you. This line of resistant thought kept me starting and cratering bands every few years for a couple decades… except for the ‘what if I never write another song?’ which kept me pen-in-hand and riffing constantly for my whole life.

I’ve released over 125 songs in 8 different bands, have co-written singles, and have composed music for commissioned works, as well as writing my own parts for a couple hundred songs on other people’s recordings and/or performances… and wondered if I had what it takes to be a consistent, solid, good musician pretty much the whole time.

In the end, I tend to think that these types of failures of self; for lack of a better term, come down to manifestation. We speak hard things over ourselves, and we receive them. We also say enough contrarian shit about ourselves and we’ll inevitably start to believe it – and we do that because it’s EASIER to say “I could have accomplished ______” than it is to actually set our sights on something and go for it.

If I have anything to bestow on anyone who read all the way to the end of this, it’s that (a) it’s okay to daydream, and you should do it without remorse or embarrassment, and (b) be kind to yourself, even when you don’t want to.

gratitude for the struggle

“What if everything was like meditation? We don’t approach meditation with the furious intensity that we take on every other task, but we still tend to acknowledge it’s importance (assuming we have a practice). We don’t say “I AM GOING TO MEDITATE SO HARD RIGHT NOW” beat our chests and stomp around like so many heavy-lifting gym primates.”

We’ve all heard the expression at one inopportune time or another: “If it was easy, everyone would do it.” I’ve lived by this for a long time, and without self-aggrandizing, I can say with honesty and humility that I have accomplished a lot.

Further to the point, I can say that with my body type and propensity to overeat; or worse, binge-eat, that if I am having an off day, or a rough few days wherein my portion control is whack and I’m feeling undisciplined in my workouts – I can see it in the mirror. When I was obese, this was a curse – but now, it’s a blessing.

But I got slapped with a crazy concept recently.

Instead of constantly pining away at something, and “trying hard or “digging in” or putting in “sweat equity” or any of the other buzz-word approaches to putting ourselves through the gauntlet… what if it was easy?

What if everything was like meditation? We don’t approach meditation with the furious intensity that we take on every other task, but we still tend to acknowledge it’s importance (assuming we have a practice). We don’t say “I AM GOING TO MEDITATE SO HARD RIGHT NOW” beat our chests and stomp around like so many heavy-lifting gym primates. What is stopping us from dropping in and enjoying the process?

This harkens back to some of last year’s posts about the child-like state – that unapologetic exploring, playing, enjoying. As I think back now of being a kid with a bmx bike, when it didn’t matter how much money I had on me, and it didn’t matter how much time I had before it was time to go in for dinner.

What if it was easy?
What if we just did the thing?

the boomer narrative

“If we believe it’s bleak, then were right – but the fact of the matter is that it’s not as bleak as we’ve been told. Truthfully, every day for the past 25 years we could have had a TV news reporter broadcast a story stating “less people are living in poverty today than yesterday” and it would have been 100% true every single one of those 9125 days.”

Hey all. Welcome home.

A couple months back I listened to a podcast episode on the Rich Roll Podcast – one of the few I listen to with great regularity – where Rich Roll interviewed Seth Godin. I highly recommend anyone who’s creatively inclined check this one out for a great number of reasons. One of the several nuggets that was mentioned that really stuck out to me was around the boomer narrative (and I’m already paraphrasing, btw). It was a quick part of the conversation, but I’d like to expand on it here.

Since the beginning of anything that any of us can remember, a specific generation of people have been controlling the narrative of the entire planet, and this is the baby boomer generation. I’ll assume everyone reading this knows what that is, but for the kids at the back of the class: The Baby Boom Generation is that age demographic of people who were born between 1946 and 1964, aptly named for the influx of pregnancies that resulted from people coming home at the end of World War 2 and starting families.

From that time on, the narrative of western civilization has been told from the voice of that generation, and despite the fact that this generation is reaching their end of life and/or their end of their working years (it’s an 18-year span) – they are still driving the narrative of pretty much everything.

Now, don’t @-me because I don’t have a dog in this fight, and don’t get all hashtag-not-all-boomers on me either, because of course there are individual exceptions to the rule. I acknowledge that the individual is smart, nuanced, and capable of change but in higher numbers, humans have a tendency to adopt a ‘mob mentality’ which serves no one.

Ok. When rock & roll and hot rods and teenage rebellion came about, it was a narrative driven by the boomers – of course it was. This carried over through the 1960s up until the Vietnam war happened. At this point the narrative became all about the draft and how the war was pointless. As the 70s & 80s the narrative became all about arena rock, the corporate ladder and property ownership which brought about construction booms and fuel shortages.

As the world came barreling through the 90s and into the new millennium, things like punk rock and pepsi-cola became synonymous; not because of the quote-unquote Pepsi Generation but because the boomer generation was packaging and selling the next generation’s own version of teenage rebellion back to them. Music, TV and Film were largely handed down from the boomers to their children under the guise of being ‘indie’ even though marketing budgets were huge, and the companies were top-heavy. This was all endorsed by a since-falsely proven theory of trickle down economics perpetuated by – you guessed it.

Environmental concerns started to materialize as GenX and the Millennials started to take note, but it was the Boomers who were finessing and dictating how that story was going to be told and they did a very self-serving job of it right up into the 21st century when the bottom fell out of the market that the boomer generation had been using, profiting from, and bleeding dry for decades. Thereafter the pensions and nest eggs that many boomers had been working for to enjoy their retirement were essentially stolen by other, richer boomers.

Now we have a – and this is where I start to get to the point of writing all of this – ongoing narrative surrounding the idea of a dystopian hellscape future not unlike the boomer-made films ‘Mad Max’ and the ‘Terminator’ franchise in amongst the Church-going God-fearing belief that the End Of Days is upon us. And why do we have this? We have this because ultimately, the boomers are afraid of death – so the narrative is death.

Even though their time is up, and 2 other generations are set to inherit this planet, we’re still using their guiding light into a bleak future.

I am personally tired of this. If we believe it’s bleak, then were right – but the fact of the matter is that it’s not as bleak as we’ve been told. Truthfully, every day for the past 25 years we could have had a TV news reporter broadcast a story stating “less people are living in poverty today than yesterday” and it would have been 100% true every single one of those 9125 days. But… that’s not sensational, so it doesn’t happen.

I’ve spoken before about how ‘realism‘ has been incorrectly pair with ‘fatalism‘ falsely, and that optimism is far more realistic. I’d love it if you dug in on my ramblings about that right here. The principle holds true and generationally speaking, we need to decide consciously how we want to move forward as a planet and as a species… because not making a choice is still a choice, and choosing not to choose is a weak option.

We’re going to need to take an active role in our own future, and it starts in our daily lives with what we buy, what we eat, and what we throw out. We can all do a little better, and I don’t even need to tell you how.
There are changes you want to make in your life.
There are changes I want to make in my life.

Why wait?

in this moment… in this shitty moment.

It’s been a back-to-basics kind of week for me. I won’t get into the events, times, and places of what caused my otherwise positive outlook to have it’s foundations shaken other than to say that; yes, my positive foundations were shaken a little bit recently.

I don’t feel helpless because I am not helpless, nor do I feel like I am alone, because I am not alone. The truth I find myself repeating is that the undisclosed shitty situation that is happening is not happening TO me. If anything it’s happening FOR me and the people involved – especially the person at the center of the mess.

We cannot change the events that have taken place. I cannot live in a place of “what-if’s” or “if I had known’s” because that time has passed. I also cannot live in the future “when all of this is behind us” where “time heals all wounds” because that is all a fantasy if I am (we are, respectively) not digging in and doing the work that needs to be done now.

The time now is to address things head-on, and set up the practice, the discipline, the frame work for success. If you want your plants to grow, they need the proper food and water, care and attention and grooming – but they also need to be planted in the right sized pot until growth has made a larger pot necessary.

So this is what’s next – framework for success.

I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again and again and again and again. It’s 100% worth the struggle and I am to show the people closest to me exactly how to set yourself up for success. The right fuel, the right amount of sleep, the right kind of directed work, and – the right kind of rest.

But right now; here in this shitty moment, I fully realize that this shitty moment deserves the same level of respect that it’s it’s jubilant, solemn, meditative, optimistic, and frivolous siblings deserve. My entire life has led me here, even though I know this is not where my entire life ends.

It’s fucking terrible.
But it will be amazing… and it’s already better than it was.